DawgTalkers.net Forums DawgTalk Everything Else... I am a Dad with no control.

I try so hard to be a stern parent. But having two daughters is beyond difficult to pull that off.

The last time I tried to spank my daughters last year, I felt so bad I took them to cedar point. They alresdy got a verbal commitment out of me to get them rides when they turn 16.

And then yesterday....for no freaking reason, I got them both iPhone XR’s, which means they have better phones than my wife and I. She was so ticked off at me, but all I could do is shrug. I spoil my kids rotten. I’m sure they know how to play me like a violin, but the bad part is that I don’t even care anymore. The waterworks are an instant killing blow to me, and I have no defense for it.

I’m probably screwed in the future.

Yes, you're screwed.

wifey said there's no way i would've done half the crap i did if we had boys instead.

might be true, i dunno.

That's like the funniest thing I've read here this year.

lol bro i legit felt like crap, even though wifey reminded me that i didnt even spank them hard enough to make them cry. doesnt matter

Swish is whipped.

Light, fluffy, frothy...

Swish so whipped, he forms stiff peaks.
Swish so whipped, Dawgs everywhere wanna spoon him onto a nice slice of warm cherry pie. Mmmmmmm- so sweet and light.

And his wife is right. Sons woulda had dat azz lit up, yo.
On 'repeat mode.'





You'll be the Dad they need you to be when they need you to be it. It's your duty, and you won't let them down. You won't miss the important events and lessons.

Your wife will help you. Hit her up for tips... 'cause she ain't fallin' for none of they mess, and you'll need to take a hard-line stance with them every once in awhile. Tools are necessary when the spine gets floppy.

Good luck.

lmfao bro i hope wifey keeps me in check.

Did the same thing with my 30 something daughters growing up. I'm telling you they will come to expect it and you will regret it. Make them earn things and don't let their tears be a negotiating tactic, the real world will eat them.

Just to make it simple, spoiled kids become entitled adults.

Yes, almost always.

Its the liberal way.

Please give these kids some chores so they can earn their toys.

Or they will grow up thinking other people need to buy them stuff.

I know. It sucks cause I know it but...damn.

And I always excuse it because I’m like, well they’re coming home with excellent grades and do choirs without being told so why not? They’re not really doing anything to screw it up.

I guess it will come down to whether or not I can take the stuff away if they start doing the wrong thing. I’m scared that I will be a push over when it really matters, but I don’t know because they don’t hardly anything that can be considered pushing buttons.

That's your leverage, Dad. But it only works if your spine is made of bone, nerves and cartilage instead of Jell-O.

Here's the down & dirty: You don't have to be a tyrant to be a responsible parent. But you do have to provide the guard rails that line their paths.

ODOT Guard rails are sunk 3 feet into the pavement for a reason: they represent the last chance to stop/redirect out-of-control momentum.
The hard and fast rules you parents set (and enforce) when they are young will determine the amount of drift your kids will allow themselves as they set out upon their roads to adulthood.

Little rules enforced when they are young set the stage for understanding more important and nuanced rules, as they get older.
Kids who understand/intuit/have learned the importance and security that boundaries provide will be less inclined to engage in risky behavior... because:

"This doesn't feel right. I don't think Mom&Dad would want me to be about something like this..."

They get that insight from growing up in a household where strong, smart, responsible adults set a firmly-structured home environment that trains their children to become high-achieving successful adults. That means setting (and enforcing) more rules/guidelines/guardrails than the neighbors set for their kids.


Dawg- you're simply gonna have to get with this:
Daddy can't be a Sta-Puft Marshmallow Man if he's gonna incite abject terror into the hearts of pimply-faced would-be suitors.


Because your girls must know terror of an enraged Pops, before they can forewarn all those boys who will soon be sniffing.

Raising children is a damn tough job and there are so many people who are ill-equipped to handle the task. It's a lot more work and a lot less fun to be strict and have consistent rules in place. In fact, it can be a pain in the ass sometimes. However, kids need structure. I like Clem's guard rail analogy. Kids are developing and are still moldable. They often test their boundaries to see exactly what they can and can not get away with. Thus, as parents, we have a responsibility to be their inner conscious and boundary setters. As a teacher, I saw too many parents not willing to invest the time into fulfilling that role.

One thing you have going for you is that it is apparent that you not only love them, but you care about them as human beings. Kids can easily sense such genuine emotions. And it helps them deal w/the stricter rules that you may impose upon them.

Many parents love their children and offer a nurturing environment. That's the most important thing and it sounds like you and your wife have that covered. But, the really good parents are also concerned w/the task of raising good citizens. Raising children who are givers rather than takers. Children who are industrious, respectful, well-mannered, and resilient. Thus, we must have a knack for balancing our innate love and nurturing selves w/our character building skills. There is nothing wrong w/tough love. There is nothing wrong w/disciplining a child and then hugging and kissing her moments later.

You and your wife can play the good cop/bad cop act to a certain extent, but be sure that you never work against one another. That your decisions are united. I've seen too many children ask one parent for something and after facing refusal march over to the other parent and ask for the same thing. You cannot let your children manipulate you in this way. Not only are they getting their way in the moment, but you are developing a manipulative personality disorder that can produce an ugly adult. Thus, it is imperative that you and your wife communicate all the time. Again, there is that time thing again.

I predict that you will be fine. You are cognizant of the situation. You understand the ramifications of it. Now, you just have to will yourself to act accordingly. I'll say it again...........parenting is damn tough job. It takes a lot of work, time, and resolve. You will make a ton of mistakes along the way. Reflect on them and set new courses of action.

There is no such thing as the perfect parent. We just have to provide unconditional love, a nurturing setting, and an environment that builds sound character. Do that and you have done your job.

Raising kids once was plenty for me.

This could tie into the Live Forever Thread. ("The Fountain of Youth")

Once was plenty, but ironically, I suppose a second time I could avoid a lot of mistakes I made.

Too late. Too bad. That's life.

I have cried more than my kids did when I spanked them growing up. I think me crying hurt them worse than the spanking to be honest. Still they know if they screw up that 1 they will get punished but that 2 they will be forgiven.

If you don't punish the wrongdoing they will just learn it in a harder lesson out in the real world where you can't control the punishment.

Kids asking for stuff doesn't make them bad kids. Nor does you giving in to them make you a bad dad. Still at some point it's best to set up an allowance for chores and good school work so they can EARN the money and then you just let them buy whatever they want with what they earned. If they need more then you set up a way for them to earn that extra. If you do then they will start to look for ways to earn what they want instead of expecting a handout. They will also gain a strong sense of pride because they deserved it. Teaching them financial responsibility and self reliance is a sacred duty IMHO.

Good Luck!

Thanks for the responses guy. Good info I’m definitely going to execute in the parenting plans.

Hopefully.

Hey Swish, not sure if you want any more advice, but I think this is important. Whatever rules you make, be sure you are willing to enforce them. Think of the consequences on you, your wife, and girls before you make the rules. Don't make a bunch of rules that are hard to enforce or are impractical. Keep the rules to a minimum and then follow through if needed.

I remember one time my wife said something like: "You will be grounded for 2 weeks if you do/don't do this." I can't even remember what it was, but I do remember telling her that there is no way you are going to follow through on that.

I feel your pain. Being the father of a daughter I had a very similar experience when she was small. My dad is the one who helped me gain some perspective on it all.

He had no problem being strict with me when I was growing up. Yet underneath it all he was a very kind and loving man. So I asked him how he could be strict on his children? His answer helped me more than anything I could have imagined at the age.

He explained to me what the loving your child really meant. That being a parent had priorities. That showing them love and affection was certainly on the list of priorities. But the #1 priority of being a parent was preparing them for the next chapter of their life. That the job of a parent was to prepare your child to be a responsible, productive adult. To teach them responsibility, right from wrong, compassion and instill character into them.

He said to that they had to learn to be accountable. That in life you don't always get your way. That in life there are consequences that go along with your actions. And without teaching your children these things, you are actually harming your children. That not doing these things isn't actually love at all.

He also said one other thing in closing. He told me that doing the right thing is often the hardest thing. Why else would they call doing the wrong thing. "taking the easy way out"? That while it's hard to be strict on your children, that's the only way to teach your children how to deal with the things life will throw at them. He said you can do the easy thing and your children can pay the price for that. Or you can do the right thing and your children will reap the rewards of it.

My dad was a pretty smart man. Even though as a child I didn't always see it that way.

That's a good way of putting it.


With my kids, I/wife and I set rules. Obviously, as they aged, those rules changed.

But - either of my kids can and do recite this: Dad always said the first thing he is is DAD, and all that goes with that. The second thing he is is a friend. But 'dad' always comes first.

Believe it or not, MOST kids want rules and expectations presented to them. Structure, if you will.

You shouldn't be too harsh on them. Prime, recent example: I got home from work about 4 months ago and my wife called me, pissed as could be, telling me I needed to go up to the house and talk with Sooga. (my daughter) I didn't know what it was about, but when I got to the house, Sooga was crying and my wife was steaming.

This was on a MOnday. As Sooga told me, "I got called into the principal's office today, with the A.D. being in there as well. Someone took a picture of me drinking a wine cooler Friday night and it got sent to the A.D. I'm suspended from softball for the first 20% of the season."

I can't tell you the anger that went through my head. But, it was obvious my wife had read her the riot act, threatened this that and everything else. No sense in me hooting and hollering at her.

I asked for details, and Sooga told me. No, she hadn't driven, she was spending the night at a friends, blah blah blah.

I was able to restrain my thoughts - not verbalize my anger. She had taken some serious heat from my wife. Now, Sooga knew I was upset. But basically I just said "Well, I hope you learn something from this. You'll have to abide by the penalty the school put out."

(at our school, and probably all schools anymore, athletes need to sign a code of conduct agreement - about drugs, alcohol, etc, and the specific penalties are laid out in that agreement)

I spoke with her coach yet that night......the coach had already been filled in and had spoken with Sooga after school that day.

A week or so later, I saw the principal and A.D., together. It wasn't a 'meeting' I had scheduled, just a random "hey, there's Roy, and Al." I spoke with them.

One of those "As a parent, I'm sorry" types of things. Know what they said?????? "Arch, we didn't even have video of her. We heard about it, and 3 others that were there. Your daughter was the only 1 that completely fessed up. No excuses, no lying. No trying to get out of it. We asked about what we had heard, and she admitted it. That's the first time a student has done that. She did something wrong, admitted it, it's over."

As a parent, as upset as I was at Sooga, I was proud of her, too, for not trying to lie her way out of it.

A fe

.

Growing up is a process. If we don't expect our children to make some mistakes along the way, we are setting ourselves up for disappointment. There was no reason for you to add insult to injury after your wife had already written her the riot act so I agree with the way you addressed it. And how proud you must have been that she was honest and took full responsibility for her actions.

I was a bit of a hot head when I was younger. As such, I learned another important lesson from my dad. If he was mad at something I did, I mean really mad, he would send me to my room to give him time to cool down before addressing the issue. He never once disciplined me in anger. I followed that example as a dad.

Some good stuff on this thread.

You do realize you just posted a picture of one of the far right heroes crying, right?

Way to try ad trash a great thread. Just you doing you.

You love your daughters, you are there for your daughters every day, you provide everything they need and much of what they want, you are involved and care about their grades and the choices they make for chores and stuff, you raise them to be respectful and decent, I'm sure as they get a little older you will steer them toward good friends instead of bad, good boyfriends instead of bad...

Bro, you are already in the top 10% of dads just for that. So don't beat yourself up.

There will come a day when they test you, that's what kids do... they will push you to the limit and beyond.... and you will have to take a stand and tell them no... and if you can't do it, just tell them to go and ask their mother.

Had a friend who spoiled his daughter, another who was strict with his.

It's all about drugs.

If they stay away, they will be fine, maybe spoiled, maybe demanding, but fine.

If they choose drugs, they may as well be dead.

Both of those kids chose drugs.

The spoiling dad was constantly picking up his daughter as she went in and out of rehab. She would be good for a while and then slip back. It shredded the family.

The strict dad who was in his 50's, a church leader and very conservative spent days searching for his daughter in the worst of places.
He would get called out in the middle of the night, by someone who stole her phone, to come to an abandoned building in the downtown. "Best come get her outta here before they kill her."
He would climb through the building to find her on a mattress on the floor and carry her out to the hospital.

One time she was pregnant so they raised the grandchild as their own kid after the child cleared the drugs from her system.
The daughter was gone again.

I spoiled my own daughter and thank God for her every day, she stayed away from drugs. She is spoiled, a bit demanding, and I could care less.

It doesn't matter at all how hard anyone tries to be the perfect parent. We all find some small way at the very least to screw our kids up. Just love them a lot and remember these times because they don't last long.

thats my biggest worry. drugs.

man, doesn't matter how well you raise your kid, it just fines a way sometimes.

And that should be a concern. Best advice I can give on that is make SURE you involve yourself with them. Make sure you talk to them about drugs, and what they can do to them, etc.

That was my biggest worry when my kids were growing up.

I saw some of their friends go down that path and it was frightening.

My one son was hanging with some of them and I asked him to do me one favor. I asked him to not join in when drugs were involved, just stay clean and watch those guys for 6 months. If you feel it is ok after that, then make your own decision. All I ask as the man who loves you more than any other man on the planet, is for 6 months.

It worked because the friends who got into the hard stuff went down fast. He most likely settled for weed like the friends who survived.

The one friend became a Heroin addict and got 3 chicks pregnant at the same time.

I remember asking the boy if he thought that kind of life was for him.
He and I laughed as he said, "No Freakin' Way!"

Then I reminded him, just give it 6 months of watching before you decide on these things.

The other son thought drugs were for idiots and was never a worry. Not even weed, never drank.

It all worked out, 3 kids, in their 30's and zero drugs.(probably weed they hide from the old man tho) Families of their own.

Nice, 40.

I hope that isn't fake news.

Can't make this stuff up.

I got the white hairs as evidence.

I've spoken before about my daughter. Playing Barbie's with her when she was young, reading to her, the constant, as soon as I got home from work "dad, can you play 4 square with me? Dad, can we play uno? Dad, can we shoot baskets/play horse? Dad can we play volleyball? Dad can we play catch? Dad can you pitch to me? Dad, can you hit grounders to me?" etc etc etc. (dad, can you paint my toe nails? And then "dad, can I paint your toenails?")

Mom was seldom involved - til Sooga got to be 17 or so. I got left on the back burner. That happens. She and her mom are now what she and I USED to be: best friends. And that's ok.

I have become the ogre in her life. The disciplinarian. Things will change again - not that mom won't be important. She'll grow, learn, and appreciate us both, equally, but from different aspects.

I'm glad she has 2 loving parents on her side.

Oh wow, holy crap, we never noticed you talking about your princess six or nine thousand times.


Btw, what's her real name?

Sorry for speaking about her. My bad.