Trump Regularly Hides in Catering Truck to Avoid JD Vance
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump routinely hides in a catering truck parked outside the White House to avoid talking to JD Vance, Secret Service sources revealed on Thursday.
According to the sources, when agents see the vice president approaching the Oval Office they immediately activate a silent alarm and hustle Trump out the back door.
From there, Trump is whisked into a “McRig,” a massive tractor-trailer provided for this purpose by McDonald’s.
“I’m not sure this is sustainable,” one Secret Service agent said on condition on anonymity. “Hiding Trump in a catering truck is like hiding Pete Hegseth in a liquor cabinet.”
In other White House news, press secretary Karoline Leavitt announced she was stepping down to spend more time lying to her family.
WASHINGTON—Explaining his opposition to birth control, Senator Tommy Tuberville said on Tuesday that he opposes contraception and all other words with more than one syllable.
“I see the word ‘contraception’ and that’s a quick ‘no’ for me,” the Alabama lawmaker said. “Don’t know what that means. Won’t look it up.”
Proud of his consistent opposition to polysyllabic words, Tuberville said, “Immigration. Education. Vaccination. No, no, no.”
The senator said, however, that he would continue supporting one-syllable words such as guns and oil, adding, “Short words good. Long words bad.”
Andy Borowitz
Intoducing for The Cleveland Browns, Quarterback Deshawn "The Predator" Watson. He will also be the one to choose your next head coach.
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