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Declining Student Resilience: A Serious Problem for Colleges College personnel everywhere are struggling with students' increased neediness. A year ago I received an invitation from the head of Counseling Services at a major university to join faculty and administrators for discussions about how to deal with the decline in resilience among students. At the first meeting, we learned that emergency calls to Counseling had more than doubled over the past five years. Students are increasingly seeking help for, and apparently having emotional crises over, problems of everyday life. Recent examples mentioned included a student who felt traumatized because her roommate had called her a “bitch” and two students who had sought counseling because they had seen a mouse in their off-campus apartment. The latter two also called the police, who kindly arrived and set a mousetrap for them. Faculty at the meetings noted that students’ emotional fragility has become a serious problem when it comes to grading. Some said they had grown afraid to give low grades for poor performance, because of the subsequent emotional crises they would have to deal with in their offices. Many students, they said, now view a C, or sometimes even a B, as failure, and they interpret such “failure” as the end of the world. Faculty also noted an increased tendency for students to blame them (the faculty) for low grades—they weren’t explicit enough in telling the students just what the test would cover or just what would distinguish a good paper from a bad one. They described an increased tendency to see a poor grade as reason to complain rather than as reason to study more, or more effectively. Much of the discussions had to do with the amount of handholding faculty should do versus the degree to which the response should be something like, “Buck up, this is college.” Does the first response simply play into and perpetuate students’ neediness and unwillingness to take responsibility? Does the second response create the possibility of serious emotional breakdown, or, who knows, maybe even suicide? Two weeks ago, that head of Counseling sent us all a follow-up email, announcing a new set of meetings. His email included this sobering paragraph: “I have done a considerable amount of reading and research in recent months on the topic of resilience in college students. Our students are no different from what is being reported across the country on the state of late adolescence/early adulthood. There has been an increase in diagnosable mental health problems, but there has also been a decrease in the ability of many young people to manage the everyday bumps in the road of life. Whether we want it or not, these students are bringing their struggles to their teachers and others on campus who deal with students on a day-to-day basis. The lack of resilience is interfering with the academic mission of the University and is thwarting the emotional and personal development of students.” He also sent us a summary of themes that emerged in the series of meetings, which included the following bullets: -Less resilient and needy students have shaped the landscape for faculty in that they are expected to do more handholding, lower their academic standards, and not challenge students too much. -There is a sense of helplessness among the faculty. Many faculty members expressed their frustration with the current situation. There were few ideas about what we could do as an institution to address the issue. -Students are afraid to fail; they do not take risks; they need to be certain about things. For many of them, failure is seen as catastrophic and unacceptable. External measures of success are more important than learning and autonomous development. -Faculty, particularly young faculty members, feel pressured to accede to student wishes lest they get low teacher ratings from their students. Students email about trivial things and expect prompt replies. -Failure and struggle need to be normalized. Students are very uncomfortable in not being right. They want to re-do papers to undo their earlier mistakes. We have to normalize being wrong and learning from one’s errors. -Faculty members, individually and as a group, are conflicted about how much “handholding” they should be doing. -Growth is achieved by striking the right balance between support and challenge. We need to reset the balance point. We have become a “helicopter institution.” “Families often expect campuses to provide immediate, sophisticated, and sustained mental-health care. After all, most parents are still adjusting to the idea that their children no longer come home every night, and many want colleges to keep an eye on their kids, just as they did. Students, too, want colleges to give them the help they need, when they need it. And they need a lot. Rates of anxiety and depression among American college students have soared in the last decade, and many more students than in the past come to campus already on medication for such illnesses. The number of students with suicidal thoughts has risen as well. Some are dealing with serious issues, such as psychosis, which typically presents itself in young adulthood, just when students are going off to college. Many others, though, are struggling with what campus counselors say are the usual stresses of college life: bad grades, breakups, being on their own for the first time. And they are putting a strain on counseling centers.” “[Students] haven’t developed skills in how to soothe themselves, because their parents have solved all their problems and removed the obstacles. They don’t seem to have as much grit as previous generations.” https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fre...roblem-colleges
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We should probably just start handing out participation diplomas.
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Just wait until they get out in the real world and find out they don't get to start out at the CEO level.
We don't have to agree with each other, to respect each others opinion.
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Just wait until they get out in the real world and find out they don't get to start out at the CEO level.
Many of us have been saying this stuff for years now. Nice to see Science finally catching up to us great thinkers.
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it just shows that coddling your kids and sheltering them from adversity and sometimes failure doesn't work. Its one reason I despise zero tolerance policies in public schools. School should be a place you can make a mistake or two and learn from it (barring violent behavior that is not in self defense).
This year I will be taking my daughters how are 8 and 6 out for our fall survival training. You can can know for certain my daughters will face controlled hardships and be made to overcome them because life is TOUGH and unfair so they need to learn to deal with that instead of collapsing and giving up at the first sign of trouble.
You can't fix stupid but you can destroy ignorance. When you destroy ignorance you remove the justifications for evil. If you want to destroy evil then educate our people. Hate is a tool of the stupid to deal with what they can't understand.
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I've seen a change in my private studio over the past 15 years or so. These young folks are ready to bail on a project at the very first sign of adversity. Problems that my 80's students worked their way through grind these kids to an absolute halt.
They possess fewer problem-solving resources than previous generations of students. They want ME to give them the answers, instead of taking my prompts and reaching their own conclusions. Derious students from the past easily put in 1-2 hours of dedicated practicing a day. I'm lucky if I can get these kids to put in an hour every 2-3 days.
They want instant success... and they want me to give them shortcuts. It just makes me smile- and shake my head sadly.
_______________________________
True story:
A student who just graduated last Spring and is now at tOSU was taking a lesson about 2-3 years ago. Bright kid, in a bookish sort of way. NO common sense or foundational awareness in the realities of high-level music-making. Comes to me and asks if he could learn the first movement of the Dvorak (pronounced D'vor-Jaques) cello concerto. He loved the piece. Problem was, his skill set would only allow him to scratch out sounds like a cat in a Cuisinart, if he played that thing. For a picture: imagine a 10th grade JV quarterback convinced that he could play straight-up against Aaron Rogers. THAT'S how far from ready he was.
"Here's the deal, K" I told him. "I'll teach this to you in your senior year if you meet these criteria:
1. No less than 2 hours practice per day. 1 hour on scales & etudes ( teaching pieces that focus on specific technique), one hour on solo repertoire. Don't be missin' no days, son. I will know. And I will know HOW MANY days you missed within the first 3 minutes of your lesson, just from the way you play.
2. You'll learn these 5 pieces (graded in difficulty) to completion before you'll ever lay eyes on the Dvorak. Completion means not just learned, but memorized- every bowing, every fingering, every volume change, every tempo change.
3. Each time you get a new piece, you'll research the composer, the work, its place in the composer's canon, its historical significance in the solo cello repertoire, and cite notable famous performers and recordings in a research paper no fewer than 5 pages long. Footnotes, citations- all of it- and I can smell Wikipedia a mile off."
K: "Seriously?"
Me: "Did I sound like I was joking?"
K: "But- WHY?"
M: "Because the Dvorak is for serious musicians only; it's not a toy to be played around with by cello-playing 'hobbyists.' It's exactly the protocol I had to follow before I got to work on The D. From the time I entered 8th grade 'til I graduated from hs, I never practiced less than 2 hours a day... and I only missed 14 days per year, when we took our annual family vacation. After 10th grade, when I became really serious, the cello went with us- and I'd practice outside the camper. I even practiced on Christmas Day."
K: "That's insane!!!"
M: "No... that's what it took to be the best I could be. That's what I had to do to get full-ride scholarships at 3 of the 5 colleges I applied to. 'Insane' is approaching music like you do, and thinking that the Dvorak is attainable with your current skill set. Now THAT- is truly crazy. Kid- you meet these conditions by the time you finish your junior year, and The D will be your senior project."
K: How old were you when you learned The D, Mr. C?"
M: "16. It was my sophomore project."
K: "Damn."
M: "Yup."
One of the cruelest things a parent can do is coddle their children with relaxed, nebulous standards and continuous praise for mediocre performance. It sets them up for a lifetime of victimhood by circumstances that simply require some stamina, backbone, and a will to overcome. Normal everyday life stuff.
Being a supportive parent doesn't mean lavishing praise 24/7. Their 'self-esteem' (ugh-) is more deeply enhanced by the knowledge that they overcame a challenge with resilience and competence than all the hollow praise in the world could ever provide. Sometimes, it's giving encouragement when times are tough without jumping in to eliminate the challenge for the child. Sometimes, it's having a sympathetic ear when the kid places 8th in Youth Orchestra, then motivating the kid to lock his game down better in preparation for next year's auditions. Sometimes it means actually backing the teacher when the kid screws up.
Oh, and my student? Never learned the Dvorak with me. He played through 3 of the 5 pieces, but each one took him too long to master. When he asked me why, I had the sad responsibility of telling him that he frittered away too many hours of his 'opportunity window' with bad practice habits, low standards, and lack of direction. He then lamented that he didn't come to my studio when he was 12, instead of waiting until he was almost out of 9th grade.
K: Wow. So much time wasted."
M: "Yes- and no. Yes- because you fought me for a year before getting on board with my teaching. No- because you finally DID get on board- and it made you a better cellist than if you hadn't."
K: "I'm really going to miss seeing you every week, Mr. C"
M: Nah- you'll forget about me within 2 months after you get to Columbus.
K: No. I won't. You're the first person who ever tried to teach me how to think for myself. You were right.... I've always been a 'good little test-taker,' but I'm not ready to be in the world. I'm really scared, man."
M: "Good. A healthy fear shows that you now understand how serious this all is- and that's the first step. Something to keep in mind, K: now that Life is your teacher, ALL your tests will be pop quizzes. You won't have time to study before the test lands in your lap. And you'll screw some of them up. You'll never be 'studied up' for the next test, but you'll get better at handling them when they arrive. It's called experience."
K: "I wish we'd met sooner."
M: "The best cure for those regrets- is to stay friends going into the future. Good luck, kid."
The only thing more satisfying than an appreciative hug from a grateful student is hugs from family. There really were two sets of wet cheeks on that last day. He loves and respects me because I held him to standards, and wouldn't let him cheat himself of the best future he could make for himself.
I'm really hard on My Kids. Because they deserve it.
Clem
"too many notes, not enough music-"
#GMStong
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Clem,
As a guy who never quite mastered the Shoe Horn, I struggled with your post a bit but I got it.
Respect.
Last edited by 40YEARSWAITING; 10/12/15 09:41 PM.
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you can thank the past generations for that.
“To announce that there must be no criticism of the President, or that we are to stand by the President, right or wrong, is not only unpatriotic and servile, but is morally treasonable to the American public.”
- Theodore Roosevelt
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Your post was easy to understand, It is always someone else who is at fault. Zero self responsibility.
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yet another hypocritical statement from you.
you're quick to blame parents for everything else. but not this, right?
who do you think taught this generation to be like this? remember, you guys were the ones making sure we was into technology because it was the future, you guys were the ones who held our hands through everything.
and now you're pissed that these new kids are FOLLOWING what YOUR generation taught us?
how bout you take some responsibility.
“To announce that there must be no criticism of the President, or that we are to stand by the President, right or wrong, is not only unpatriotic and servile, but is morally treasonable to the American public.”
- Theodore Roosevelt
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no child left behind act. 2001.
and now you guys are all scratching your head as to why the chickens have come home to roost.
“To announce that there must be no criticism of the President, or that we are to stand by the President, right or wrong, is not only unpatriotic and servile, but is morally treasonable to the American public.”
- Theodore Roosevelt
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yet another hypocritical statement from you.
you're quick to blame parents for everything else. but not this, right?
who do you think taught this generation to be like this? remember, you guys were the ones making sure we was into technology because it was the future, you guys were the ones who held our hands through everything.
and now you're pissed that these new kids are FOLLOWING what YOUR generation taught us?
how bout you take some responsibility. I know you have trouble handling the TRUTH but here it is anyway... As a child, your parents are responsible for everything you do and how you behave and how you carry yourself in public. When you hit 18, it is all on you for the rest of your life. Own it.
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that's dumb. so parenting, teaching stops at 18?
so if i'm suppose to learn everything and know everything at 18, then why do we have drill sgt's in the military?
at 18, i'm suppose to know everything and be a perfect soldier, right?
you should be perfect at building at house at 18, right?
you should be designing software at 18, right?
you should be perfect with money, and instantly find the perfect mate and start a family at 18, right?
pfftt...
“To announce that there must be no criticism of the President, or that we are to stand by the President, right or wrong, is not only unpatriotic and servile, but is morally treasonable to the American public.”
- Theodore Roosevelt
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racism is taught, right?
so why are people still racist at 18 and beyond? thats the magic number, right? so after growing up hating <insert group>, magically one should just change their core beliefs and values, right?
“To announce that there must be no criticism of the President, or that we are to stand by the President, right or wrong, is not only unpatriotic and servile, but is morally treasonable to the American public.”
- Theodore Roosevelt
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Your post was easy to understand, It is always someone else who is at fault. Zero self responsibility. Can't think of a generation that doesn't blame other generations for this countries mess.
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Stop it, you two (Swish & 40). Do I need to make both you boys go out back- and 'cut me a switch?' [age/cultural reference] You're both smart enough to realize that the two are not mutually exclusive, and your 'absolutes' are both selective slices of The Truth. Parents ARE responsible for their kids, but they are also responsible TO their kids. It's the price attached to having them. My Momz-In-Law: "A parent's biggest responsibility is not to show them unconditional love and acceptance. That's a bunch of feel-good nonsense you get to attach once the real work has been done. A parent's #1 responsibility is to raise a responsible adult." Swish is right: a whole lotta parents did some really stupid things when they had their kids at home. Lots of those kids are now struggling with adulthood, because they entered the world with under-developed coping skills. And 40 is right: As an adult, if you find yourself failing repeatedly, it's your responsibility to find those people or resources that can help you make better life choices. If your parents set you up to fail by raising you in the 'trend of that generation,' it's OK to blame them... but you still gotta live; you still gotta eat. It's still on you. Man, I love both you brothers... but sometimes, I just wanna conk your heads together, 3 Stooges-style. 
"too many notes, not enough music-"
#GMStong
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Declining Student Resilience: A Serious Problem for Colleges
They don’t seem to have as much grit as previous generations.”
a few rambling thoughts on this...it is oddly written - imho - and could have been in just about any decade over the past 500 years... I think the article is taking a stab at a specific group of kids in college - I'd bet the ones who were raised with money and means and who's parents are paying for their ride....and that has always been the case - a slightly narcissistic personality. I assume you won't find this mentality for the person working their way through college...you won't find this on someone who earned an academic or athletic scholarship. The last line has been stated for just about every generation that has existed ... you know the drill..."when I was your age we didn't [fill in the blank]  I found this line kind of funny though... -There is a sense of helplessness among the faculty. Many faculty members expressed their frustration with the current situation. There were few ideas about what we could do as an institution to address the issue. Are they serious? Anyway - what do I know?
"Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness." [Mark Twain]
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I just finished college a year ago and frankly I don't understand this baby mentality. It kind of makes me sick. For me felt like I earned every damn bit of my degree. In general I think college teaches you that no matter how daunting or challenging a task\shore is, you can succeed. Also one of the central things you go through is figuring out tough things by yourself. I think it also depends on what type of major you study and how strong willed you are. Particular majors can have some room for mistakes, be it an assignment or what not, whereas others such as engineering\comp sci. pretty much demand perfection or something close to it. Oh, and of course the best part is, once you move to the real world and there's a mistake of some kind, its not just a deduction of points but a loss of money or customer satisfaction.
Find what you love and let it kill you.
-Charles Bukowski
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racism is taught, right?
so why are people still racist at 18 and beyond? thats the magic number, right? so after growing up hating <insert group>, magically one should just change their core beliefs and values, right?
anthropologically speaking yes we are born racists, bigots, and haters. Babies are naturally attracted to what is most similar to their mom and dad's appearance. They naturally cry when weird or strange things pop into view. They hate what they don't love very easily. Getting a 4 year old who hates the color green to like eating green things can be almost impossible. When kids hit puberty wanting sex is all they can think about once they become aware of it. Becoming a human being greater than the animal instincts we are born with is what being human is all about. Being a decent human being takes a LOT of hard work and will power. Too many people are just less than human and more like animals.
You can't fix stupid but you can destroy ignorance. When you destroy ignorance you remove the justifications for evil. If you want to destroy evil then educate our people. Hate is a tool of the stupid to deal with what they can't understand.
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sorry bro i'm just sick of this crap.
i'm sick of the hypocrites. they wanna say my generation takes no responsibility, while at the same time taking none of it, themselves.
people wanna knock my generation for being progressive, caring about the environment regardless of the cost, and showing sympathy to all cultures even though the past generations are the ones that preached it to us.
so if people wanna do all this downgrading, name calling, and blatant disrespect for my generation, then i have every right to call the past generations out as idiots.
War on drugs, patriot act, no child left behind act, all the wars, i can go on and on.
tired of older people wanting to act all high and mighty, knowing damn well they raised us to be this way.
so yea i'm biased. cause when you talk about this generation, you're talking about me.
Last edited by Swish; 10/12/15 10:30 PM.
“To announce that there must be no criticism of the President, or that we are to stand by the President, right or wrong, is not only unpatriotic and servile, but is morally treasonable to the American public.”
- Theodore Roosevelt
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Hmm...
A university education rests as one of the few equalizers in this country. I know from experience.
My freshman year started back in 2008. Rocket goes in as a young kid, fresh out of high school, and never dealt with a worry of academic failure in his entire life. Little does he realize how tough, along with not his strength, mechanical engineering would end up.
My natural strengths always came through writing, helping others understand homework, and just working with people. I did well in math and science, but I needed the right teacher for it to click with me. A harsh reality hit my freshman year at Toledo; college profs in the sciences don't worry too much about actual teaching.
Many hours were spent in the computer lab doing CAD assignments, struggling to understand integrals (deriving was a piece of cake), and making sense of statics. From there, after a little "internship" in Walt Disney World, I learned engineering just didn't work for me. Could I have studied harder? I'm not sure...I think spending four hours a night on Calc II, and not making any progress taught me enough about how I do with math.
Two things could've happened here: 1. Rocket drops out of college, and blames his problems on everyone else and wallows in self-pity. 2. Rocket decides to switch up his plans, and go down another route.
I chose, to paraphrase Robert Frost, "the road less taken...that has made all the difference". I launched myself into my new major of education, immersed myself in every facet of my new major, graduated Magna Cum Laude (turned a 2.3 GPA into a 3.6 in a span of three years), and received glowing reviews with all my student teaching experiences.
I came across many students during my college years like the article mentions. I didn't have time to complain after switching majors. I did have classmates who thought it was terrible that our one prof took off massive points for being late to a teaching foundations class. Many of those students dropped out of the education program.
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Is technology man, simple as that. I'm 37, so I've been right in the middle of the internet and technological revolution. Yes there is greater access to information, but the trade off is that 1) you no longer actually have to learn anything and 2) you no longer have to actually figure anything out because somebody already did. Just Google it. Anybody ever play trivia at the bar BEFORE smart phones? You actually had to know and retain information. When everything you want to know is easily accessible, the 'journey' of learning never takes place. Without that journey, you never experience adversity, and without adversity you never learn effective problem solving. You guys think this is just about college students? Please, its every where. 40% of my job as a cop is being called by people who don't know how to handle simple things in life. I can't tell you how many people who break down on the highway, call 911, and when I get there don't know that they need to call a tow truck. I've been called to more than one domestic situation where one person is upset with the other because an ex posted something on their facebook page. I could go on but it just makes my head hurt 
"Hey, I'm a reasonable guy. But I've just experienced some very unreasonable things."
-Jack Burton
-It looks like the Harvard Boys know what they are doing after all.
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Nah, there's a lack of critical thinking. Technology isn't a huge reason.
The lack of critical thinking is driven by our "stats game" in the upper echelon of education policy making. Idiots in Washington, with barely any of them knowing what education is, get obsessed with numbers on tests that fail to measure critical thinking.
Critical thinking involves more than just bubbling in an answer. Critical thinking teaches and instills resilience.
But, let's get back to blaming teachers for all the problems in the world.
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Shots fired!
Anyway, I can't condone the behavior listed in the OP. However, I will say that while my generation is coddled, it also wants to coddle the generation after us. After all, it was our parents who said, 'leave it better for the next generation.' I can't fault us for listening.
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jc Every generation gets their time in the sun as being lazy and/or irresponsible. Gen Xer's got it almost as bad as millenials in that one. And how about baby boomers as compared to the greatest generation? Don't take it too personally Swish if folks like 40 look smugly at the younger generation. I don't. He is playing into a cute little cycle we've read about time and time before. Old fogeys like Plato railed against the youth of his day. The Romans and Victorians and even the Puritans felt the next generation would end to the destruction of their way of life and societies. We label Millenials as just being rooted in their phones, yet I see more adults rooted on the book of faces than I do kids. We label Millenials as being lazy, but this generation graduated into the great recession and had to deal with double digit unemployment around the time it was entering the workforce. We label millennials as entitled, yet many elder Americans receive more social security dollars than they put into the system when they were working. And when Millenials are older and starting to retire, they will complain about whoever follows them as well
#gmstrong
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Unfortunately, a lot of the posts on this thread sound right to me.
I hope you're right gage.
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How many quit because they realized there would be only a few jobs and they'd spend half their lives paying for a diploma that would earn nothing.
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They possess fewer problem-solving resources than previous generations of students. They want ME to give them the answers, instead of taking my prompts and reaching their own conclusions. This is so true. A good friend of mine is a nursing instructor at UT. She had a student upset at her because she wouldn't review the test questions with him before the test.
And into the forest I go, to lose my mind and find my soul.
- John Muir
#GMSTRONG
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Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 27,605
Legend
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Legend
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 27,605 |
Old fogeys like Plato railed against the youth of his day Plato.... Why that young punk just sat around thinking up thinking, wasting his life and his time. That little SOB should have been out working instead, and did you see the clothes he was wearing? For sure and for certain they came right from the devil himself.
I AM ALWAYS RIGHT... except when I am wrong.
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Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 27,605
Legend
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Legend
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 27,605 |
Proverbs 29:15
A rod and a reprimand impart wisdom, but a child left undisciplined disgraces its mother.
I AM ALWAYS RIGHT... except when I am wrong.
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Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 5,991
Hall of Famer
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I think it all comes down to the word, 'fair'. We currently have an administration trying to make everything fair. We've had parents change the rules and scoring in games to make things fair. Grading systems in school have been changed to make things fair.
When one of my kids first said to me, "That's not fair," I was quick to reply, "Life ain't fair."
Life takes hard work, perseverance, and more hard work for most of us to get comfortable in life, and it's not fair. On the other hand, if everything was fair, we'd all be grey little commies being paid the same amount by the government.
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Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 15,015
Legend
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Legend
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 15,015 |
I've seen a change in my private studio over the past 15 years or so. These young folks are ready to bail on a project at the very first sign of adversity. Problems that my 80's students worked their way through grind these kids to an absolute halt.
They possess fewer problem-solving resources than previous generations of students. They want ME to give them the answers, instead of taking my prompts and reaching their own conclusions. Derious students from the past easily put in 1-2 hours of dedicated practicing a day. I'm lucky if I can get these kids to put in an hour every 2-3 days.
They want instant success... and they want me to give them shortcuts. It just makes me smile- and shake my head sadly.
_______________________________
True story:
A student who just graduated last Spring and is now at tOSU was taking a lesson about 2-3 years ago. Bright kid, in a bookish sort of way. NO common sense or foundational awareness in the realities of high-level music-making. Comes to me and asks if he could learn the first movement of the Dvorak (pronounced D'vor-Jaques) cello concerto. He loved the piece. Problem was, his skill set would only allow him to scratch out sounds like a cat in a Cuisinart, if he played that thing. For a picture: imagine a 10th grade JV quarterback convinced that he could play straight-up against Aaron Rogers. THAT'S how far from ready he was.
"Here's the deal, K" I told him. "I'll teach this to you in your senior year if you meet these criteria:
1. No less than 2 hours practice per day. 1 hour on scales & etudes ( teaching pieces that focus on specific technique), one hour on solo repertoire. Don't be missin' no days, son. I will know. And I will know HOW MANY days you missed within the first 3 minutes of your lesson, just from the way you play.
2. You'll learn these 5 pieces (graded in difficulty) to completion before you'll ever lay eyes on the Dvorak. Completion means not just learned, but memorized- every bowing, every fingering, every volume change, every tempo change.
3. Each time you get a new piece, you'll research the composer, the work, its place in the composer's canon, its historical significance in the solo cello repertoire, and cite notable famous performers and recordings in a research paper no fewer than 5 pages long. Footnotes, citations- all of it- and I can smell Wikipedia a mile off."
K: "Seriously?"
Me: "Did I sound like I was joking?"
K: "But- WHY?"
M: "Because the Dvorak is for serious musicians only; it's not a toy to be played around with by cello-playing 'hobbyists.' It's exactly the protocol I had to follow before I got to work on The D. From the time I entered 8th grade 'til I graduated from hs, I never practiced less than 2 hours a day... and I only missed 14 days per year, when we took our annual family vacation. After 10th grade, when I became really serious, the cello went with us- and I'd practice outside the camper. I even practiced on Christmas Day."
K: "That's insane!!!"
M: "No... that's what it took to be the best I could be. That's what I had to do to get full-ride scholarships at 3 of the 5 colleges I applied to. 'Insane' is approaching music like you do, and thinking that the Dvorak is attainable with your current skill set. Now THAT- is truly crazy. Kid- you meet these conditions by the time you finish your junior year, and The D will be your senior project."
K: How old were you when you learned The D, Mr. C?"
M: "16. It was my sophomore project."
K: "Damn."
M: "Yup."
One of the cruelest things a parent can do is coddle their children with relaxed, nebulous standards and continuous praise for mediocre performance. It sets them up for a lifetime of victimhood by circumstances that simply require some stamina, backbone, and a will to overcome. Normal everyday life stuff.
Being a supportive parent doesn't mean lavishing praise 24/7. Their 'self-esteem' (ugh-) is more deeply enhanced by the knowledge that they overcame a challenge with resilience and competence than all the hollow praise in the world could ever provide. Sometimes, it's giving encouragement when times are tough without jumping in to eliminate the challenge for the child. Sometimes, it's having a sympathetic ear when the kid places 8th in Youth Orchestra, then motivating the kid to lock his game down better in preparation for next year's auditions. Sometimes it means actually backing the teacher when the kid screws up.
Oh, and my student? Never learned the Dvorak with me. He played through 3 of the 5 pieces, but each one took him too long to master. When he asked me why, I had the sad responsibility of telling him that he frittered away too many hours of his 'opportunity window' with bad practice habits, low standards, and lack of direction. He then lamented that he didn't come to my studio when he was 12, instead of waiting until he was almost out of 9th grade.
K: Wow. So much time wasted."
M: "Yes- and no. Yes- because you fought me for a year before getting on board with my teaching. No- because you finally DID get on board- and it made you a better cellist than if you hadn't."
K: "I'm really going to miss seeing you every week, Mr. C"
M: Nah- you'll forget about me within 2 months after you get to Columbus.
K: No. I won't. You're the first person who ever tried to teach me how to think for myself. You were right.... I've always been a 'good little test-taker,' but I'm not ready to be in the world. I'm really scared, man."
M: "Good. A healthy fear shows that you now understand how serious this all is- and that's the first step. Something to keep in mind, K: now that Life is your teacher, ALL your tests will be pop quizzes. You won't have time to study before the test lands in your lap. And you'll screw some of them up. You'll never be 'studied up' for the next test, but you'll get better at handling them when they arrive. It's called experience."
K: "I wish we'd met sooner."
M: "The best cure for those regrets- is to stay friends going into the future. Good luck, kid."
The only thing more satisfying than an appreciative hug from a grateful student is hugs from family. There really were two sets of wet cheeks on that last day. He loves and respects me because I held him to standards, and wouldn't let him cheat himself of the best future he could make for himself.
I'm really hard on My Kids. Because they deserve it.
Clem Clem, You should write a book. I could spend hours reading all your stories. Just awesome man.  Now, as far as common sense, it's funny because this happened yesterday, and I stood in amazement, unable to do anything as I was stunned. Background: I work for a building supply company as the IT manager, although my duties go much farther than that (25 years in the same company gets you that). I pretty much have freedom to work at my own pace, make up my own projects and wander the property at my leisure looking for way to make things more efficient, both through technology and through simple procedures. We have started getting very busy again, business is up 150% over last year, so we are hiring many new people, and obviously people who don't have much common sense. I wandered out to the yard yesterday, and as I was walking passed one of the warehouses I see one of the new guys on the forklift with a rack full of prehung doors. The rack is about 9' wide and 3' deep. He drives passed me and I say good morning, he smiles and heads for the ramp. I don't think much of it until I hear a loud boom. Look over and he hit the ramp railing. The ramp is just under 9' wide, the rack he has on the lift is 9'+. No biggie, he will drive around, put the rack on the dock then come back and drive up the ramp to get pick the rack up again right? Nope. He back up and tries again, then again, then again. I am stunned. He gets off the lift looks at the space and clearance, AND tries 1 more time. I finally yell over and explain the "Put it on the dock, then drive up and pick it up" I could not believe it took him 5 tries and still couldn't figure out the rack was wider than the space allowed. Not to mention you are supposed to avoid carrying loads up the ramp if at all possible. Even if he had made it up the ramp, he would never have made the 90 degree turn at the top.
We don't have to agree with each other, to respect each others opinion.
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Hall of Famer
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Maybe you should use the 'round hole/square peg' test as part of your hiring procedures.
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Joined: Mar 2013
Posts: 12,635
Legend
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Legend
Joined: Mar 2013
Posts: 12,635 |
Life takes hard work, perseverance, and more hard work for most of us to get comfortable in life, and it's not fair. On the other hand, if everything was fair, we'd all be grey little commies being paid the same amount by the government. But this day and age, with the newer generation and etc - they put more effort and work on trying to pawn onto others. Why would someone work when they can take advantage of many government programs to leech off others. Noone knows what it's like to "earn" or "work hard" anymore. Heck by the sounds of things, it won't be long before leechers get 100% of their college paid for.
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Hall of Famer
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That takes parenting. I've always let my kids know they'd have to work hard to get what they want. If you raise your kid to be a namby-pamby, 'that's not fair', whiney little putz, you'll have a worthless kid.
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Joined: Mar 2013
Posts: 12,635
Legend
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Legend
Joined: Mar 2013
Posts: 12,635 |
That takes parenting. I've always let my kids know they'd have to work hard to get what they want. If you raise your kid to be a namby-pamby, 'that's not fair', whiney little putz, you'll have a worthless kid. Agree 100%. I knew as a kid if I wanted something from my parents, I'm likely going to have a list of chores and etc to complete to get it. I know someone who's 30+ and his parents STILL give him an allowance check each week. IMO, just pathetic.
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Joined: Sep 2006
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Hall of Famer
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I tried the allowance thing for about 3 months. When the kids came for their paydays, I'd just check their rooms. I don't think I paid once, as rooms weren't clean.
My dad was a 20 year Senior Chief in the USN. If I needed shoes, he'd pay what a cheap pair of shoes cost him in the exchange. If I wanted a brand name, I had to come up with the rest of the money myself. When I was about 20, my parents bought me a rather nice VCR for Christmas. I asked for the receipt from him later that day. He thought I didn't like the VCR, and I had to tell him I was going to return it to get the Dolby stereo model, and thanks for paying the first half of it. I think he was rather proud of my actions.
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Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 1,391
Dawg Talker
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Dawg Talker
Joined: Sep 2007
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K: How old were you when you learned The D"
M: "16. It was my sophomore project."
That's what she said! Giggity.
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*In Baker we trust*
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Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 40,399
Legend
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Legend
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 40,399 |
That takes parenting. I've always let my kids know they'd have to work hard to get what they want. If you raise your kid to be a namby-pamby, 'that's not fair', whiney little putz, you'll have a worthless kid. I agree with you but there are many instances where you are parenting in an uphill battle against the rest of society. I've shared this before but when my son was in middle school and high school, I was on him daily about the need to get his work done, that deadlines meant something, etc. etc... yet he continued to slide. I took his phone, his x-box, grounded him for long periods of time, he missed entire sports seasons because of it. On the other end, the school was always giving him extensions, allowing him to turn work in late for partial credit, allowing him to retake test that he did poorly on. I beg, pleaded and fought with his teachers to STOP IT. Fail his sorry ass if that's what he deserves. I would have much rather he failed 8th grade than get to 19 and have no sense of responsibility... well now he's 19 with a minimal sense of responsibility because they just kept making it easier and easier for him to "get by".. while I was challenging him to actually excel.. and sometimes to excel, you have to taste failure and they refused to let it happen. So despite the fact that his mother and I both have a good work ethic, despite the fact that we both pushed him to achieve, despite the fact that we disciplined him hard when he slacked off, despite the fact that we have high expectations for him... .he just never got it and he still doesn't. Now I still have a 12 year old girl, and I beat myself up almost daily wondering what I have to do different to make sure this doesn't happen again... and for now, she seems to be on a much better path.. So I honestly don't know how much of my sons underachievement is on me, how much is on him, and how much is on the school and other people that had a lot of influence on him. So I feel this from both ends, parents need to do better. Perhaps I needed to do better... but when I was a kid, my parents and my teachers seemed to largely be on the same page as to what was expected of me... and it's not like that any more. There is plenty of blame to go around, some on the parents, some on the kids, some on the community around them... I feel very very bad for teachers, and I've talked to a lot of them along the way... they constantly complain about the poor behavior and the poor work habits of their kids but they are powerless to stop it, their hands are tied by an administration/school board that has minimal, at best, classroom experience and teacher training.... I think a lot of teachers could start to fix this if the bureaucrats and (in some cases the parents) would get out of the way and let them. I will say this, some of it is just "differences"... I know a fair number of 20something kids who are willing to work hard, but they want to do it on their own terms. They want to work from home, they want to have more flexibility in their schedule, they are willing to work for less money in order to have a better working atmosphere... So I'm not all doom and gloom, but the kids of today, most of them, they aren't getting out looking for a 60 hour a week job at a desk so they can make middle management by 30, they seem to have a much greater desire to actually enjoy life, which I think is a great thing.... but collectively, we need to find some kind of balance.
yebat' Putin
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