DawgTalkers.net Forums DawgTalk Palus Politicus Political Jokes Pt. 4

The first convicted felon made his way to Alligator Alcotraz.

Name: Donald Trump.

Convicted on 34 felony counts.

Bondi Calls Epstein List as Non-existent as Trump’s Healthcare Plan

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In her most vehement denial to date, Attorney General Pam Bondi told reporters on Thursday that the so-called Epstein List is “as non-existent as President Trump’s healthcare plan.”

“The Epstein List is not even a concept of a list,” she added.

“Let’s say you had three things that don’t exist—the Epstein List, President Trump’s healthcare plan, and a unicorn—and you had to rank them from most existent to least existent,” she said. “It would go, unicorn, healthcare plan, Epstein List.”

Asked why she had earlier asserted that the Epstein List was on her desk, she responded, “What is this ‘desk’ you speak of?”

When further pressed on how the list could now suddenly be non-existent she replied, "The list is no longer existent because Biden's dog Commander ate the list."

SEATTLE—Less than two weeks since he tied the knot with Lauren Sanchez, Jeff Bezos has been finding it “nearly impossible” to return wedding gifts to Amazon, sources close to the newlyweds revealed on Wednesday.

According to those sources, Bezos has experienced an unacceptable level of difficulty navigating the Amazon returns system and has failed “repeatedly” to get a customer service representative to speak to him.

An associate who witnessed Bezos cursing as he attempted to print a return mailing label said that he was “in disbelief that so-called friends had bought wedding gifts on Amazon.”

“He thought that he and Lauren would be showered with luxury items,” the associate said. “At the very least, he thought he’d get more than a set of steak knives from Ivanka and Jared.”

Andy Borowitz

Trump praises Liberian leader for his good English..... Interesting compliment to give someone from a country where their first language is English. Can't make this stuff up.

Sometimes the jokes write themselves.

Stephen Miller Accuses Haitian Immigrants of Eating Epstein List

A Letter from the President of Liberia

To the American people:

Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Joseph Boakai, and I am the president of Liberia.

This week I had a most unusual meeting with your president, Donald Trump, at the White House.

If you will bear with me, I would like to share my thoughts about what occurred.

In our meeting, President Trump expressed admiration bordering on astonishment for my mastery of the English language, seemingly unaware that English is the official language of Liberia.

For these remarks, President Trump earned an avalanche of mockery from the global media. I believe this reaction was extremely unfair, for the following reasons:

First, it is only natural that the president would be surprised to encounter an African who speaks comprehensibly, since the African he has spent the most time with is Elon Musk.

Second, President Trump is known for many things—his dancing, for example, and his eccentric use of capital letters—but he is not famous for his knowledge of Africa. This is, after all, a man who, in 2017, referred to the African nation of “Nambia”—a mythical land entirely of his own invention.

And third, there is a final reason why President Trump should not be criticized for complimenting my ability to speak English. He himself is living proof that you can be from an English-speaking country and still be unable to speak it.

And so, as a gift to the good people of the United States, I would like to make the following offer: I am willing to return to your country on a regular basis to teach your president English.

I recognize that, between bombing Iran and sending troops to Home Depot, President Trump is a busy man, so these English lessons can be scheduled at his convenience. Also, if he has friends who might benefit from such instruction, I would be happy to include them in our classes. Marjorie Taylor Greene and Tommy Tuberville come to mind.

I cannot promise you that I will be able to teach President Trump to speak English as fluently as a Liberian. But perhaps I can teach him, once and for all, what the word “tariff” means.

With all my best wishes,

President Joseph Boakai

The Borowitz Report