It's funny how much that dog reminds me of my dog, Dobby. (Not in appearance, but in his aptitude) He struggled to "get it" for months on end. He chewed up stuff that didn't belong to him, he went to the bathroom in the house ..... he really, really, struggled.
Then, one day about 2.5 months ago, he just got it. He just figured it all out. It was like someone just flipped the "On" switch in his mind.
I've got 5 cases of beer, a half gallon of Elijah Craig and a half gallon of Woodford Reserve..... I'm ready lol
Earlier this week, perhaps Wed, I bought a bottle of wine. Why? I don't know, just did. Wife and I aren't big drinkers.
That evening, I decided to open it. Couldn't find a corkscrew anywhere.
I walked out to the garage for something else, and low and behold, the roof between the garage and house is leaking - right above the door from the house to the garage.
Work is/has been painfully slow - as in taking money out of savings every month to pay bills, slow. Wife basically out of work due to surgery, medical bills we owe.....it just isn't ending. And now the latest from Ohio.
Hey! this awesome comedian made some clever lyrics about the Corona Virus (Covid 19) and I decided to record a cover of it!
Lyrics made by @danajaybein on Twitter
Is this a sore throat? Is this just allergies? Caught in a lockdown No escape from reality. Don't touch your eyes Just hand sanitize quicklyyyyy I'm just a poor boy, no job security Because of easy spread, even though washed your hands, laying low I look out the window, the curve doesn't look flatter to me, to me
mama,just killed a man i didn't stay inside in bed I walked by him, now he's dead mama, life was so much fun but now I've caught this unforgiving plague mama, oooooh didn't mean to make them die if I'm not back to work this time tomorrow carry on, carry on as if people didn't matter Too late, my time has come sends shivers down my spine body's aching all the time goodbye everybody, I've got the flu gotta leave you all behind and face the truth mama, oooooh I don't wanna die I sometimes wish I never went out at all
I see a little silhouette of a man what a douche, what a douche did he even wash his hands though security is tightening very very frightening me Gotta lay low (gotta lay low) Gotta lay low (gotta lay low) Gotta lay low masturbate* Masturbate* 0 0 0 0
I'm just a poor boy, facing mortality HE'S JUST A POOR BOY FACING MORTALITY spare him his life from this monstrosity Touch your face, wash your hands, will you wash your hands? BISMILLAH NO WE WILL NOT WASH OUR HANDS! (WASH YOUR HANDS!) BISMILLAH NO WE WILL NOT WASH OUR HANDS! (WASH YOUR HANDS) BISMILLAH WE WILL NOT WASH YOUR HANDS! (WASH YOUR HANDS!) WASH YOUR HANDS! (never, never, never wash your hands oh oh oh oh oh oh oh) No no no no no Oh mama mia, mia (mama mia wash your hands!) COVID-19 has a sickness put aside for me, for me
So you think you can stop me and just shake my hand? So you think we can hang out and not break our plans? Oh baby, can't do this with me, baby, Just gotta stay home, just gotta stay home with my fever
oooooh Curving can get flatter Anyone can see Curving can get flatter Curving can get flatter, you'll see Just look out your windows....
Saw this online, A horse walks into a bar. The bartender doesn't say anything to him because horses don't talk and he doesn't understand English. Several people get up and leave obviously put off that an animal is inside the bar.
Saw this online, A horse walks into a bar. The bartender doesn't say anything to him because horses don't talk and he doesn't understand English. Several people get up and leave obviously put off that an animal is inside the bar.
This morning I lucked out and was able to buy two boxes of ammo cheap.
I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home. Stopped at a gas station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.
She glanced at the two boxes of ammo, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a sexy voice "I'm a big believer in barter, old fella. Would you be interested in trading S.E.X. for ammo?"
I thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of ammo 'ya got?"
lol. It snowed a little here today, which up here isn’t that unusual this time of year, but we are still wearing winter jackets most days. Been a cool spring.
A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a Gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.
'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks. They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.
After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'
"No," she replies."You just happened to catch my eye."
On a blustery wintery morning the Sesame Street Bus made it's rounds picking up gradeschool children. The 1st stop/pick up of the day was two young, overweight( one might say "Obese") girls that were best friends and also both named Patty. The 2nd stop was a young special needs boy named Ross. The third stop of the day was another young boy named Lester. The 4th stop, the 5th stop, etc, etc, etc.
During the ride to school on this wintery day, Lester, who had a bad case of bunions on his feet, took of a shoe and started picking at them. Nothin outta the ordinary. Also, since he hadn't finished his homework he was also copying someone else's math answers. Nothin outta the ordinary there either.
Suddenly, whilst rounding a curve, the bus hit a patch of ice and started sliding. Didn't make it. Off the road and landed on it's side. Everyone was safe except for a few minor bumps and bruises.
During the aftermath police asked questions too all on what happened. Most, if not all were saying "I didn't see anything".
The last interview was a young boy named Johnny.
Cop: "Johnny(who was shaken up at the time), did you see what happened"?
And yes, you can sing it.......
Johnny: "All I saw was 2 obese Patties special Ross Lester cheatin pickin bunions on a Sesame Street Bus".
This got a chuckle out of me yesterday evening when I was trying to finish up the lawn before it started raining.
Guy across the street was out in the front of his house with his two boys (pre-teen, early-teen aged sons). They were running up and down the street w/o stopping. I saw them say something to him as they were passing him during their run, and he yelled (in a very annoyed voice) "You'll stop running when I say you can stop!"
One of the impacts of COVID, like economic depression, unemployment, mental health, etc... that isn't getting talked about like those is the effect of parents having to be around their kids day-in, day-out. :-p
Interestingly, I've had my daughter helping me with work recently. It's a win win win win situation.
She helps, I win. She gets paid. She wins. She gets out of the house, which is a win for her. And, she's finding out what dad REALLY does for a living. She's actually gained a bit of appreciation, which is a win.
A lady went to her local grocery store the day before Thanksgiving to pick up her fresh Long Island Duck she ordered. She always serves Long Island Duck on Thanksgiving. It was family tradition.
She approached the service counter and asked for her fresh Long Island Duck order which was quickly retrieved. She thanked the Meat Manager but wanted to see if it was "fresh". The Meat Manager was then "stunned" to see her insert, after unwrapping the duck, her index finger into the ducks "behind". She immediately became irate and in a loud, angry voice told the Meat Manager, "THIS ISN'T A FRESH LONG ISLAND DUCK!!! THIS ONE IS FROM NANTUCKET!!! I ORDERED A FRESH LONG ISLAND DUCK"!!! With a bewildered look on his face, the Meat Manager apologized and went back into the cooler to retrieve another fresh Long Island duck.
After a few minutes he brought another one out and handed it to the lady. Same thing. Again, she inserted her finger into the 2nd ducks "behind" and he could immediately see the dissatisfaction in her eyes/on her face. "THIS IS NOT A FRESH LONG ISLAND DUCK!!! THIS ONE IS FROM CANADA. I ORDERED A FRESH LONG ISLAND DUCK"!!! She was not happy.
With that, the Meat Manager again apologized and went back to retrieve another Long Island Duck. He brought a 3rd duck out all the while shuddering at the thought of her not being happy again.
Same routine. The lady again inserts her finger and after a second or 3 a huge smile came to her face. She responded with a big grin and a sincere "Thank You" and apologized for the way she acted.
A conversation then started up between them about her family coming in from different parts of the United States. Her daughter and family flying in from Texas. Her twin sister flying in from from the west coast. Her son and daughter-in- law and grandkids coming in from, etc, etc, etc.
She asked him if he was having family over. He replied "no" and that his family, including extended family didn't live in the country. She then asked him Where he's from?
With that and a grin on his face he jumped up onto the meat case, turned around, dropped his pants, bent over and said "I DON'T KNOW LADY, YOU TELL ME"!!!
A young man went off to college to become an engineer and begin his future. Upon arriving at the campus he met a beautiful and intelligent young lady. They spent their entire time at college getting to know each other and nurturing their relationship. By the time they graduated, they felt it was time that they wed and build a life and family together.
The young man had only dated a few girls in high school and getting married was certainly a huge step and a lifetime commitment larger than anything he had ever contemplated before. As such he thought about who it would be that could best advise him concerning this life altering decision. His decision seemed quite obvious. His grandpa was in his eighties and had been married to his grandma for well over fifty years. So who better to turn to in terms of advising him about marriage?
So he went to see his grandpa. He asked his grandpa what he thought about him getting married and what advice he had for him at this crossroads in his life. To which his grandpa replied....
"Grandson, nobody can tell you what you should do in regards to getting married. Only you and her know your relationship, how in love you are and how dedicated to each other the two of you are. That's a decision everyone has to make in their life based on their relationship with each other."
His grandpa went on to say..... "The only thing I feel it wise to advise you of is the reality of being married. I call it, 'The three rings of marriage'. Each being a phase of marriage that every man must go through.
First there is 'the engagement ring'. It's the phase of marriage that lasts while love is new and fresh. This is a time when you have the entire world in front of you. You feel every opportunity can be a reality and your eyes are open and optimistic.
The second ring is 'the wedding ring'. It's that time when plans are being made. It's the time that you plan a family, investing in property and building the foundation for your future. A time of unity and working together in conjunction with each other towards a common goal. This ring can last for quite some time."
"Then?", says the grandpa. Reality sets in and you realize many of those little things about your wife that gets on your nerves. That some of those dreams the two of you planned will never come true. Those wonderful children you planned to have, aren't quite 'so wonderful'. The nagging begins and she starts sounding like the Wicked Witch of the West. It's the phase your grandma and I have been in for over forty years now. It's the third and final ring known as 'the suffering'."
You have no idea how challenging/difficult this type of performance is.
In the past 4 years, I've played the orchestral sound tracks to West Side Story, Star Wars: ep. 4, Harry Potter/Sorcerer's Stone and Jurassic Park, ep 1.
Everything is played on a click track. The music moves both faster and slower, in accordance to the action on-screen. Stuff that the audience never knows a thing about. We have to play in time to the action on the screen, and NONE of it is as natural and organic as it seems to the audience.
I want to see our crew tackle all those Carl Stallings charts from those WB cartoons of the 40's, 50's & 60's. Throw in a little work by Hoyt Curtin on Jonny Quest, Flintstones, etc... the stuff is challenging and rewarding to play.
I have the utmost respect for all those studio musicians who provided the soundtracks to those cartoons that we all grew up with. Insane skills, yo.
Actually I didn't get it at first either then I saw your post so I scrolled back up and it just hit me.
Same. Kinda weird how the brain works. I looked at it yesterday and my eyes glossed over. Looked at it today, and heard the song playing in my head as I was "reading it" before I figured it out.
Back in my HS days, there was such a thing as telephone books. In our local book was a name that never failed to elicit a chortle in response. That name:
Haha. That's a throwback bro... I remember a couple occasions looking through the phone book with friends to find some crazy names. We probably called them to ask them if their refrigerator was running.
Then this popped into my head - think it was once a skit on SNL or something.
"This message brought to you by the law firm Dewey, Cheatham & Howe". Good stuff lol.
Haha. That's a throwback bro... I remember a couple occasions looking through the phone book with friends to find some crazy names. We probably called them to ask them if their refrigerator was running.
Then this popped into my head - think it was once a skit on SNL or something.
This made me laugh. Understand, I have 2 older brothers, 5 years older, and 6 years older. Rotary dial phone back then. Every home got a little orange sticker with the police phone number on it, to put on the phone. No '911' back then, at least here.
I watched them call random numbers and do the same thing you said. Later, I decided to do it also. Problem was, at age 5 or 6, or 7, I didn't know any numbers. So, I called the only number I could see - the police number. Luckily, it was in the early/mid 70's - no way to track a number.
Back in my HS days, there was such a thing as telephone books. In our local book was a name that never failed to elicit a chortle in response. That name:
Harry Dangler
There really was a urologist in Toledo named Richard Tapper.
Back in my HS days, there was such a thing as telephone books. In our local book was a name that never failed to elicit a chortle in response. That name:
Harry Dangler
There really was a urologist in Toledo named Richard Tapper.
My sis in-law lives on the east side of the state. For years, she talked about a gynecologist named V.D. Nipple
There was a squirrel that used to torment the heck out of my uncle's dog. It knew exactly how far that dog could go on its lead ...... and would sit about 2 feet outside of that, munching on acorns, while the poor dog barked itself silly.
There are a lot of squirrels in my yard, and the surrounding yards. There are a bunch of old oak trees in the 3-4 yard area, and there will be dozens of squirrels running up and down trees at any given moment. Recently we've had black squirrels move in with the brown and gray ones. There is one beautiful black squirrel that loves to torment my dog Dobby. Dobby sees him, and tenses ..... and explodes into action ..... and practically climbs the tree ..... and this squirrel gets just out of reach ... and chatters at him. lol I pity the day he's a step slow though ..... because Dobby's pretty darn quick.
Squirrels definitely have big personalities. Oh, and they always cleaned out my squirrel proof bird feeder when I used to put it out too.
I have two feeders hanging from a double shepherd hooks and the squirrels like to go up the pole, hang from the top, and grab the bottom of the feeder to tilt it and dump the birdfood on the ground. I tried spraying the pole with aerosol silicon and it works for a day or so - the squirrels get a couple feet up the pole and slide back down, pretty funny - but it either wears off too quickly or they just learn to dig in their claws a little more to get up the pole. I've been thinking of rigging up one of those dog shock collars by taping the receiver to the pole so the electrodes are in contact with the metal pole. I'm just not sure the metal pole would conduct enough of the low voltage zap when I pressed the transmitter button for it to matter. Finally I just said the hell with it and started throwing some sunflower seeds on the ground for the squirrels, chipmunks, and birds too large for the feeders (mourning doves).
My wife is the expert on feeding birds. We keep the squirrels off the feeders by throwing corn and shelled peanuts on the ground. We also buy the cheapest bird seed we can find....the kind with lots of cracked corn and millet....and spread this on the ground also. This keeps the less desirable birds like starlings, grackles, cowbirds, mourning doves, house sparrows, etc. off of the feeders. In the many feeders, we use a quality songbird mix, sunflower oilers, nyjer based finch food, meal worms for the bluebirds, grape jelly for the orioles and suet cakes. We also have a couple hummingbird feeders and make our own nectar (sugar water) for those.
My wife was also a bird aficionado, and at one point we had 6 regular feeders, 2 finch feeder socks, and a hummingbird feeder. Until about 15-20 years ago we had woods behind our house, before the housing development was put in. I was going through her Audubon Field Guide recently and she had a list of about 50 different types of birds that she had spotted in our back yard. Now, with the woods gone, all I ever see are sparrows, chickadees, cardinals, blue jays, mourning doves, and grackles. Its still worth feeding them, but I might hang a finch feeder too, because I miss the goldfinches and purple finches.
The madam opened the brothel door in Miami and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking old man in his late sixties or early seventies: “May I help you, sir?” She asked. The old man replied. “I want to see Valerie.” “Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else.” Said the madam. He replied. “No, I must see Valerie.” Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $10,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the old man pulled out ten thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs. After an hour, the old man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. “There are no discounts. The price is still $10,000.” Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the old man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie said to the old man. “No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?” The old man replied. “St. Louis.” “Really.” She said. “I have family in St. Louis.” “I know.” The old man said. “Your sister died and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $30,000 inheritance.”
Two best friends, Jim & Dave decided to spend the weekend at the beach. They rented a bungalow right at the shore, and took off to meet girls where the sand met the surf.
Jim says to Dave, "Dude- let's split up. That way we can double our chances to get those phone numbers. Meet back here in an hour." "Good idea, bro!"
When the hour was up, the bros got back together. Jim had nabbed 6 phone numbers, while Dave struck out swinging. That evening, they discussed their differing luck over steak dinners.
Jim tells Dave, "Here's what you do. You take one of those potatoes over there, and you put it in your Speedo. Them digits will start pouring in!"
Next day, they split up again. When the hour was over, they met up again.
"How'd you do, Dave?" "Unbelievable. It was worse than yesterday. Matter of fact, it was awful. They actually ran away from me all up and down the beach!"
"Dude- you were supposed to put the potato in the front of your suit...."
Did ya'll hear about the deaf gynecologist? Everyone was afraid of his impairment he would have trouble doing his job. Things turned out fine. Come to find out was very good at reading lips.
That happened to a friend of mine. He sparked a faulty arc welder on a ship. It blew him across the hold after melting his boots to the deck. The "I lived" party was great.
No we don't. I got hit with 440 3 phase on a carrier through a pinhole in a glove and burned a dime size hole about an eighth inch deep in my palm. Imagine being hit by a bus while losing full control of all your muscles and having your spine and neck forcefully yet involuntarily bend backward so all you see is ceiling... that is this experience... hard pass.
No we don't. I got hit with 440 3 phase on a carrier through a pinhole in a glove and burned a dime size hole about an eighth inch deep in my palm. Imagine being hit by a bus while losing full control of all your muscles and having your spine and neck forcefully yet involuntarily bend backward so all you see is ceiling... that is this experience... hard pass.
Sounds like my visit to the doctor the other day. lol
OK .... really ..... you got me beat by a mile .....
Dang, man... what a story. One I'm sure we all wish we could have been part of.
I swear his hair was still smoking at the party. His boots had holes blown in them out the sides and the soles.
I'm still trying to figure out if this guy is lucky or not. He's been in several accidents like that, on fire more times the he can count (welder), struck by lightning twice, almost lost fingers, toes, manhood, and always manages to live through it and heal.
It's "Son Of Goofy" and as none of the last several posts have been humorous, may as well elaborate, or what's the word, expound.
I think, to me, the "The incredible hulk" of the 1970's television show was "very obviously a democrat" or it would be presumed by, well just consider.
He was a drifter that goes from one community to another, that's not republican, that is not Elisabeth Dole type lifestyle
When he became Hulk he had green skin, (in my vain mind opinion, everything that has green skin is democrat, for some reason, Godzilla, Aligators, Crocodiles, lizards, the Geico character, Kermit the frog, everything, I don't know why, I just associate green skin characters as democrats, not republicans.
2nd. Bruce Bannon, (A democrat sounding candidat-tial) name got very angry if hurt a little physically, democrat sounding to me,
3rd, Bruce Bannon, as the drifter made friends quickly when he entered a new town, ... and the Ladies liked him. that's democrat, c'mon
4th, The incredible hulk always beat up the bad guys and saved the innocent women, Obviously democrat,
(I don't know what the uhh, " the Hulk" character is in comics since 2000, but the "The incredible Hulk" character of the 1970's
was so obviously democrat ... wait, Buck Rodgers, Republican,... Six Million Dollar man? Democrat...
Star Wars, Luke was a Republican, but Oh MY! He seems the only republican in the entire freaking cast, C3po, Leia, Hans, Lando, Obi Wan, Ok, maybe, maybe Chewbacca would be a republican
Vader, don't even start to think a republican, except for the old destroy the planet thing, Maybe (as this'll go over well) Vader is like the democrat Trump was before Trump ran for president.
Fun to think about: Bugs Bunny? Republican or democrat.
Scooby Doo? (oh C'mon!) the entire Gang! cept maybe Velma and the unmasked guys at the end.
As a former teacher, I have experienced how funny some of the answers to test questions can be. Some would make me laugh hysterically. My son came over today to pick up the stuffed peppers I made and he shared a few that he saw on FaceBook or Instagram or somewhere. Not sure where...LOL
Q: In which battle did Napoleon die? A: His last one.
Q: Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? A: At the bottom of the page.
Q: The Ravi River flows in which state? A: The liquid state.
Q: What is the main reason for divorce? A: Marriage.
My neighbors came around the neighborhood this morning with flyers complaining about how someone stole their delivered dinner from their front stoop last night. If you ask me, it feels like an overreaction for some poorly seasoned vegetables, overcooked salmon, and the lemon-tinged green beans, all of which had already gone cold anyway.
My neighbor complained my dog's barking is disturbing him. I told him that I am also bothered by his bed squeaking when he's at work.
A guy went to the doctor and complained: "Doctor, my girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the condom never broke. How is it possible?"
"Well, let me tell you a story. There was once a hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took his umbrella instead of his gun and went out. A lion suddenly jumped in front of him. In order to scare the lion, the hunter used the umbrella like a gun, shot the lion and killed it!"
"Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the lion."
"Exactly!"
One morning at a doctor's clinic a patient arrives complaining of serious back pain.
The doctor examines him and asks him:
"Tell me what happened to your back...?"
The patient replies: "Sir, I work for a local night club. This morning I went to my apartment early and heard some noise in my bed room.
On entering I knew someone had been with my wife and the balcony door was open.
I rushed out of the balcony door and did not find anyone.
As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man running out and he was dressing himself.
I was very angry. I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him.
It was very heavy...
That is how I strained my back.!"
Later that day, a second patient arrives as if he has been in a car wreck.
The doctor said: "My previous patient looked bad..
But you look terrible..
What the hell happened to you ?"
He replied: "You know I have been unemployed for a while now.
Today was the first day at my new job...
I forgot to set my alarm and I was late...
I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time.
And you won't believe it but I was hit by a fridge.
I don't know how and where from this fridge fell on me...!!!"
Before closing hours, the third patient comes. He looks like he was punished in hell.
The doctor is shocked.
He asks: "What the hell happened to you..??"
The patient replies:
"Well, It started like this, I was in a fridge.........."
So, vacation this week. Pulling my daughter and her boyfriend on a tube, behind the boat. 4 person tube, but just the 2 of them on it. Figure 8ts. (eights). Got it just perfect, and whipped them out into the turmoil I had created.
Tube was (not a tube - it was about 5 feet wide, and maybe 3 1/2 feet long) Launched them. Tube went up out of the water about 4 feet. Boyfriend fell off. He was new to tubing.
Daughter was able to hold on. Bottom of the tube was 4 feet over the water, top of the tube was 8 feet over the water. I saw my daughters head over the top of the tube, but the wild action was flipping her, and I saw her feet over the tube next. Head, then feet. 8-9 feet over the water. It was awesome. So was vacation.
Evander Holyfields sister was posting on Instagram. She said her brother Evander was having a hard time keeping his Covid mask on. She said that they went to the grocery store together and as he got out of the car she heard him mumble, "Thanks Mike Tyson".
Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons. One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble. One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek. Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred. Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes. Then he started looking in and under cars until a police man approached him and asked, "What are you doing?" "Playing a game," the boy replied. "What is your name?" the officer questioned. "Mind Your Own Business." Furious the policeman inquired, "Are you looking for trouble?!" The boy replied, "Why, yes."
A fellow was being sold a very cheap suit. “But the left arm is a lot longer than the right arm,” he complained.
“That’s why the suit is such a bargain,” the sales clerk explained. “Just [censored] your left shoulder up a little, like this, and tuck this left lapel under your chin a bit, like this.”
“But the right leg is way too short,” argued the customer.
“No problem,” the sales clerk answered. “Just keep your right knee bent a little at all times, walk like this, and no one will notice. That’s why this suit is only $30.”
Finally, the fellow bought the suit, cocked his left shoulder into the air, tucked the suit’s left lapel under his chin, bent his right knee, and limped out of the store toward his car. Two doctors happened along and noticed him. “Good heavens,” the first doctor said to the second, “look at that poor crippled fellow.”
“Yeah,” answered the second doctor. “But doesn’t that suit fit great?”
An altar boy goes the priest to confess his sexual relations.
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have had relations with a girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans. I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but..." "Look at what kids your age make in China!"
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.” The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”
A little old lady was walking down the street, dragging two large trash bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped, and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her and said, "Ma'am, there is money falling out of your bag." "Oh really?" said the lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for letting me know."
"Well not so fast," says the cop. "Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it did you?"
"Oh of course not," says the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. It kills the flowers, you know. But then I thought, why not make the best of it.
So now I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, "OK, buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!"
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "Well good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
Just when we thought 2020 couldn’t get any worse, Mexico City residents got the living daylights scared out of them when what appeared to be a giant rat was pulled up out of the city’s drainage system.
A realistic Halloween prop was among the 22 tons of trash and debris retrieved by crew workers from the sewage system, according to Border Report.
People marveled at how much it resembled a real rodent. Some told the outlet that if it had been seen on the street they would’ve run away in fear.
Local resident Evelin López laid claim to the monstrous monstrosity – saying her creation washed away years ago during storms in the city, and no one helped her find it.
No idea what she plans to do with the creepy creature.
I was just looking at the comments about the OL PFF grades after game S20/G3 in another forum. Bitonio, Tretter, especially Teller, and Conkin are all grading well to very well. The only one not excelling is Wills, actively converting from RT (all his life) to LT...in NFL games.
Trying to play FB left-handed (figuratively speaking) after having done it right-handed his whole life must be difficult.
The old lady handed her bank card to a bank teller and said, “I would like to withdraw $10".
The teller told her, “For withdrawals less than $100 please use the ATM.” The old lady wanted to know why ...
The teller returned her bank card and irritably told her, “These are the rules. Please leave if there is no other matter. There is a line of customers behind you.”
The old lady remained silent for a few seconds, then handed the card back to the teller and said, “Please help me withdraw all the money I have.”
The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance. She nodded her head, leaned down and respectfully told her, you have $300,000 in your account and the bank doesn't have that much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come again tomorrow?
The old lady then asked how much she could withdraw immediately. The teller told her any amount up to $3000
"Well, please let me have $3000 now", she said. The teller then handed it very friendly and respectfully to her.
The old lady put $10 in her purse and asked the teller to deposit $2990 back into her account.
The moral of this tale .......
Don't be difficult with old people, they spent a lifetime learning the skills.
some will get it- others won't. nerdliness-on HGH.
I feel like, it doesn't fit itself, if the pictures are supposed to represent one thing, then the letters he is reading off don't fit, and if the pictures on the eye chart fit the letters, then there were better pictures to use. The mixing of two different.. things doesn't work.
If I'm wrong, which one, is the guys reading off of letters supposed to be.
I actually thought I could trust science but I was wrong. I was reading a notice from the CDC and it said that wearing a mask and gloves at the grocery store was enough. They lied. When I went to the groceries everyone else had clothes on too.
My neighbors son had a wonderful career but he made just one mistake and all of his hard work went up in smoke. He went to college and made great grades. Then he went on to get a medical degree. He made love to one of his patients and lost his entire career. That seems like such a waste of talent for such a minor, single infraction. The community will miss him. He was a great Veterinarian.
I'm posting this with a heavy heart....😥 As much as I love Photography and everything that comes with it..it is taking up too much of my time. I am struggling to keep up with the everyday basics of cleaning and cooking and maintaining my home, so something has to give. I have decided to get rid of my gear. Below is a list of what is available. Serious inquiries only, and please, no low ball offers. Thanks for reading and understanding. Here is what I have: 1. Vacuum cleaner 2. Broom and dustpan 3. Mop and bucket 4. Lawnmower 5. Leaf blower 6. Laundry detergent 7. Iron 8. Toilet brush Thank you. 😉
In church last Sunday, I heard a sweet elderly lady in a nearby pew saying a prayer. She was so innocent and sincere that I just had to share it with you: “Dear Lord: This last year has been very tough. You have taken my favorite actors Sean Connery, Kirk Douglas and Diana Rigg; my favorite television host, Alex Trebek; Carl Reiner from ‘Your Show of Shows’; my favorite singer from the 50’s, Little Richard; even Charlie Daniels and Kenny Rogers my two favorite country western singers; and from sports you took Gale Sayers and my favorite basketball player Kobe Bryant. I just wanted you to know that my favorite politicians are Donald Trump, Mitch McConnell, Ted Cruz and Lindsey Graham.”
Not really goofy, just odd. Our dog likes carrots. Raw. Doesn't much matter where he is in the house, he knows the snap/crunch of a carrot and will come running.
I walked in the house last night. Wife was on the loveseat, with a blanket on her, and the dog was under the blanket. How he can breath like that I don't know - but, he never moved.
Sooga was on the chair. I was on a different chair. Dog still hadn't moved. Sooga got up and went to the kitchen, and came back with a bowl of carrots as a snack.
First bite she took, the dog blew up the blanket and was headed like a guided missile to Sooga so he could get a carrot.
My aussie loves raw carrots too, not crazy like that though, lol. They are also a great natural way to keep the worms away. We give her two a day, just the mini ones.
GC. A sense of humor reaches a point as a society, that the obvious word almost pun becomes a thing that is so obvious that it kills humor not adds to humor. For instance,
Anyone making a play on the name Adam Schiff, like hearing Sean Hannity politicaly call investigations a schiff show. (Which doesn't become witty expression but actually lacking witt, because the obvious thing would be to ignore the obvious aliteraton or ploy, because it's become expected.
For instance if a Hair Salon which once would call itself Curl up and dye, in a play on (Curl up and die) would choose NOT to call itself that, then That would be the funny thing.
So I see a crazy show from a forgettable person with a name schliz and the shows reference to the schliz list.
and I think, the witty thing, would be to avoid the obvious near pun.
(I'm reminded now of my screen name, but I've gone throught the story of my screen name in the past, it has a point, the point that the Browns didn't challenge the dbs enough in the 1995 playoff loss. And then realizing time precludes changing.
With this in mind, it's important to learn in "Son of Goofy" that there is an exhibition of a lack of a sense of humor if someone uses a play on words that is too obvious.
You still can't get the embedded Twitter and Youtube posts? If you hit the quote button, the web address to the tweets and clips will be there. You can copy and paste them into the address bar. This post was a Youtube clip of the Kmart "ship your pants" Christmas commercial from a few years ago.
"Rockstar" Nickleback!
