My New title is HMFIC of the Cleveland Browns. (ask someone in the military if you don't know what that means)
I was told that I need to start winning in Pre-season or I'll be fired by week 1.
That being said I have already started researching for the 2016 season.
My plan is a 3 pronged approach
Step 1 is to score more points than the other team Step 2 is to Emphasize our strengths and hide our weaknesses. Step 3 is to cheat
Okay on offense...
We don't have any WR's. We don't have a QB. We don't have a running game. The only guys that are any good are our offensive line and our TE.
I asked our analytics department to figure out what kind of statistical information that we could glean from this. After spending major resources on a Cray super computer and plugging in months worth of data our exhaustive measures paid off and we discovered the key to our future success.
Big guys are better than little guys.
So this year we will be running a single-wing offense and will not draft or sign a free agent below 250 lbs.
With the # 2 pick the Cleveland Browns draft 6' 7" 410 lb TE LaQuan McGowan...
Try tackling that with a Free Safety! We will also be experimenting with running plays where we use LaQuan to blot out the sun. The other team cannot tackle what it can't see.
As for QB, I have found us a free agent..
6' 4" 315 lb Jared Lorenzen
We will draft Cardale Jones in the draft's mid rounds as a back-up with a mandate that he needs to put on a little weight
Despite my best efforts to get Schwartz and Mack to stay with the team, I could not resign them, so I found our new right tackle playing semi-pro ball.
Meet 6' 11" 500 lb John "House" Taylor
I found our Center in High School
7' 440 lb John Krahn
Yes, he is a little skinny, but he is still a growing boy.
I plan on running a No-huddle offense, because I think our guys will need the entire play clock to get up off the ground and get to the line of scrimmage.
I don't think there will be salary cap problems as most of these guys will play for the NFL minimum if we install an "All you can eat" buffet in the training facility.
The single wing doesn't normally use WR's but I'm guessing that a lot of you are wondering how we use the smurfs we still have under contract. That is where the "cheat" part of the plan comes into play. It involves one guy on another guy's shoulders and an extra long football jersey, but I don't want to give too much away before the season starts.
Okay, I'll get more into the defense. We did the analytics thing again and here is what we found.
We put in the following data...
We can't stop the run. We can't stop the pass. We can't get off blocks. We can't tackle.
The Cray super computer suggested...
Get different guys.
I am taking it a step farther and thinking that we should also get more guys on defense than just 11. The current rules state that there may only be 11 guys on the field at a time, but just like Bill Belichick I am always looking for loopholes and an edge.
Currently we are sending our scouts to circuses and small towns near nuclear power plants or high voltage power lines that have Siamese twins that can play football.
Last but not least, analytics is not just for the football side of things.
You will all be happy to hear that the Cray super computer has also suggested that we reduce the price of beer currently sold in the stadium from it's current level of $10.75 to $ 0.05.
The theory here is that if we fail to improve the team next year most of you will be too drunk to care.
:rofl Just brilliant stuff! It might work. Shelton is a natural tailback. Some cats are wilder than other wildcats. Imight pay to see the Big Brown Juggernauts.
"Every responsibility implies opportunity, and every opportunity implies responsibility." Otis Allen Glazebrook, 1880
