Hardy Vision: Rah-rah-rah, welcome to the club
Aug. 23, 2007
By Gregory Hardy
SPiN Columnist
Tell Gregory your opinion!
http://www.sportsline.com/spin/story/10315074 It's after-hours in Canton, Ohio, but NFL mascots Jaxon de Ville and Steely McBeam have found a bar that's still pouring. They raise a toast.
JAXON: "Here's to Steely McBeam, the newest member of the NFL mascot fraternity. The Pittsburgh Steelers found themselves a hell of a cheerleader, kid."
STEELY: "And here's to Jaxon de Ville, the slickest big brother a fraternity pledge could ask for. I couldn't have survived without you, man."
JAXON: "My pleasure, bro-ham!"
STEELY: "Now maybe all the doubters will shut their pie-holes!"
JAXON: "I knew you belonged. We met quorum among the brotherhood to vote you in, that's what mattered."
STEELY: "Do you mind if I ask about the behind-the-scenes mechanics of it all? Now that I'm initiated, it's not a problem that I know, right?"
JAXON: "OK, settle down. Yes, there was more than one member wondering what would be the point of having you. But I don't think it does you any good to hear about it."
STEELY: "C'mon, I can handle the truth. I've earned it. Besides, I know who hates my guts."
JAXON: "Listen. Blitz, that scary-looking bird thing, is a frickin' jerk to everybody. I don't know what working for the Seattle Seahawks has done to his personality, but you just have to deal with it. Blue -- and how stupid is that for a nickname? -- is just a snotty first-year mascot who was lucky enough to win the Super Bowl with the Colts right out of the gate. He'll settle down this year."
STEELY: "Is it that hard for people to accept me?"
JAXON: "Well, your name takes a little work to get past. I know it was chosen out of thousands of entries in a fan contest, but it sounds like something that was made up for South Park. But big deal, you have a stupid nickname. We're all a bunch of circus freaks with stupid nicknames. Besides, could there be anything stupider than 'Sourdough Sam' for the 49ers?"
STEELY: "Do I still have a lot of people to win over?"
JAXON: "Well, the reason non-Steelers fans are skeptical right now is that you're an untested, unknown commodity. Give them time. At least you don't have skeletons in your closet, like Swoop the Eagle in Philadelphia."
STEELY: "What's his problem?"
JAXON: "The damn guy is illiterate! He goes to kids' charity book readings, and it's always some cheerleader or library assistant who has to read the book! I can't believe he's gotten away with it this long."
STEELY: "You think I deserved all the months of crap the guys threw at me?"
JAXON: "Look at it from their perspective. Some of these mascots, their fans don't have much to root for if the teams aren't on a hot streak. The Pittsburgh Steelers have one of the nation's fiercest fan bases. They've won five Super Bowls. Their fans are their cheerleaders. Why do they need you after getting along fine without you for 75 years?"
STEELY: "Well, isn't it fun to have a team mascot?"
JAXON: "Pittsburgh isn't about fun. The Steelers are about life or death. You try to make the game fun for the fans, but first it has to be fun for you."
STEELY: "I think once Pittsburgh Steelers fans see me around for a while, they'll come to accept me."
JAXON: "You've got two things going for ya: You don't just have the honeymoon period of being a new mascot, but the glow from winning Super Bowl XL will carry at least another season or two."
STEELY: "Of course, we've got a new coach now, so if things tank, it's not going to be Mike Tomlin who takes the heat, it will be me for being bad luck."
JAXON: "Tomlin will take the heat, but that's why they pay him a lot more than they pay you."
STEELY: "Thanks for reminding me. Man, I can use another drink. I'm still freaking out from that whole initiation ceremony. I come into that room blindfolded, then see all these black robes and candles and paddles on the wall. I'm thinking it's about to be like the Omega House initiation scene from Animal House. I looked at Captain Fear from the Bucs, and I swore he was about to say 'We shall now consecrate the bonds of obedience!'"
JAXON: "Yeah, we could have had you making like Kevin Bacon: 'Thank you, sir! May I have another?!'"
STEELY: "With all those candles in there, aren't you worry about someone's costume catching on fire?"
JAXON: "Hey, we're mascots. Something goes wrong, you make like it was all part of the act. So you catch fire, big deal. Stop, drop, roll, and when you're safe, take a bow."
STEELY: "You know what, though? For how much Hell Week sucked -- even though most of the guys were saying it was a cakewalk compared to what they went through -- it really prepared me for the initiation ceremony."
JAXON: "You handled it like a pro. The Feats of Strength were no problemo. You could recite the Mascot's Creed backward and forward. And you didn't complain one bit once we let you out of that underwater tank after 12 minutes. But hey, at least when you tell people you had to jump through hoops to join the mascot fraternity, you can honestly say you jumped through hoops -- 20 feet in the air."
STEELY: "I can't believe all my hazing was barely anything compared to what you older guys went through."
JAXON: "Well, with Roger Goodell at the helm, he's made it a priority to crack down on mascot hazing. He's connected, he's heard the stories through the years. And we have kept an unbelievable amount of disasters out of the press. Goody-Two-Shoes knows we can't risk that luck running out, and all of a sudden there's a picture of the Dallas Cowboys' Rowdy tied to a goalpost wearing women's underwear."
STEELY: "Pretty ironic isn't it, that for all the thousands of people who we're supposed to make scream, our No. 1 job is keeping our mouths shut."
JAXON: "Anyway, we've got a lot of exciting stuff to look forward to this season. Not just the games, but all the public appearances and socials. That reminds me, we've got a cocktail hour scheduled next week with the Carolina Panthers cheerleaders."
STEELY: "They're finally off social probation for that Tampa incident?"
JAXON: "You bet. But let's do our damndest to get them in trouble again, know what I mean?"
STEELY: "Awesome! But beyond the game day stuff, I'd like to be active in what's going on in the fraternity. Who are the best people to hang around for that?"
JAXON: "Well, Detroit's Roary the Lion still has a few months left as fraternity president. You can learn a lot from him about damage control. The next election is probably going to come down to Ragnar the Viking vs. New Orleans' Gumbo the St. Bernard. You might want to start shadowing Rags. Worst comes to worse, you hang out with the guy a little more and do a lot more drinking."
STEELY: "Any other advice?"
JAXON: "Yeah. Don't tell anyone you're really Kordell Stewart under there."
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