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HOW TO POOP AT WORK
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to
convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those
who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a
dump at work.
CROP DUSTING:
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not
in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know here it
came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart
has been expelled.
Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY:
This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in
and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave
and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People
may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the
bathroom.
ESCAPEE:
This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave
of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.
Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the
urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is
uncomfortable for all involved.. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties
feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK:
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace.
This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should
happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the
bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH:
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water.
This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the
bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME:
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just
stunk the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone
walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the
smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with
the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:
This is a colleague who poops at work and is darn proud of it. You
will often see an Out Of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a
newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office
for the Out Of the Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N):
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping
goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the
whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS:
A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building
where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of
the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex
entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR:
This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and
tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this
occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will
avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH:
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you
are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a
WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very
effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE:
An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd
Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will end all doubt that
the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom
immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON:
A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting
the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a
Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET:
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the
toilet water. Often acompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with
an Astaire.
UNCLE TODD:
An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever.
This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the
mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax
while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom
is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees.
Hope the Survival Guide helps, as the WORK POOP is an inevitable part
of life.
Born and breed with OSU, App. State alumni, but bleed orange and brown.
Go ARMY......Beat Navy!!!!!!
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Legend
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Legend
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Funny stuff nc! 
Intoducing for The Cleveland Browns, Quarterback Deshawn "The Predator" Watson. He will also be the one to choose your next head coach.
#gmstrong
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I am comforted by knowing now that I am not the only one who faces these issues.
You may be in the drivers seat but God is holding the map. #GMSTRONG
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Legend
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Legend
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You can also just let-her-rip..that usually clears the room so you can get a little privacy.
If everybody had like minds, we would never learn. GM Strong ![[Linked Image]](http://www.dawgtalkers.net/uploads/small-gator-chomp.gif)
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I do not like the frequent poopers. I can understand the emergency poop once in a while, but the every day stuff is simply not tolerable. At least I have my own bathroom at work so I don't have to be subjected to the frequents.  Poop at home people!!
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Legend
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But I'm saving a ton on my water bill by pooping at work. 
We don't have to agree with each other, to respect each others opinion.
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I'm an OUT OF THE CLOSET pooper in my office.
Of course, I work at home, alone. LOL!
![[Linked Image from i75.photobucket.com]](http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i302/lrhinkle/d5eaf0b9-e429-4211-b53f-b843bfcf6aa9_zps2ac17420.jpg) #gmstrong
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LOL.... I work with a Steelers fan so I always go over and leave him what I call "Pittsburgh Presents" I rip one by his desk and tell him it's a present to remind him of the smells of home / Pittsburgh 
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Quote:
I'm an OUT OF THE CLOSET pooper
I could see how pooping in a closet would be a situation one would need to get out of.
Intoducing for The Cleveland Browns, Quarterback Deshawn "The Predator" Watson. He will also be the one to choose your next head coach.
#gmstrong
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Unless its an emergency, I'm a home field advantage kind of guy. I don't like public bathrooms at all. I would put on a hazmat suit if I had one before entering a public bathroom (and don't get me started on port-o-johns).
On our work floor, we have one mens bathroom with 2 urinals and 3 stalls. The way I see it, why should I have to see, listen or smell what goes on in there? I don't do that with my own friends and family. Heck, when someone in my family leaves the bathroom and makes it known what just happened in there, we demand the fan be turned on, a match be lite and the room left to air out for 15 mintues. But when I'm at work, society expects me to be comfortable enough to do my business while a coworker is doing their business 3 feet away? It doesn't make sense.
Anyone else with me?
![[Linked Image]](http://www.dawgtalkers.net/uploads/Punchsmack/punch.gif) “...Iguodala to Curry, back to Iguodala, up for the layup! Oh! Blocked by James! LeBron James with the rejection!”
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Quote:
Anyone else with me?
No, you made it perfectly clear you don't want anyone nearby. 
We don't have to agree with each other, to respect each others opinion.
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I'm afraid somebody is going to come along and accuse us of being poop snobs. 
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Wow, I never would have started this thread. But since you brought it up . . . I also prefer to wait til home. But when I gotta go, I gotta go. All I can add to the survival guide is the FAUX PEE. This is to take the shame out of the walk of shame. If alone in the bathroom, after you poo, flush and wait for the tank to fill up and silence to return. Then, on the way to the sink, make a quick stop at the urinal and flush it. Then if anyone walks in on you, you were "just peeing" and that must be someone elses lingering smell.
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Quote:
Wow, I never would have started this thread.
But since you brought it up . . .
I also prefer to wait til home. But when I gotta go, I gotta go.
All I can add to the survival guide is the FAUX PEE. This is to take the shame out of the walk of shame. If alone in the bathroom, after you poo, flush and wait for the tank to fill up and silence to return. Then, on the way to the sink, make a quick stop at the urinal and flush it. Then if anyone walks in on you, you were "just peeing" and that must be someone elses lingering smell.
What about Faux Pee 2: when your done with your business in a busy 1 stall 1 urinal bathroom, you put the seat up, to make it look like you only did #1.
The length people go to. Gotta go, gotta go. It's human.
We don't have to agree with each other, to respect each others opinion.
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Dawg Talker
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Quote:
What about Faux Pee 2: when your done with your business in a busy 1 stall 1 urinal bathroom, you put the seat up, to make it look like you only did #1.
The length people go to. Gotta go, gotta go. It's human.
Except some guys figure if they are going #1 that they don't have to lift the seat and pee all over the seat as well.. which if I go in there to go #1 I raise the seat myself of course with a big wad of TP
![[Linked Image from i.imgur.com]](http://i.imgur.com/FUKyw.png) "Don't be burdened by regrets or make your failures an obsession or become embittered or possessed by ruined hopes"
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Well if the pre-occupee, pee'd all over the seat, then the faux pee 2 doesn't work. your left in a sense of panic trying to figure out how to get out of this one.
If you lift the seat and go, then leave, the next person might come in, put the seat down and see the pee from the previous guy, and assume it was you and you have really bad aim. Or do you clean the pee of the other guy? It's a panic situation you try to avoid. Even if it means unlocking the stall door, then crawling under the wall to the next stall and coming out of there.
We don't have to agree with each other, to respect each others opinion.
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At my summer job last year, there were a couple people who would go into the bathroom everyday at least once or twice a day to go #2. Me and a couple co-workers grabbed 2 extra pairs of work boots - There were only 2 stalls in the bathroom - and put them in the stalls and locked the doors so that all day they thought people were in the bathroom.
Also, We would occasionally put tape on the locking mechanism from the outside after people went in there and it would be really hard to try to get out of there.
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Quote:
which if I go in there to go #1 I raise the seat myself of course with a big wad of TP
Just use your foot.
It's far more eco-friendly. Why waste the paper?
Intoducing for The Cleveland Browns, Quarterback Deshawn "The Predator" Watson. He will also be the one to choose your next head coach.
#gmstrong
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If your not proud of the sound, and smell, you need to chill out. Of course I have a key to the exec. bathroom so nobody has to see my feet under the door
I AM ALWAYS RIGHT... except when I am wrong.
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