DawgTalkers.net Forums DawgTalk Palus Politicus Political Jokes Pt. 4

The first convicted felon made his way to Alligator Alcotraz.

Name: Donald Trump.

Convicted on 34 felony counts.

Bondi Calls Epstein List as Non-existent as Trump’s Healthcare Plan

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In her most vehement denial to date, Attorney General Pam Bondi told reporters on Thursday that the so-called Epstein List is “as non-existent as President Trump’s healthcare plan.”

“The Epstein List is not even a concept of a list,” she added.

“Let’s say you had three things that don’t exist—the Epstein List, President Trump’s healthcare plan, and a unicorn—and you had to rank them from most existent to least existent,” she said. “It would go, unicorn, healthcare plan, Epstein List.”

Asked why she had earlier asserted that the Epstein List was on her desk, she responded, “What is this ‘desk’ you speak of?”

When further pressed on how the list could now suddenly be non-existent she replied, "The list is no longer existent because Biden's dog Commander ate the list."

SEATTLE—Less than two weeks since he tied the knot with Lauren Sanchez, Jeff Bezos has been finding it “nearly impossible” to return wedding gifts to Amazon, sources close to the newlyweds revealed on Wednesday.

According to those sources, Bezos has experienced an unacceptable level of difficulty navigating the Amazon returns system and has failed “repeatedly” to get a customer service representative to speak to him.

An associate who witnessed Bezos cursing as he attempted to print a return mailing label said that he was “in disbelief that so-called friends had bought wedding gifts on Amazon.”

“He thought that he and Lauren would be showered with luxury items,” the associate said. “At the very least, he thought he’d get more than a set of steak knives from Ivanka and Jared.”

Andy Borowitz

Trump praises Liberian leader for his good English..... Interesting compliment to give someone from a country where their first language is English. Can't make this stuff up.

Sometimes the jokes write themselves.

Stephen Miller Accuses Haitian Immigrants of Eating Epstein List

A Letter from the President of Liberia

To the American people:

Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Joseph Boakai, and I am the president of Liberia.

This week I had a most unusual meeting with your president, Donald Trump, at the White House.

If you will bear with me, I would like to share my thoughts about what occurred.

In our meeting, President Trump expressed admiration bordering on astonishment for my mastery of the English language, seemingly unaware that English is the official language of Liberia.

For these remarks, President Trump earned an avalanche of mockery from the global media. I believe this reaction was extremely unfair, for the following reasons:

First, it is only natural that the president would be surprised to encounter an African who speaks comprehensibly, since the African he has spent the most time with is Elon Musk.

Second, President Trump is known for many things—his dancing, for example, and his eccentric use of capital letters—but he is not famous for his knowledge of Africa. This is, after all, a man who, in 2017, referred to the African nation of “Nambia”—a mythical land entirely of his own invention.

And third, there is a final reason why President Trump should not be criticized for complimenting my ability to speak English. He himself is living proof that you can be from an English-speaking country and still be unable to speak it.

And so, as a gift to the good people of the United States, I would like to make the following offer: I am willing to return to your country on a regular basis to teach your president English.

I recognize that, between bombing Iran and sending troops to Home Depot, President Trump is a busy man, so these English lessons can be scheduled at his convenience. Also, if he has friends who might benefit from such instruction, I would be happy to include them in our classes. Marjorie Taylor Greene and Tommy Tuberville come to mind.

I cannot promise you that I will be able to teach President Trump to speak English as fluently as a Liberian. But perhaps I can teach him, once and for all, what the word “tariff” means.

With all my best wishes,

President Joseph Boakai

The Borowitz Report

I now understand what Republicans mean by "A big, beautiful bill".

That's what you'll get from the hospital once your medicaid is cut off.

"Russia, if you're listening, I hope you can find the missing Epstein list."

Of all the heinous things Trump has done, I will never forgive him for making me side with Rupert Murdoch!

Kidd Rock is a loyal trump supporter. He makes music for those...............

-People who know exactly how much sudafed you can buy in any county within a 50 mile radius.

-Know which states in which you can legally marry your first cousin

-Knows the current market value of any catalytic converter within a $5 margin

-People who have to breathe into a tube to start their car

-People who know the current scrap value of copper wire by heart

-Guys who are allowed to see their kids every other weekend, but don't

-People who still smoke cigarettes in their house

-People who get their girlfriend's/boyfriend's name tattooed on them two weeks into a relationship

-People who grab their pencil with their whole fist

-People who say "I would enlist but I know I'd deck my drill sergeant the first time he got in my face"

-Guys whose girlfriend has a bedazzled ankle monitor

-40 year old dudes who are in a 16 year old's DMs telling her she's "mature for her age"

-Guys who get dropped off at work when they bother to work

Obama Posts Video of Trump Actually Getting Arrested in Real Life

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Responding to Donald J. Trump’s posting of a fake AI-generated video of Barack Obama being arrested, on Monday the former president posted an actual video of Trump being criminally prosecuted in 2024.

The video shows Trump outside the Manhattan courtroom where he was charged with 34 felony counts and ultimately convicted on all of them.

“To be honest, I wanted to come up with some kind of crazy AI video to respond to his, but I’m no good with all of that tech stuff,” Obama said. “Fortunately, there was real video of him when he was on trial, so I guess I lucked out.”

At the White House, press secretary Karoline Leavitt blasted Obama’s post, stating, “Sharing actual footage of events that really happened is something that President Trump would never do.”

https://www.borowitzreport.com/p/ob...iuOta-TZMahi6_aem_lhHYEkbzClk80DrZVJxFlQ

Trump’s DOJ getting to the bottom of the Epstein case has an OJ looking for the real killers vibe to it.

Ghislaine Maxwell Rejects Trumpstein's Offer of Qatari 747 jet to lie about Epstein clients list.

SCOTLAND—Donald J. Trump revealed on Saturday that JD Vance had agreed to serve the rest of Ghislaine Maxwell’s prison sentence in her place.

“JD wasn’t thrilled about it, quite frankly,” Trump told reporters. “He was crying like a dog.”

“I told him to be a man,” Trump said. “It’s only 20 years.”

As for Maxwell, Trump said, “I wish her well,” adding that he that he expects her to be “a terrific vice president.”

Andy Borowitz's Post

WASHINGTON—Stating that “It has treated me very unfairly,” on Friday Donald J. Trump fired his bathroom scale.

“I told it to lower my weight to 215 and it refused,” he said. “It’s as bad as Jerome Powell.”

Claiming that the bathroom accessory was “rigged by Biden,” Trump said that he had ordered Attorney General Pam Bondi to prosecute the scale for treason.

Andy Borowitz

Yeah, but he can only collect on one of them. Flip a coin maybe?

Trump Boosts Labor Statistics By Offering Ghislaine Maxwell 200,000 Jobs.

j/c

I love satire. If it's biting satire, I love it all the more.
I know it's not everyone's cup-o-tea, but lets face it:

1. humor is subjective
2. I cut my baby teeth on MAD Magazine.

This is an example of what MAD used to do for me: link
_______________________

I'm glad Trump is gutting the EPA. My family's tire-burning business is on fire! | Opinion
The glorious news that the Trump administration is basically disavowing the very idea of climate change (HOAX!) rattled all the eco-losers out there.
Rex Huppke
USA TODAY

Every morning I wake up, open the doors to my family tire-burning and tainted-meat-sales business and thank God for President Donald J. Trump.

We have learned that the Environmental Protection Agency is going to do away with its woke and anti-tire-fire-business belief that greenhouse gas emissions are a danger to human health. According to USA TODAY – which I don’t read – EPA head Lee Zeldin said getting rid of the “endangerment finding” of 2009 will “save Americans money and unravel two decades of regulation aimed at reducing carbon dioxide, methane and other greenhouse gases from cars, power plants, oil production and other sources.”

It’s about freakin’ time. I’ve been in the outdoor tire-burning business for more than two decades, and I know firsthand my burn pit’s emissions don’t present any health risks. My remaining half-lung is healthier than ever (only weak soy boys need two lungs) thanks to the strength it built up through years of asthma.

Trump knows EPA has no business protecting the environment

And don’t get me started on climate change. The higher the temperatures, the easier it is to stand next to a pile of burning radial tires for hours a day without noticing a temperature difference. Heck, we’re even saving money on matches and kerosene because the summers are so hot the tires just spontaneously combust.

The glorious news that the Trump administration is basically disavowing the very idea of climate change (HOAX!) rattled all the eco-losers out there, including Scott Saleska, professor of ecology and evolutionary biology at the University of Arizona, who told The Associated Press: “To repeal the endangerment finding now would be like a driver who is speeding towards a cliff taking his foot off the brake and instead pressing the accelerator.”

Damn right, Prof. Scaredy Cat. Everyone knows you hit the accelerator when approaching a cliff. You don’t want to hit the kick-ass canyon-jumping ramp going slow. That’s a little thing called “fun” – maybe look it up in one of those books you claim contain “facts.”

Deregulating food safety is a win for tainted-meat sellers and customers


Anyway, thanks to President Trump, the tire-burning arm of my family’s business is about to boom, just like our tainted-meat sales spiked earlier this year after MY president issued an executive order doing away with the Department of Agriculture's National Advisory Committee on Meat and Poultry Inspection and the National Advisory Committee on Microbiological Criteria for Foods. We here at the Huppke Flaming Tire and Cheap Meat Emporium say the more deregulation, the better – especially when it comes to food. Since that executive order, our unrefrigerated, fresh-from-Interstate-57, week-old cuts of venison and “mystery protein” have been selling like unregulated lead-based hotcakes.

Government can't stop me from selling tire fire-smoked jerky

We used to have to hide the fact that we smoke our delicious precooked meats over the artisanal tire fires, but not anymore. And the money we’re saving on fly control … it’s a real boon to businesses like mine that believe meat in any condition is suitable for human consumption as long as you tell the customers to cook it a good long time so they don’t get the trots. With the extra money we’re making, we’ll now be able to hire another tire fire tender, since the last one died of a rare combination of heat exhaustion and mystery-jerky poisoning.

God bless you, President Trump! And thank you for not caring about the cancer cluster in the town downwind of our business. Only a lib would think there’s some kind of connection!

[/quote

Yeah- sometimes, satire/absurdity is the best way to send a serious message.

"Mystery Protein" 🤣

Trump Fires White House Doctor Over Contested Penis Statistics.

lol

Well in trump's defense the doctor did use the metric system in his evaluation and that's just un-American.

Sources inside the White House have confirmed that trump has narrowed down his choices for the new commissioner of the Bureau of Labor Statistics to three names.

Kidd Rock, Lee Greenwood and Ted Nugent. He had been also considering The Village People but was afraid they may not be able to come to a unanimous number that he liked on a monthly basis.

I think these two are in the running as well.

Breaking News - Donald Trump to rename San Andreas Fault to Joe Bidens Fault.....

Texas Governor Greg Abbott just released an emergency warning for the State of Texas telling it's citizens to be on the lookout for Democrats; “Democrats could be anywhere. They could be in your town. They could be hiding under your bed. More likely, they are at a farmer’s market, selecting artisanal pickles.”

Andy Borowitz

JD Vance spends a lot of time looking at couches…

Trump being all over the Epstein files and the Diddy tapes, considering pardons for pedos, will somehow Make America Great again? He’s the joke.

Trump has officially appointed George Santos to head the Department of Labor statistics.