DawgTalkers.net Forums DawgTalk Everything Else... The joke thread!

A duck walks into a pharmacy. He looks about the place, then saunters up to the druggist's counter. When the pharmacist looks at him, he says, "pssst... hey bud... you guys sell Chap Stik here?"

After recovering from the shock of hearing a talking duck for the first time, the pharmacist replies, "Yes sir... aisle 4, halfway down, middle shelf."

The duck waddles down aisle four, makes his selection, and returns to the counter.

"That'll be 1.98, sir. Would you like to pay with cash or a check card?"
"Nah... neither. Just put it on my bill."
(rim shot)

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Two weeks later, the duck returns. He once again scans the pharmacy, and saunters up to the druggist's counter for assistance.

"Hey! I remember you... you're that talking duck from a couple weeks ago!"
"Yeah, yeah... whatever. Say- I gotta question for ya. You guys sell condoms here?"
"Well, now I've seen everything. Of course we sell condoms. Aisle 69 [yeah, I know... I couldn't help it. It's a big pharmacy...] top shelf."

Duck waddles to the "Family Aids" section, makes his selection, and returns to the counter.


"That'll be 9.99. You want me to put'em on your bill?
"HEY!!! What the hell kinda duck do you think I am???

It's a good thing I'm not a native West Virginian or I would be insulted, Clem...

Growing up in Steubenville, we were always making jokes about our neighbors from across the river.

Although, I did spend five great years working in Wheeling.

Weirton is even more deserving of derision....

My Wife's from Steubenville... I've been hearing the jokes for 30 years now.

I grew up close to Steubenville and I have been telling them for way longer than 30 years Clem

Steubenville is weird. It's in the state of Ohio, but easily half the town are Stoolz fans (no doubt because of proximity). Married into a Stoolz family.

Once, my Pops-In-Law and I were talking smack (back in the days when Browns fans were actually entitled to talk smack). He said: "I'd rather walk to see a Steelers game than have a chauffeured limo ride to see a Browns game."

I told him: "I think you SHOULD walk to a Stoolz game... just don't use any bridges to get there!"

From our friend DIEHARD on another board, many years ago:

On his 74th birthday, a man received a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation. The medicine man was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, all the time wondering what was to come. The old medicine man slowly and methodically
produced a potion, which he handed to the 74 year-old.

With a grip onhis shoulder, the medicine man warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3'. When you do that, you will become manlier than you have ever been in your life and you will be able to perform as long as you want."

The old man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" the medicine man responded. "But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

The old man was very eager to see if the potion worked, so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes…and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"




And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition – or one will end up with a dangling participle.

The Lone Ranger was captured by a "ruthless band of bloodthirsty savages." (I just love those old-time cliches, don't you?)

He was hauled in front of the Chief, who says, "Lone Ranger... you have been a brave man for many years. You carry strong medicine, and would have been a great chief like me. However, you chose the wrong side of this conflict, and for that you must die in three days. BUT... because you are a great warrior worthy of respect, I will grant you three wishes ...one each day... before your execution. Use them well."

The Lone Ranger thinks for a moment, then says, "I'd like to speak to my horse." Silver is brought to him, whereupon LR wispers into his ear. Silver nods his head, snorts, and departs the camp at breakneck speed. That evening, he returns... with the most ravishing brunette the Ranger (or any brave, for that matter) had ever seen. She slipped inside the Lone Ranger's tent and was not seen until the next morning.

The next morning, with the brunette astride Silver, the Chief addresses the Lone Ranger. "Your reputation as a true man has been confirmed. You would indeed have made a great chief, and father of many strong braves. It is a shame to have to execute you, but laws are laws. You have two wishes and two days left."

Once again, the LR requests to speak to his horse, who once again leaves camp in a rush.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a stunning blonde, who cooly dismounts Silver, slinks nto the Ranger's tent and mounts HIM.

The next morning, the chief was even more impressed than before, and seemed truly sorry that he must carry out the death sentence, such was his admiration for his adversary.

"It gives me great sorrow to tell you that you have one more wish and one more day to live. It has been an honor sharing the campfire with you, and you will be remembered in our songs forever. You have one more wish."

The Lone Ranger makes the same request as before. When Silver is brought to him this time, he reaches up, grabs Silver by both ears, and says, "Lissenup, you dumbazz. This is my last chance, so I'll yell it to you as plainly as I can... I said bring POSSE!!!!!

The frits one was gerta!

Knee slappin' time!

clever, son.... clever.

In honor of Jurassic Park coming out tonight here is a funny picture!

Funny Clem, I don't remember that!

Anyway, I saw this from the Men's Humor twitter feed:

Girl: Come over
Boy: I'm coming over
Girl: We really should stop using walkie-talkies over

I about spit out my water while reading this. Fantastic!

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a ...case of Miller Lite and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans', he replies. 'Put them back, it's a waste of money', demands the wife, and so he does and they carry on shopping.


A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of ...face cream and puts it in the basket.

What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband... "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Miller Lite and it's half the price....'

HUSBAND DOWN, AISLE 7 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Lone Ranger was out walking with Tonto one day. They made their way through a dry riverbed when suddenly Tonto stopped, put his ear to the ground and listened. After a few seconds he popped back up, jumped to the nearest bank and said "river flooding". The Ranger jumped up to the bank with him and was astonished when within seconds, a large flash flood poured through the riverbed.

A few minutes later, they approached a set of rail tracks. Again, Tonto put his ear down to the ground, listened for a few seconds, stood up and said "runaway train". Several seconds later, a large steam engine barreled around a bend and blew past them at break-neck speed. Completely amazed, Lone Ranger continued on with Tonto.

A bit later they were walking through a large field. And once more Tonto put his ear to the ground and listened. A few seconds later he popped up and announced, "buffalo come". Beside himself, the Ranger asked, "Tonto! How do you know this??" To which Tonto replied, "Ear sticky".

Two nuns were driving in a car, when suddenly a vampire jumped onto their windshield. The first nun screamed to the other, "Sister! Show him your cross!!" The second nun popped her head out the window and said, "Get off our damn car a-hole!"

Barbara Walters had the opportunity to interview a great Indian Chief to lean the ways of the tribe. Soon the interview began.....

So chief, she inquired, "How does your tribe sustain itself with food."

The Chief replied, "Women raise crops, men hunt animals. Plenty of food for all."

"So Chief", she asks, "How do you choose a wife from the tribe?"

The Chief smiles and says, "Chief can have any woman, any time. Me mate with them all. Skinny, fat, short and tall."

To which Barbara exclaims, "Oh dear!!!"

The Chief quickly replies, "No deer. Ass too high. Run too fast."

A young Native American asks his mother, "Why is my brother named Running Bear?"

"A bear ran past our teepee when he was being conceived."

"And why is my sister named Falling Star?"

"There were shooting stars the night she was conceived, and it looked like one fell to the Earth."

The little boy just sat there quietly for a while, so his mother asked, "Why all of the questions, Torn Rubber?"

As the husband is shaving, the wife steps out of the shower.

"I wish I had a nicer body," she lamented.
"Why's that?" asked the husband.

Wife: "I've always thought my breasts were too small. I've considered cosmetic surgery, but it's so expensive."
Hubby: "Well.... we could try something that would definitely save money, and might get you want you want anyway..."

Wife: "What's your idea?"
Hubby: "Well- every time you get out of the shower, grab a wad of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts. Who knows? maybe in a couple years, you'll look at yourself, and decide you don't need implants."

Wife: "That sounds goofy. You really think something like that would work?"
Hubby: "Maybe. It certainly seems to have worked for your butt-"

Shortly thereafter, the cops arrived.

A guy I know just helped deliver 300 Septic Tanks to West Virginia... he said as soon as they learn to drive them they're going to attack Kentucky.


A doe comes stumbling out of the woods and looks up awkwardly at another and says "I'll never do that for two bucks again!"

I just went online and ordered a chicken and an egg to see which one comes first, I'll keep you updated!

During the depression Ohio had to set up border stations to limit the influx of unskilled labor competing for already scarce factory jobs.

One day a young man from Kentucky shows up at the check point and explains that he'd like to move to Ohio to find work. The guard asked "what do you do sir? what are your skills?" The man replied "I'm a Pilot." The guard says, "well we can always use pilots in Ohio" and he allows the man to cross into Ohio.

15 minutes later another man from Kentucky shows up and says he'd like to move to Ohio to look for work. The guard asked "what do you do sir? what are your skills?" The man replied "I'm a fire wood cutter." The guard says, "we don't need any fire wood cutters in Ohio"... The man replies "BUT you just let my brother in 15 minutes ago!"

The guard says "Yes, but your brother is a Pilot." The man says angrily "That's RIGHT dangit! So tell me how's he supposed to pile it if I ain't there to cut it?"

Two guys are standing a at the bar drinking and talking having a good time... One guy looks at the other and says "I'll be back in a minute I have to go take a leak." The other guy says, "Hey, go for me while you are in there..." And the first guy mumbles "okay, okay" and goes off to the restroom.

After just a few minutes the guy comes running out of the restroom with one hand holding up his unbuckled unzipped pants, runs straight over to the second guy and punches him in the face, knocking him to the ground.

When the guy on the ground looks up and says "why the heck did you do that?" The red faced man fresh from the restroom yells "YOU COULD OF TOLD ME YOU HAD DIARRHEA AND NEEDED TO TAKE A DUMP!"

A farmer is out tending his fields when a man in a suit walks up to him. The man says, "Sir, I am a DEA agent, and we are searching all the fields in this area for illegal drugs." The farmer replies, "Search all you want, just stay out of that field over there."

The DEA agent instantly gets angry, pulls out his badge and says, "You see this badge?! This badge gives me the authority to search any field I want, whenever I want." The farmer shrugs his shoulders and says, "Ok. Search where you want," and goes about his business.

About 15 minutes later, the farmer hears screams coming from the field he told the DEA agent to avoid. He drives his tractor over to the fence and sees his prize bull chasing the battered DEA agent. The DEA agent is screaming for help while trying to avoid being gored.

The farmer, knowing his duty to help, holds his hands up to his mouth and yells at the DEA agent, "Your badge!!!! Show him your badge!!!"

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence." "Done!" replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.

good one TTT!

"'$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence.' "Done!" replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work."

But sadly, this is a joke thread.

An engineer is walking outside his place of employment and sees 3 business analysts standing around the flagpole and staring up at the top. "What are you guys doing?" he asks.

"It's inventory time and we were told to measure the height of this flagpole but we can't figure out how to do it. It's too tall."

The engineer unscrews the flagpole from the base, lays it on the ground and using a tape measure the analysts had measures it. "Eighteen feet." The engineer then leaves.

One of the analysts says, "Just like an engineer. Ask him for the height and he gives you the length."

Figured this would be a good spot for this...

Some of those are pretty good. Never seen that before.

An old man went to the Doctor complaining that his wife could barely hear. The Doctor suggested a test to find out the extent of the problem. “Stand far behind her and ask her a question, and then slowly move up and see how far away you are when she first responds.” The old man excited to finally be working on a solution for the problem, runs home and sees his wife preparing supper. ” Honey” the man asks standing around 20 feet away “whats for supper?” After receiving no response he tried it again 15 feet away, and again no response. Then again at 10 feet away and again no response. Finally he was 5 feet away “honey whats for supper?”

She replies “For the fourth time it’s lasagna!”

Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

A little girl was walking around with a box full of new baby kittens. She was showing them to everyone. At one point, she was showing them to her grandpa.

Granpa: "Wow! So what are their names?"

Girl: "I don't have names for each one. I just call them Democrats. In 6 weeks I'll call them Republicans."

Granpa: "Why's that?"

Girl: "Well that's when their eyes open."

An old WWII vet and his daughter take a trip to France from New Jersey. While walking around Normandy, he sees an old restaurant that he actually visited during the war. He decides to have a meal there.

As the man doesn't speak French, he has his daughter tell the waiter his story, which is that he was stationed near by during the war, and he had eaten in this restaurant once. As they finish their meal, the old owner comes out, and the staff comes out one by one to thank the man for his service.

The old man, looking astonished and greatful, gazes at the assembled staff and says, "Danke".

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac?

He stayed awake at night wondering if there was a Dog.

A woman walked into the kitchen and asked her husband what he was doing.

With fly swat in hand he said, "I'm killing flies."

To which she responded, "Having any luck?"

"Yes", he said, "Three females and two males."

Inquiringly, the wife asks, "How can you tell?"

The husband replies, "I killed three of them on the phone and the other two on beer cans."

A grasshopper walks into a bar.
The bartender says to him, "Hey- did you know that we have a drink named after you?"
Grasshopper: "No waaaay! Really?? You guys have a drink named Steve?


__________________


A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome'sTiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.
Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he even spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"
He said: "Who 'effed up your hair?"

What do you get if you cross Viagra and Rogaine?


Don King Hair!