By Mike Polk Jr., special to The Plain Dealer contactmikepolk@gmail.com
Hey, DeShone! Welcome to Cleveland.
You don't know me, but I've lived in this town a long time, and I've seen a lot of quarterbacks come and go. A lot. And while I don't pretend to have much advice regarding your performance on the field, I do have some tips for you about the other stuff. This is based upon my years of watching young men like yourself take the helm of the Cleveland Browns offense and all the commotion that comes with it.
Party When It's Over
You're a very young man. Play well enough through your first "Miserly-by-NFL-standards" rookie contract, and you'll get "I-now-have-the-option-of-buying-an-island" money when you sign your second one. You could reasonably retire at 28 if you were so inclined. That still leaves you plenty of time to go clubbing before it gets sad. Make this sacrifice for yourself and us: Hold off on the partying for a bit, and you'll be glad that you did. If you require further confirmation please feel free to consult one Johnathan Manziel, who just last week tried out for the Hamilton Bearcats, currently in the CFL cellar at 0-8. They passed.
Say That You Like It Here
Please note that I did not say that you actually have to like it here, you just have to say that you do. We're insecure and skittish and not above being pandered to. Just tell us that you love us. The results will astound you.
Former fan favorite Josh Cribbs endeared himself to Cleveland on Twitter, and as a show of appreciation we fans bullied the Browns' front office into offering him an illogically handsome contract extension. It didn't work out because he was pretty much out of gas at that point, but it wasn't our money, so who cares?
Joe Haden went from being a consistent shutdown cornerback to a cornerback who was consistently shut down for the season. But he was beloved in this city, largely because he smiled a lot, wore lots of Cleveland F-shirts and spent almost as much time on the Q's Jumbotron during the Cavs season as he did on the disabled list during the Browns season. Take note.
Location, Location, Location
Don't live downtown. The best way to stay out of trouble and focus on your game is to banish yourself to the sanitized banality that is Cleveland suburban living. I'm not suggesting that you'd be looking for trouble living downtown, but trouble tends to happen there regardless.
Don't Get Caught Smiling During Losses
Just a heads up: you're going to be down late in the majority of the games this year. You need to remember that the TV cameras will continue to be focused on you while you're on the sidelines, long after the game has been decided. So even if you're not actually sad and angry about losing, it is VERY important that you give the illusion you're inconsolable.
Don't chat cordially with your teammates, don't smile, and most importantly DO NOT LAUGH. Otherwise the footage will be used against you in perpetuity to illustrate your lack of passion and professionalism. In fact, you could probably bolster your standing by flipping over the Gatorade table and punching the mascot in a display of anguished frustration. And when I say mascot, I mean the kid in the dog costume and not Chomps, the actual dog. Chomps has been through enough.
Marry Local
Don't date a Kardashian or any Kardashian-like TMZ-clickbait chick who is somehow considered a celebrity despite exhibiting no discernible talent or ability. It won't end well. Tristan has been able to glide through this Chloe thing unscathed thus far, and maybe that will end up being the exception that proves the rule, but then on the other hand it definitely won't be.
So don't ship in your arm-candy from New York or L.A. Your best bet is to shop local. Find yourself a nice, sturdy, down-to-earth girl from one of those blue-collar Cleveland burbs like Middleburg Heights or either Olmsted. They tend to have their heads on pretty straight. Plus they usually know how to do useful stuff like bake, jump a dead car battery, shoo a freeloading bat out of the attic or aggressively negotiate down your cable bill with the AT&T U-Verse call center. That's a life partner with upside.
Probably Pass On The Mr. Hero Spokesman Gig
Look, I love Mr. Hero as much as the next Clevelander, and I have both the physique and physical stamina to back up that claim. But let's face it, becoming the official Romanburger pitchman has a pretty rough track record for Cleveland athletes. Andy Varejao, and the Brians Hartline & Hoyer all succumbed to the Mr. Hero Curse and were shipped out of town before their waffle fries had a chance to get cold. Why risk it when there are so many dealerships on the Bedford Auto Mile who would be thrilled to have you hocking their Hyundais?
In Conclusion
We all want you to be successful, and we like what we've seen so far. You look green, but you're undeniably talented and you've got us feeling hopeful.
You're in a great situation because our expectations are so low. If you can get this team to a .500 season within the next few years, we'll throw a parade. And if you can manage to get this team to the playoffs at some point, you'll never pay for a drink or get a speeding ticket in this town again. Just show a lot of heart and a little humility and you'll be fine.
Oh, and as for the on-field stuff, just remember it's almost always better to throw it away than take the sack, and try to stay behind Joe Thomas.
Mike Polk Jr. is a Cleveland humorist who writes a column every other week for The Plain Dealer and for cleveland.com. Contact him on Twitter at @mikepolkjr.
webby linky
