Well, I'm getting very close to the breaking point. To be honest, I don't even know how to feel (as a fan) anymore. On one hand, I'm hopeful... maybe the Rog will do something that actually makes sense. Hand down a 4-6 game suspension under the premise that a threshold has already been met for detrimental conduct, and that further suspension may be handed down at the conclusion of the court cases.

What I can't do is reckon my feelings of guilt for even feeling that way, as I feel that Watson's actions are more egregious than that decision would rectify. As a fan, my heart is nearly broken. Like others, I've rooted my whole life; and finally thought we were finishing this long journey to prominence -- a chance for a championship. This team doesn't belong to a greedy billionaire, it isn't the property of a QB who just arrived in the offseason, or even the longest tenured veteran on the roster. It belongs to the fans that have spent a lifetime rooting, usually against all odds.

It's a sick feeling. A pit in my stomach.


How did we get here?

Was Baker an adult? I don't know. I think he "dictated" a bit too much last year and had the "political capital" to do so, to a certain extent, because of his (and the team's) performance the year before. Also, as I've said before, the "gods" were cruel enough to keep us in the hunt so that the only argument seemed to be "who gives us the best chance this Sunday". Still, I can easily imagine the difference between Stefanski, a coach that wants to work through consensus, that wants a players input, that wants peace and cohesion; and someone like Tomlin, who would stare into space with a stoic look and a stern jaw and utter three words as his decision. Two different worlds.

So Baker's performance (if not antics) leads to looking into the Watson situation. At who's direction though? That's not Berry and Berry alone. He's not even entertaining the idea without the consent of Haslam -- no how, no way.

Somewhere along that "five-month saga", Haslam became empowered to "win at all costs"... that mindset went into overload when Baker penned his goodbye message. Left with the window falling closed, he pushed all the chips into the center of the table.

I respected that because I believed in their "due diligence". I tried to reason within my own mind that accelerating "the plan" at this point was the right thing to do. I was shocked at the price tag though. I still have a hard time believing that Berry and DePodesta would be 100% on-board with this decision. There is no way in hell that they were tugging Haslam along though. DePodesta's mantra and definition of analytics is "having sure frameworks to make decisions under uncertainty". There was way too much uncertainty (and absolutely no surety), in selling the farm for Watson, for anyone bent on flow-chart analytics to think this was a prudent decision. Sure, they played along because they knew the boss was hell-bent on making it all happen, but you'll never convince me this was his (their) idea. This was all Jimmy Haslam.

I've defended him since he took over the team, through thick and thin. I felt validated the day he pulled the trigger on cashing in -- and traded Sashi for John Dorsey. But once again, his haste, his lack of patience, has led us to a place where upside seems like a pipe dream and downside is back into the pit of irrelevance and laughing stock. It makes me want to throw up.


Watson's choices, and how they pertain to "us", have narrowed moving forward. If he doesn't bust his butt to settle these cases I feel that we are, in a word, "screwed". There will be a whole new landscape of things that analytics never accounted for. His distance from the team and FO as the story reveals more lurid details, his dishonesty playing out while they disagree on what he should do. The magnifying glass getting bigger and bigger as tension builds among the ranks, from coaches all the way up to the top. Finger-pointing by the media and fans, finger-pointing within the org... It will all end badly...


Worst case scenario:

Berry will not be fired -- he will resign. He's better than this and won't submit to being the "fall guy". Haslam will clean house after a subpar season and reassemble a cast of "yes men" so he can continue to fuel his fire of control. Veterans won't want to come here to be the brunt of the latest jokes, draft choices will come from second-tier talent. Another big mess.


Best case scenario:

Watson humbles himself and starts writing checks, the media fire begins to smolder, the Browns "battle" in his absence as we watch him re-invent himself off the field. He offers earnest apologies and admits he has a serious problem. There's a chance that this could result in (only lol) one lost season. Many will find it in their heart to root for a second chance.

Unfortunately, I don't see this playing out. I hate to judge and I don't walk in his shoes or know his heart, but the demeanor is troubling to me. I feel like he is so deep in his lies that he won't cross that line and admit any guilt. Worst case of "DeShaun Watson -- the person" is pathological, sociopathic, sexual predator. I'm not saying that's who he is, I'm saying that's who he may be.


In the end, for me, this is all still tainted. I doubt anything will ever truly take the "brown and orange" out of my blood; but even the "best case", even this resulting in a championship, will likely not be as satisfying as it should. I've already drawn one line, I gave up my season tickets. It was hard to do but I was firmly in the the camp of not paying for something that tilts my moral compass (think what you want, I'm not trying to virtue signal, I've just adopted that "not with my dollar" attitude more and more over time).

It reminds me of the Cavs when LeBron came back, the goodbye letters from all the players that had busted their buns, for a "superteam" -- it almost felt like cheating. In the end, a banner washed all that "sin" away. Maybe the same can be true with the Browns, but anything less will be devastating... and even that will feel dirty.

The spirit of "sport" has become so polluted with outside noise, cheating, super teams, dirty deals, dirty players, billionaires playing puppet-master; nearly all of the sanctity is gone. I love sport for those special moments and sharing them with the people I love. I love being the underdog... this story was shaping up quite nicely for the long arduous journey to pay off with the ultimate reward... void of guilt and shame.

This latest road began for me, in earnest, watching Baker Mayfield light-up the Jets; and my son -- standing in a sea of downtrodden Browns fans, a voice in the roar of the crowd, screaming "folks, I think we finally have a quarterback!". It hasn't ended yet, but what keeps going through my head is the text from another son (I was driving home from Fort Wayne and knew nothing of the Watson signing), "I don't know whether to be excited or utterly terrified".

Once again, a script that couldn't be penned in Hollywood becomes our beloved Cleveland Browns.