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Top 10 Answering Machine Messages

Actual Answering Machine Messages Recorded and Verified By The World Famous International Institute of Answering Machine Messages:

10. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity at the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and home phone number and they will get back to you.

8. This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number, and your reason for calling.... and I'll think about returning your call.

7. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

6. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my bank, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have LOTS of money.

5. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message.

4. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner.

3. Hi. Now YOU say something.

2. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

1. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll call you back.

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7. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

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This is the one I would love to put on my machine:


Hi. Thanks for calling. If you are a telemarketer please leave your company name, phone number and address at the tone so that I can let my lawyer deal with your violation of the Federal Do Not Call registry. Anyone else, just leave a name and number and I'll get back to you soon.

Here's a good one to pull on telemarketers!

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2. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

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I like this one...

by far the best one lol

My Wednesday Joke..........

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Three guys -- a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden, and an American engineer -- are walking together one day. They come across an antique lamp and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you one wish", says the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in
Canada." Pooooof! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in
Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Osama bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around
Afghanistan, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, most particularly Jews or Americans can come into our precious Islamic state." Pooooof! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The American engineer says, "Before I make a wish, I am very
curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out -- it's virtually impenetrable."

The engineer says, "Fill it with water."

LMAO~Eve that's a good one....heard a different version and it dealt with FRANCE. hehe


Here's my Wednesday joke:


A young blond woman was driving through the Florida Everglades while on vacation. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way but was very reluctant to pay the high prices that the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blond declared , "Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!"

The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, "Well, little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try ? "

The blond headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, as the shopkeeper was driving home, he spotted the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand. As he brought his car to a stop, he saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blond took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement as the blond struggled mightily and barely managed to flip the gator onto its back.
Then, rolling her eyes heavenward, she screamed in frustration, "CRAP! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO ! "

OMG!!!!!!!!! Priceless!

Yeah... people HATE IT when you do that... I mean really really get ticked.

"Love blossoms in the spring, no wonder it's called March Madness, for something truely maddening, please leave your name and phone number so I can think about calling you back".

Or another one I've heard:

I'm out of my mind right now, please leave a message and I'll call you back once the prozac kicks in.

LMAO - that's hilarious!