Kamala Harris Assures Public No One Has Given Her Single Classified Document

WASHINGTON—Stressing that there was a “zero-percent chance” she had mishandled sensitive information, Vice President Kamala Harris assured the American public Friday that no one had given her a single classified document. “Not to look at, not even to hold—frankly, I couldn’t even tell you where they’re kept,” said Harris, who held a press conference to announce that even if she had had access to classified government documents, she wouldn’t dream in a million years of taking her work home with her, and that most of the binders in her office were empty anyway.

“Please take comfort when I say I have no security clearance, on any level. My key fob doesn’t even work most days, and I have to text someone on my staff to come let me in. Yesterday, I stood outside the White House in the cold for 15 minutes before anyone came to get me.” At press time, Harris admitted that she had once taken home a roll of paper towels.

https://www.theonion.com/kamala-harris-assures-public-no-one-has-given-her-singl-1849986487