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I need some advice. It is regarding my husband's litte sister, Sam. Sam is 16 years old and I am REALLY worried about her. She's a cutter and has a myspace page with a pic of her wearing her bra! Yes, I did say she was only 16 years old. Her mom and dad don't care that she has posted this pic of herself on the internet, even though I have shown my mother in law (total idiot!). Her response is always "Well, that's just her way of self expression" or "What am I going to do about it?" On her myspace page there are drug references and references to sex. That's not even the part that bothers me more than anything. The half naked pic of her and the fact that she put her location are what bothers me. My mother in law doesn't believe that sex predators are out there and that REAL kids get abducted by internet perverts.  She won't punish Sam because the last time she tried Sam gave her a black eye and ran away to our house. She also took a knife into school and got expelled a few years ago. The knife was going to be used in a fight. Of course my mother in law said "Oh, someone probably put that knife in Sam's backpack" and brought her home a new kitten.  I'm sorry I'm jumping around in this post but there are SO many things that her parents have failed at. Sam also has NO social skills and will tell anyone to f-off. Her grades are horrible (she's back in school after being expelled) and she is severely messed up mentally. My mother in law also refuses to take her to any kind of counseling because Sam already told her that she will tell the counselor what a horrible mother she is and what she does to her mentally. My mother in law is constantly telling her how stupid she is and how she won't amount to anything in life. I've told my mother in law that Sam is no longer welcome in my house around my 19 month old daughter and my mother in law thinks that I am overreacting. I'd LOVE LOVE LOVE for Sam to get thrown in jail. I know that sounds harsh but I really think it's the only thing that will help her to change her ways since her parents don't give a rat's behind about her. Sorry this is so long. I just don't know what (if anything) I should do. I've tried talking to my mother in law about Sam but she changes the subject or tells me that everything is fine. I know it isn't because Sam told me last year that if she could kill her mother, she would. Thanks for listening guys! Lisa
Last edited by Referee00; 07/19/07 06:58 PM.
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Wow, that's a tough one. The sad thing is that a lot of times, you can point out all the things wrong and you're completely right, but the person has to want to change themselves before anything truly happens. Often times, an event will cause them to change, and you just hope that it isn't anything bad.
I'm not sure what advice to give since I don't have any kids and I was never a teenager who acted like this. However, I have had students like this, and a lot of it is easily traceable to their home life. When a kid already has a penchant for acting this way, and the parents essentially aid & abet them, you're just asking for trouble.
It's almost like you have to wait it out and just keep your fingers crossed that nothing bad happens to her.
Sorry I couldn't be more help. Keep your chin up!
I am unfamiliar with this feeling of optimism
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Wow. I don't have any advice to give you, to be honest. Good luck though....
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Have you tried being a friend to her?
Take her shopping, to dinner, a movie, spend quality time with her and get to know her? Earn her trust and have talks about life with her without lecturing or telling her what she is doing wrong.
It's best to let them bring up the subject and then discuss people you know or your own personal experiences and how you learned from them. If you try to get "in your face" they tend to withdraw, but a casual approach will often get them to open up.
You said she ran away to your house, so she must at least feel comfortable around you and your husband.
it's worth a try. If you push too hard, then next time she runs, she won't come to your place, and there's no telling where she will end up.
Good luck.
We don't have to agree with each other, to respect each others opinion.
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Well, she needs help for sure. Sounds like she a little lost and doesn't have a care in the world for how her life turns out. The picture itself isn't horrible but the drug reference is bad (considering her age). And all the school stuff.
If the mom isn't going to do anything....you can try talking to her youself. If she blows you and your husband off, then keep your distance and pray she finds her way. Sometimes a person has to hit the bottom before they can see where they're headed.
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No real advice, Lisa...just best wishes that everything works out for all involved. 
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Seems like Mom dropped the ball and now the kid has to pay for it. Unless she gets a shot of self esteem she is likely in trouble for a long time to come. My whole family could fit the description of this poor kid and unfortunately they mostly have ended up right where you would have thought they would. Do what you can without putting your own family in harms way . Notify the authorities ?? Seems Mom in law may have a few skeletons she doesn't want brought out into the light ? IMO the kid doesn't need jail but more like a good shrink. Good luck.
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She must be into Goth, no? Cutting and doing drugs is a big gothic thing from what I've heard. No advice for you here...just hope things will start to head north.  Wish I could help more, but, I try to keep my distance from the Gothic kids at school because they can be a bit creepy at times. 
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P squared
Parenting Problem.
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I'm sorry, but she needs her ass beat...both mother and daugher!
That's the problem, she probably has never been disciplined, and she does need a good dosage of juvie to realize noone will put up with that.
Send her to my house for a week, I'll straighten her out!
"My country is the world, and my religion is to do good" Thomas Paine
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Two words ... Boot. Camp. 
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Sounds like the kids looking for attention from anybody she can get it from, probebly becuase she didnt get it form her parents, and the only way she could was to do something wrong,
No advice here, you have to do what you feel is right, Talk to her instead of preaching, poeple have been offering her advice on how screwed up her life is, maybe it's time to just treat her like a young adult, dont preach, but firmly let her know what the rules are and dont sway, talk to her about things, not her problems, give her attention when she does things right, not when she does things wrong,
I know your not doing this stuff your just wanting to help, but maybe instead of a another parent telling her how bad she is, maybe she just needs you to be a friend and talk to her about her good points.
Last edited by ClayM57; 07/18/07 03:52 PM.
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1st...
I must be OLD.... What is "cutting"?
I think it will just be a waiting game. I have known kids like this, that have turned things around and got their stuff together. I have also known kids like this, and I am sure they will never change, and unfortunately probably will not amount to anything in life. No matter how you shake it though, she has to want to change.
What does your husband/her brother have to say about the whole situation? Just be careful with how involved you actually get, you might get burned in the long run with your husband. Of course I don't know the whole situation, just saying.
[b]USNavyDawg (Ret.) ![[Linked Image from i87.photobucket.com]](http://i87.photobucket.com/albums/k155/brownsfan4173/NFL-Football.jpg)
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Quote:
What is "cutting"?
It's when someone uses a razor blade or some such thing to cut their wrists and other parts to make themselves bleed. It's sad and becoming more popular it seems.
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Bengal
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I don't know, girly.
All I know is sometimes if people come down on a girl too hard, it'll make her rebel more. Hopefully it is just a phase. She may just be doing it for attention. Maybe if everyone in the family just gave her a little more, let her know that she's loved.... It may help. It all depends on the type of person she really is inside.... you have to know that to know how to help her.
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This is just a phase, I assure you. Sex and drugs are part of growing up. As stubborn as she seems, she may have to learn a couple life lessons the hard way.
Her Myspace page just seems like a normal, angst filled teens page.
I tend to think that problem children are the product of problem parents. And I also think that most kids will figure it all out as they get older.
I wish to wash my Irish wristwatch......
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The thing that concerns me the most is the knife to school fight part. That part needs to be dealt and the sooner the better.
Good luck.
SaintDawg™
Football, baseball, basketball, wine, women, walleye
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1st String
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Thanks guys. Yes, I do believe it is most definitely a parenting problem. Sam was adopted at 18 months of age and then was viewed as a problem her entire life. She's had NO discipline at all when she was a baby. When she was 2 years old I was babysitting her and she acted out. I put her in timeout for 2 mins. and her mother told me that "Sam is too cute to discipline. We just let her do whatever." Well, now it's come back to bite them in the behind except now they don't CARE that she's a problem child.
On the rare occasions that Sam has been at my house she's been wonderful. She's done things for me around the house without being asked and has never once back talked me. I won't put up with her mouth but she knows she can tell her mother to go f herself and nothing will happen to her.
I'm done with her for now. I don't want her in my house or around my daughter. She's NEVER been allowed to babysit and I think that's a shame because she is my daughter's only aunt. My idiot mother in law is on her way over right now to drop off yet another stupid yard sale toy for my daughter. I'm going to show her the myspace page AGAIN and try to talk to her, although I'm sure she won't care either way. Sam could be naked on that page giving out her cell # and my MIL wouldn't care or do anthing.
Ugghh! I'm just so mad and fed up with my inlaws. Thanks for your responses.
Lisa
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Her myspace page is disturbing!
"My country is the world, and my religion is to do good" Thomas Paine
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You say your "inlaws" but you never mentioned your father-in-law. Is he in the picture? Are his views the same as your mother-in-laws? And as somebody else asked, where does your husband stand on the issue?
She sounds like she's right on the edge to me.. her entire life could go either way at this point.. I wish you the best but I think you are doing the right thing by protecting your own child from her... she sounds like a powder keg that could go at any moment.
yebat' Putin
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I see she's from PA. Is she s Stillers fan? Regardless, by the looks of her, and briefly attempting to read that drivel of a bio, I'd like to watch a youtube clip of her catching a nice rear-kicking.
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Does your husband interact with her at all?
"My country is the world, and my religion is to do good" Thomas Paine
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So sorry to hear this.
Is there any way you can have her move in with you?
Because it sound's like you are the only one who cares...sorry to be so harsh!...But maybe you can turn her around?
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Quote:
So sorry to hear this.
Is there any way you can have her move in with you?
Because it sound's like you are the only one who cares...sorry to be so harsh!...But maybe you can turn her around?
I'd never have her live with me now that I have my daughter. She has way too many druggie friends to count and she can't be trusted.
GO BUCKEYES! GO BROWNS!
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Quote:
You say your "inlaws" but you never mentioned your father-in-law. Is he in the picture? Are his views the same as your mother-in-laws? And as somebody else asked, where does your husband stand on the issue?
She sounds like she's right on the edge to me.. her entire life could go either way at this point.. I wish you the best but I think you are doing the right thing by protecting your own child from her... she sounds like a powder keg that could go at any moment.
My FIL and my MIL are divorced. He couldn't take her cheating on him with zillions of men. Anyways, she's remarried and her husband is just a big lazy couch potato who looks the other way when Sam gets into trouble. He doesn't care either. My husband knows that his sister is messed up but he says he can't really do anything either other than try to talk to his mom and to his sister. When he was little he said his mom used to beat the crap out of him on a daily basis and he was a GOOD kid! 
GO BUCKEYES! GO BROWNS!
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I work with teenage boys around that age that are referred through the juvenile court. That page doesn't alarm as much as it probably should, because I've seen so many like that in my time on the job. The good news, IMO, is in those tests that she took from various websites, defining her personalities. She seemed to know what to answer to get what results she wants, which means that it is unlikely to be a mental health issue, simply more of a fitting in issue. I'd object to the pic of her in a bra being posted, but some of the other photos made her appear to be more than presentable when she wants to be.
As for what to do, you may have done what you can for right now. I'm guessing it is simply a stage, as others have written. Be there for her, let her know that you'll talk to her about anything, at any time, and won't be running and telling her mother unless there is a situation that desperately requires it. It looks like she could use a steadying influence in her life, be that if you can. If not, I'd really recommend some type of mentoring service (Big Brothers, Big Sisters, etc.) to help her identify what image she wants to present of herself.
Again, by putting my five minutes and experience into it, I honestly don't think it is as bad as it looks on the surface, but there should be some minor steps taken to try and limit the future consequences. Frankly, I'm a little surprised at the knife thing not getting her a probation officer and some court-ordered counseling, since that is mandatory here, but I guess there are simply different standards from county to county and state to state.
[color:"green"] "World domination has encountered a momentary setback. Please talk amongst yourselves." Get Fuzzy[/color]
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Maybe she just need's someone other then familey to talk to? I did some time at OSU at child behavioral. If she is willing...I will talk to her. My e-mail is shotty66@cox.net
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Quote:
I see she's from PA. Is she s Stillers fan?
Actually she's a Browns fan because I made sure when she was little to grow up rooting for the Browns and NOT the eagles!  That's probably the only good thing about her!
GO BUCKEYES! GO BROWNS!
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Quote:
I work with teenage boys around that age that are referred through the juvenile court. That page doesn't alarm as much as it probably should, because I've seen so many like that in my time on the job. The good news, IMO, is in those tests that she took from various websites, defining her personalities. She seemed to know what to answer to get what results she wants, which means that it is unlikely to be a mental health issue, simply more of a fitting in issue. I'd object to the pic of her in a bra being posted, but some of the other photos made her appear to be more than presentable when she wants to be.
As for what to do, you may have done what you can for right now. I'm guessing it is simply a stage, as others have written. Be there for her, let her know that you'll talk to her about anything, at any time, and won't be running and telling her mother unless there is a situation that desperately requires it. It looks like she could use a steadying influence in her life, be that if you can. If not, I'd really recommend some type of mentoring service (Big Brothers, Big Sisters, etc.) to help her identify what image she wants to present of herself.
Again, by putting my five minutes and experience into it, I honestly don't think it is as bad as it looks on the surface, but there should be some minor steps taken to try and limit the future consequences. Frankly, I'm a little surprised at the knife thing not getting her a probation officer and some court-ordered counseling, since that is mandatory here, but I guess there are simply different standards from county to county and state to state.
I think I would have to say ditto on this one.
I looked as well.
I think she is just searching for an identity.
She will outgrow it.
Sooner rather than later from the vibes I got.
Another good way to keep tabs. Not that spying is a good thing.
read her freinds pages that do the most commenting on her page.
Might catch somthing important.
Does your husband know about this stuff?
Maybe big brother needs to step in?
But most of all try to be kewl.
Catch more flies with sugar than vinegar. Dig it?
Einstein could not even fathom the mathematical improbabilities of the Browns woes.
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Quote:
Quote:
I see she's from PA. Is she s Stillers fan?
Actually she's a Browns fan because I made sure when she was little to grow up rooting for the Browns and NOT the eagles! That's probably the only good thing about her!
That and the Drowning Pool song. You might also want to mention that if she is going to be posting pics of herself in a bra, that a few sit-ups would work wonders.
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Quote:
herself in a bra, that a few sit-ups would work wonders.
Sorry ! But I think that has nothing to do with this thread! JMO!
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Quote:
You might also want to mention that if she is going to be posting pics of herself in a bra, that a few sit-ups would work wonders.
Must have gotten the munchies after smoking doobies with her friends.
(kidding)
Einstein could not even fathom the mathematical improbabilities of the Browns woes.
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Just clicking...
I can't offer too much advice here that hasn't been harped on already. They (Mom and kid) both need their butts beat. Be a friend first, as right now it looks like you are one of the few adult authority figures in her life she will listen to or has any respect for, then try to reason with her and help straighten her out. Of course this means the mom will take full credit for what you did, but such is life. Speaking from experience, it's better to have someone else taking the credit they didn't earn than you having to ask yourself "Why didn't I" later on. You're not wrong for keeping her out of your house and away from your daughter. That page is a desperate cry for help and attention.
If all else fails and no one listens, you're going to have to let go and let her hit rock bottom. It might take a wake up call (i.e bootcamp, prison ect.) for them to get the hint.
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I'm so happy i don't have kids
One of my patients today was a 14 y/o girl. She had a shirt on that said "Had a great night last night whoever you are" or something along those lines... her Mom bought it for her...
also saw a teenage girl at work with a shirt that said "Love sucks, true love swallows."
When I'm a parent if I have girls and one of them thinks about doing stuff like this or wearing a shirt like that they better call 911 to get my foot out of her backside.
<><
#gmstrong
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Very good post!...Sorry to say but you are right!
I wish nothing but the best for her.....And that she grow's up to understand all of this.
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Hey maybe have her read all these posts. Tell her .... "Look at all these Browns fans that care". And some of us are long in the tooth and have been there done that. 
Einstein could not even fathom the mathematical improbabilities of the Browns woes.
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bra....bikini top....what's the difference??
I agree not good.......my advice is to stay out of it after you and bro have voiced your opinions on the matter.....maybe that will be enough.
The girl is only going to do what she wants to do....Just let her know you love her and when she is ready to come home, she has a place.
If everybody had like minds, we would never learn. GM Strong ![[Linked Image]](http://www.dawgtalkers.net/uploads/small-gator-chomp.gif)
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This is what went wrong: Quote:
My mother in law is constantly telling her how stupid she is and how she won't amount to anything in life.
And this is what's going to happen:
Quote:
I'd LOVE LOVE LOVE for Sam to get thrown in jail.
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Her Myspace page just screams "I want attention."
Seriously, who posts a million personality tests on there page as if it proves how crazy bad ass you are. This little girl needs a constructive hobby. Above everything she needs to find her identity. Right now she is trying so hard to be this outlandish goth/industrial chickie. Its so obvious that she is doing all of this for attention.
She'll either outgrow it. Or else she'll find herself on the receiving end of attention that she will learn that she doesn't really want.
Either way I think this is kind of harmless teenage crap, and she will outgrow it. She just needs parents who are going to stick by her and not give up on her.
I wish to wash my Irish wristwatch......
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Forums DawgTalk Tailgate Forum I need some advice about my
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