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I normally don't post personal problems on here but I have one that I'm not sure is the best way to handle it.I've read some help posts on here and some of you seem to know how to handle situations pretty well.
I have a 3 year old grand daughter and one that is 6 months that belong to my daughter.My problem is that my son in law has a severe foul mouth and he lets my grand daughter watch movies with him with the "F" word in it about every few lines or so.This really ticks me off and I've tried to talk to him to let him know that a 3 year old shouldn't be hearing that in movies or from her dad.
It has got to the point now where we are arguing about it and getting real close to me going up beside his head.I really don't want it to go that far if at all possible.
They live right next door to us which is kind of nice most of the time.
My wife doesn't like him doing these things but she keeps her mouth shut and says she doesn't want to get in the middle of it.My daughter doesn't like it either,but she doesn't want to argue and fight with him.
Here's my problem.I went over to their house Sunday night and he had a movie on and my grand daughter right in front of the TV watching it and here comes the "F"word bouncing off the walls.I went off on him and asked him what the hell is wrong with him and that she's 3 years old and he came off with some smartass remark that she's out of her Wiggles stage and he didn't have her chained to the TV.I told him he was an idiot and needed to go to parenting classes and then he said I had no right to tell him what he could watch on his TV in his house.
What should I do? Any suggestions? I love my grand baby's and will always protect them from any harm,the bad thing is that the only harm I see is their own dad.
Am I wrong in speaking my mind?I'm afraid the next step is me and him going toe to toe.
I ask that no comedians respond cause this is a serious situation for me.
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You know, you could teach her on your own time about swear words. How they shouldn't be used, and not to follow her father's poor example. I've found that grandparents can "undermine" a child's thought process easier than a parents due to their special nature. Grandparents are almost mythical, whereas your parents are just your parents.
As for the son in law, he sounds like an idiot that only cares about himself. You wont change someone like that by going toe-to-toe with him, and chances are your darling daughter wont stand up to him and defend you when he starts "F" bombing just to spite you (and that's a very real reality in this situation). At this point, he's going to do it to get a rise out of you, his daughter's virgin ears be damned.
I'd say stop going over and start inviting your grand daughter over to visit. You can kill two birds with one stone. You get her out of the bad environment, and into something more wholesome, while you stay away from the egomaniacal, controlling, son-in-law.
Hope this helps!
There are no sacred cows.
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Quote:
You know, you could teach her on your own time about swear words. How they shouldn't be used, and not to follow her father's poor example. I've found that grandparents can "undermine" a child's thought process easier than a parents due to their special nature. Grandparents are almost mythical, whereas your parents are just your parents.
As for the son in law, he sounds like an idiot that only cares about himself. You wont change someone like that by going toe-to-toe with him, and chances are your darling daughter wont stand up to him and defend you when he starts "F" bombing just to spite you (and that's a very real reality in this situation). At this point, he's going to do it to get a rise out of you, his daughter's virgin ears be damned.
I'd say stop going over and start inviting your grand daughter over to visit. You can kill two birds with one stone. You get her out of the bad environment, and into something more wholesome, while you stay away from the egomaniacal, controlling, son-in-law.
Hope this helps!
Rock-solid advice. Sounds like the son in law has some growing up to do.
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I told him he was an idiot and needed to go to parenting classes
Well, I for one am surprised that he didn't see the error of his ways and change immediately.
Aren't you?
I mean .. that kind of argument always wins hearts and changes minds ......
How about a different tactic ..... maybe something along the lines of "Do you think that it's appropriate for a 3 year old to be exposed to such language? Would it b better if you watched those movies when she was in bed, or otherwise not around? She will be starting school soon, and if she picks up bad language now, it will be harder for her because she's going to have to deal with teachers who won't take kindly to hearing bad words in their classrooms. Is there a way for you to watch the movies you enjoy, without allowing her to be exposed to the language that the schools and general public might find objectionable, especially from such a young child? Is there a different activity that you can share with your daughter that would be more appropriate for her age?"
Isn't it better to move beyond accusations and name calling to find the heart of the matter in a way that doesn't immediately put up your son in law's defenses? Wouldn't you be more likely to gain the outcome you want by asking, and offering a reasonable solution as opposed to "You're and idiot and suck as a parent"?
Micah 6:8; He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God.
John 14:19 Jesus said: Because I live, you also will live.
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I believe you are acting accordingly to the way the world is today, which is over zealous and overly protective of todays youth. I'm not trying to take a cheap shot at you because the majority might react like you.
Going off my up bringing I can't fault this father. My dad watched movies with cussing and he cussed himself and I turned out just fine. He did forbid me and my brother from swearing. His motto was do as I say and not as I do, which meant no swearing regardless of what we heard. And I don't expect to hear anyone say that my dad was a bad guy or was ignorant. He may not have been perfect but he was always there when I needed him and still is today even when I'm 30. Yes he swore and yes he spanked the bejesus out of me when necessary and in today's world both are frowned upon. Our society is becoming much to protective.
So I guess my point is that while your intentions are good, I would suggest letting him raise his kids and you just be a good gramps. I'm saying this with the belief that this guy does tell them not to cuss regardless of what they hear and that he disciplines well and is not abusive. Basically if his shortcoming is him watching some movies with bad words, then hey, it could be a lot worse. A LOT WORSE. Also sheltering kids isn't the best thing either. Both of your grandchildren will hear all these great words by the time they are 6 anyways, and they will also be saying those words around their friends. You remember being a child just as I do. Sheltering them wont help, but teaching them when they hear it that its wrong is whats important.
In ending, I can't say this guy is a bad father, ignorant, or immature based off of the story I read. Sorry if it's not what you want to hear. Sounds like your a good grandpa but that you need to let him raise his kids. As I said that's taking for granted he's a good father outside of your own opinion of his choice of words he allows his kids to hear. Sorry for the long article.
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2nd String
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What's worse..having your grandchildren exposed to foul language or domestic violence?
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From a father of 4 and granddad of 5................ Draftdayz advice is very good. Quote:
Am I wrong in speaking my mind?
Absolutely not. I do hesitate to let my family know what I think is wrong or right. Family for me is everyone whether there is blood between us or not. My Mother-In-Law is very much the matriarch of our family and I aspire to be lead as she does. To her credit she has raised subtlety to an art form and it is not cruel or harmful. I need to improve in that area. Then again there are times where there is no gray area. This certainly seems the case for you......
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i'm afraid the next step is me and him going toe to toe
I don't believe anything good can come of that. Period. I would think such an action would lead to deep divisions and not likely improve the situation.
All I can offer is to try to rise above this or, in other words, be smarter than your Son-In-Law. That certainly is not very specific advice, but perhaps you can recognize opportunity to gain his consensus despite the existing confrontation. He is the dad and I would believe that he is determined in his convictions at this point (even if he could or would admit he is wrong). Perhaps he has a friend that can essentially express a "that's not cool" opinion. Subtlety in the delivery of such an observation would probably be beneficial as your Son-In-Law could then get the message and maintain his dignity at the same time. Don't misinterpret that as some type of "soft love" crap. I only think that it could be an opportunity for him to improve his parenting skills without you and he remaining adversaries. Grandfathering is a life long commitment and both of you will need to be allies to best benefit your grandchildren.
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the bad thing is that the only harm I see is their own dad
I tend to think that your statement only reflects his stand on this issue and not his overall merit as a dad. Is he a decent person? Is he attempting to be a good father to his children with other matters?
If you must draw a line in the sand, then do so. There is indeed the possibility that eventually your Son-In-Law will realize that he was wrong and he could come to respect your steadfastness on the issue. The only thing that concerns me is that if you and he remain adversaries, then he will not be able to benefit from your guidance that is obviously based on your love for your granddaughter. One thing I am convinced of is that good dads lead and teach through convictions that are based on love and devotion, but convictions can be negatively convoluted by pride.
I hope this made some sense for you. Good luck my friend.......for the benefit of our grandchildren.
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Call children's services, tell them you live next door and think he should be investigated. Tell them you hear him cussing all the time.
They'll investigate, focus on him, and let him know in no uncertain terms that his actions are at best questionable. Meanwhile you remain anonymous and uninvolved. If he blames you... deny it.
He will change.
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My wife doesn't like him doing these things but she keeps her mouth shut and says she doesn't want to get in the middle of it.
Sounds like a wise woman...
I know it's hard for you to watch this happen, but let it go. You're not going to change your son-in-law's behavior and get him to "see the light". If anything, you're probably causing more stress to your grandaughter by arguing with him about it.
Remember, you're not the parent...only the grandparent. You're not in charge of raising these kids....your daughter and son-in-law are.
Pick your battles wisely...
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Yeah, that's what you want to do.  I noticed the OP didn't say his grandchildren walk around swearing all the time. If they are just hearing it there is no reason to go to extremes like that. (on a side note I think that's what is wrong with the world today, people over-protecting other people's children. I grew up without needing sheltering, disinfected everything, safety pads while riding a bike, etc..... and I'm just fine  ) The right to let them watch what they watch is the parents choice. If you find the kids swearing just voice your displeasure to them instead of the dad. My grandmother caught my brother in a lie as a child and to this day he won't lie to her about anything. Everyone else.......lol.
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Remember you catch more flies with honey than you do with viniger The best way to show grandkids (and kids for that matter) is to lead by example. Be a good role model each and every day, and thats good to stick with your grand children and children more than a few hours of TV ever will.
I AM ALWAYS RIGHT... except when I am wrong.
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As for the son in law, he sounds like an idiot that only cares about himself.
Wow,you hit the nail on the head there.He is a selfish,self centered SOB.My wife and I have mentioned that before.
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I'd say stop going over and start inviting your grand daughter over to visit.
I usually have my grand daughter every day for most of the day.I love being around her.In the evenings and weekends is when most of the problems happen when the moron is around.
The other thing that concerns me is that I have another lttle one that will be growing up under the same situation if it's not changed now.
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Quote:
How about a different tactic ..... maybe something along the lines of "Do you think that it's appropriate for a 3 year old to be exposed to such language? Would it b better if you watched those movies when she was in bed, or otherwise not around? She will be starting school soon, and if she picks up bad language now, it will be harder for her because she's going to have to deal with teachers who won't take kindly to hearing bad words in their classrooms. Is there a way for you to watch the movies you enjoy, without allowing her to be exposed to the language that the schools and general public might find objectionable, especially from such a young child? Is there a different activity that you can share with your daughter that would be more appropriate for her age?"
Believe me,I tried that route first a while back.Everything you said I have said to him.I told him that one day she will use the "F" bomb in front of someone and embarass him.He said it won't embarass him and laughed about it.
I told him then that I hope I'm around when that happens cause I'll let them know where she learned it at.That's when I start losing my temper when he acts like an idiot.
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I didn't hear one word about how much in love your daughter is with this man. how much of a good provider he is, or generally how good a human he may be in other ways.
So, since I didn't hear that, I'm guessing one of two things is true, 1. either she isn't in love him, he's a dirt bag, not a good provider etc etc. or 2. He is but has this one Problem.
if it's the first, the help your daughter get rid of the bum. give her a way out.. offer her the help and support she will need to make a break. Oh, and video tape the next several confrontations secretly so you can demostrate in court what kinda guy he is.
if it's the second, then the advice you have already received is better than anything else I got for you.
Gotta be a tough situation for you.. I'm sorry that you and your daughter and grandkids are faced with what is clearly a person with some issues.
I wish you the best.....
#GMSTRONG
“Everyone is entitled to his own opinion, but not to his own facts.”
Daniel Patrick Moynahan
"Alternative facts hurt us all. Think before you blindly believe."
Damanshot
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I didn't hear one word about how much in love your daughter is with this man. how much of a good provider he is, or generally how good a human he may be in other ways.
I can only assume she loves him cause she knows for sure that if she wanted out of the relationship,I'd be at the front of the line to help her.
As far as a provider,he does go to work everyday,but we have shelled out a good amount of money to help them out.Well really we are doing it for our grandkids.
As far as a good human being,he is selfish,and uses people to get what he wants.The only time he visits his grandmother is if he wants to get money from her.
He went to get my daughter a car and ended up getting the one he wanted and he drives it,but tells everyone he bought her a car.He bought her an Ipod for her birthday and he loaded it with songs he likes and takes it to work.She has never got to use it.But he wants everyone to know he bought her one for her birthday.Trying to impress people I guess.
He's pretty much an A-hole and needs help.
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Call children's services,
I thought about that and decided that would probably be one of the worst things I could do about it,so that's not even an option.
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Hey, Harley! Good for you. Sorry to hear the news. I can see where you wanna jack his skull up and see what is under his hood. Seen this stuff before when I was still teaching. No guarantees to parents with issues other than I guarantee to hang in a problem with them and do whatever was different than the current problem. We wanted to at least change it if not solve it. Usually suggested they look all around the problem, and you have. Not just you and him. He is not going to change, and he gets his "candy" upsetting you, so let's try to deprive him of his yayas. Clearly momma not going to address it, daughter, wife, and others lining up to say no to adrressing it, so an intervention or confrontation isn't in the cards. Beating seldom solve and resolve bad situations; they just say keep from getting caught. THis guy seems to wish the corruption on his own kid and a daughter at that. Dumbest and least "parent-like" line in there was she isn't "chained" to TV. Stoooopid! So three year olds are responsible for their own moral courses and choices? But it is an opening. I would pull her aside and suggest that if she hears that on TV, she should leave the room because nice people don't talk that way, most people know better, and she do something else fun instead. Use her dad's idiotic argument for her own good. Odd that she is there beside him when you are around. Don't overtalk it, just encourage it. He does need some help. Foolish thinking that because the other person's wrong, it proves you are right. Not the case, but prevalent. don't surrender on the women; the message they send is that it is no big deal because they will watch and let it go on. Good luck!  
"Every responsibility implies opportunity, and every opportunity implies responsibility." Otis Allen Glazebrook, 1880
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Don't call children services for that, you'll never get rid of them and how would it effect your daughter? Not very well I would assume. Look I'm sure you've done it already but you need to convey your feelings to your daughter in a way that is stern but supportive. The root of the problem in my opinion is your daughter. If she is willing to tolerate this type of behavior, you will be powerless Maybe she is telling you one thing and the guy something else? But my so humble opinion is it starts with your daughter and go from there. Oh and the advise someone above gave to undermine the guy while you have her with you is ok I suppose but I hope you're prepared for the crap storm that can come with that. Especially if he feels you're undermining his authority so to speak. There is no easy way to deal with this when you feel kids should be raised your way (whether you are right or not) and the way the parents raise them. Hopefully you have instilled enough good things in your daughter that she will eventually take a stand and learn from the situation and the many others that are going to happen. Sorry for no paragraphs it seems not to let me.
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Yeah "call children service" over the kids hearing swearing on tv. Thats the dumbest idea. ColdDawg you're exactly whats wrong with the world today. Just hearing that tells me that I could never respect you. Maybe someone should call the authorities on you if they don't agree with your tactics.
Children services should NEVER be called unless its an extreme circumstance. Them morons think their beliefs on raising kids are the only way it should be done.
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Quote:
I've found that grandparents can "undermine" a child's thought process easier than a parents due to their special nature. Grandparents are almost mythical, whereas your parents are just your parents.
Man truer words were never spoken . Maybe not for everyone but my grandparents were the rock on which my world was built when I was little. My parents were mere mortals and as such thier advice ( and orders  ) were always held in a lesser standing . I f my parents said a stove was hot then I had to find out for my self but if the wise old grandparents said it well then that was a thing not be touched. You can work miracles with your grandkids but don't put them in a position where they have to choose between who they want to love more and confrontation with Dad is never a good idea and can damage the father daughter relationship forever .
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Harley, it's not my place to suggest this normally, but you asked so,, here goes..
You assume your daughter loves him,, DO YOU KNOW IT? that may give you the big clue as to your next move. If she says she does,,,, man, I'm sorry, but you may have to do what one poster suggested,, call child services and get them to intervine on behalf of the kids.
If she doesn't love him, maybe by asking her (not in a judgemental way) about it, she will blurt out that she's tired of it but feels trapped (that is a very real possibility).
If that's the case, get her out of the trap..
Man I feel really bad for those kids,, but I also feel bad for you having to sit there and witness this.
Tough call..
#GMSTRONG
“Everyone is entitled to his own opinion, but not to his own facts.”
Daniel Patrick Moynahan
"Alternative facts hurt us all. Think before you blindly believe."
Damanshot
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Some advice I agree with and some I don't. But here goes.
I will disagree that you should encourage divorce. Unless he's physically or psychologically abusive, divorce should be the absolute last option. Exposing the kids to some foul language doesn't exactly rise to the level of abuse in my book. Keep this in mind, if you encourage divorce, then you are probably going to have him move away, he could very well end up with some other woman who isn't your daughter and now SHE is going to impact their little lives as well..... your grandkids will be with him on weekends and for times over holidays and they will be God knows where doing God knows what.. as it is now, at least you have them next door and you know that your daughter is always right there.
Toe to toe? Don't do it. You would just drive a wedge, he could end up giving your daughter an ultimatum to choose between him and you.... I don't see anything good that can come from this.
My best positive advice... spend as much time as you can with the grandkids, be the example they need, realize that having you in their lives is more important than not having you so try to keep the peace... also realize that having a few foul words come out of their mouths isn't the worst thing that could happen. I would be far more concerned about sexual or violent content in the movies than just language.
Based on very little information, my guess is that this guy had parents who were very much the way he is.. that's what happens and you can tell him he's wrong all day but it's not going to change him. Provide a safe comfortable place for your grandkids to be when they are with you where they feel special and as they get a little older, they will voluntarily choose to spend more time with you... it's going to be tough to watch this play out but in the end, you will win by being loving and supporting.... not violent and confrontational.
yebat' Putin
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As the first reply stated, it's best to try to teach your grandchildren when you have time with them, rather than trying to change their father. You don't want a feud in the family, it only makes things worse, and as the kids learn from you they will eventually say things like "Daddy, you said a dirty word", which might get through to him quicker than anything you can say to him.
Take the high road. If he uses that language around you, politely ask him to be mindful of his choice of words while around you and your wife, and leave it at that.
I grew up around all those words, violent movies, etc but had people telling me it wasn't good to say, and to this day, aside from a slip in anger or temper I don't use them often.
We don't have to agree with each other, to respect each others opinion.
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Wow, not you too. I know all you children service advocates didn't raise your kids by the book. I wish someone like children services had come told you how to do things. You never swore in front of your kid, Daman? Never watched a movie with cussing in it while your kid could possibly hear it? Or were you just the Brady Bunch Family?
Seriously get real, not just you, but anyone that is acting like this Grandpa has some kind of super crisis on his hands. Total over reaction on his part and suggestions that are just a bit over the top.
You want real advice Gramps and not just someone to agree with you and add to your drama?? If there is no abuse or neglect, then simply stay out of it. That simple. Not what you want to hear, but it's real. Or you can listen to the drama queens that play into your little sympathy party.
Most of all, anyone suggesting child services, needs to understand this guys opinion is COMPLETELY Biased.
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Yeah "call children service" over the kids hearing swearing on tv. Thats the dumbest idea. ColdDawg you're exactly whats wrong with the world today. Just hearing that tells me that I could never respect you.
Way to respectfully disagree.
yebat' Putin
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I thought so myself. Figured people like to go over the top here, so why can't I? Make sense? Good glad we agree.
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Figured people like to go over the top here, so why can't I? Make sense?
Makes perfect sense... eye for an eye, tit for tat... that solves so many more problems than somebody taking the high road.
yebat' Putin
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Seriously get real, not just you, but anyone that is acting like this Grandpa has some kind of super crisis on his hands
This tells me you have no grand kids.
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sympathy party.
This tells me your opinion means nothing.It has nothing to do with sympathy.I don't need sympathy from anyone dude.
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The high road hu? Is that the road your on right now by telling me how I should post? Oh I didn't think so. I believe my response was to someone definately not named dcdawgfan. So why get involved? Maybe you and your thumbs up guy should take your own advice. You know the high road you speak of? Take a drive on it, you might like it, maybe there's an ice cream shop you can go enoy on that stretch of road. Don't give advice that you don't follow yourself.
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You're right, I don't have grand kids, I'm only 30.
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The high road hu? Is that the road your on right now by telling me how I should post? Oh I didn't think so. I believe my response was to someone definately not named dcdawgfan. So why get involved? Maybe you and your thumbs up guy should take your own advice. You know the high road you speak of? Take a drive on it, you might like it, maybe there's an ice cream shop you can go enoy on that stretch of road. Don't give advice that you don't follow yourself.
Wow!...just Wow!  please try to keep on the subject at hand.
Harley anyone that know's me know's how I feel about children, and that I would do anything for my kid's, But I do believe that the high road is imo. the best way for you and all involved. I wish you all the best.
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The high road hu? Is that the road your on right now by telling me how I should post? Oh I didn't think so. I believe my response was to someone definately not named dcdawgfan. So why get involved? Maybe you and your thumbs up guy should take your own advice. You know the high road you speak of? Take a drive on it, you might like it, maybe there's an ice cream shop you can go enoy on that stretch of road. Don't give advice that you don't follow yourself.
LOL! And you are calling others a drama queen?
Hehe, little angry man needs a nap I think.
Browns is the Browns
... there goes Joe Thomas, the best there ever was in this game.
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I love how so many just munch on every word I say. It's nice to know that I can so easily get inside so many peoples heads. Pretty cool how nobody wants to argue the actual point about how calling childrens services is just plain dumb and the weak way out. Since it's obvious I'm right alot of you try to maintain your level of self righteousness by arguing with me about something off topic such as the way I state my opinion. I don't need sarcastic thumbs up guy, I'd rather get straight to the point. Where's the happy guy with the middle finger when I need him? Nothing angry about stating my opinion. Sorry some can't handle it, I basically expected it with all the fragile egos on here.
Last edited by Journey Dawg; 02/17/09 11:33 AM.
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Good idea stick to the topic Shotty. You can start by taking your own advice. At no point was I talking to you. So tell me again why your responding to me?
Last edited by Journey Dawg; 02/17/09 11:36 AM.
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I think 1 person out of how many said anything about calling Child Services. So you chose to take on the minority opinion.
We don't have to agree with each other, to respect each others opinion.
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I read 2-3 posts suggessting that. It's not that I chose to take it on because it was the minority opinion. I chose to take it on because I found it ridiculous. I just have a strong hatred for children services because I know they go too far with their little joke. They put their nose where it doesn't belong and I don't particularly appreciate how they try to tell people how to raise their kids. I've heard enough screwed up cases from them that I hate them and suggesting their involvement in something like this tells me that some people don't know what them clowns are all about. Secondly if strong opinions don't want to be heard, then people shouldn't air their dirty laundry on a message board. Do you see somewhat where I'm coming from?
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I will disagree that you should encourage divorce. Unless he's physically or psychologically abusive, divorce should be the absolute last option
Harley, I agree with DC on this.. But DC,, I think and it's JMO, but the way Harley describes son in laws interaction with his daughter to me is verbal and physicalogical abuse.. But that's just me..
#GMSTRONG
“Everyone is entitled to his own opinion, but not to his own facts.”
Daniel Patrick Moynahan
"Alternative facts hurt us all. Think before you blindly believe."
Damanshot
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I think 1 person out of how many said anything about calling Child Services. So you chose to take on the minority opinion.
I also said that that was an alternative... not one I like, but if it comes down to it, and the welfare of the children is at stake.. I think it has to at least be a consideration.
#GMSTRONG
“Everyone is entitled to his own opinion, but not to his own facts.”
Daniel Patrick Moynahan
"Alternative facts hurt us all. Think before you blindly believe."
Damanshot
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Pretty cool how nobody wants to argue the actual point about how calling childrens services is just plain dumb and the weak way out.
I've had social services injected into my life at one point and it's not pleasant. I agree with you that it's not a good idea and unless there is abuse, I wouldn't do it. My comment was more about you calling the guy dumb and stating he is what's wrong with our society for even suggesting it. There is much wrong with our society and being a little overprotective of kids isn't even on the list.
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I don't need sarcastic thumbs up guy,
ok then.
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Sorry some can't handle it, I basically expected it with all the fragile egos on here.
I can handle it as I'm sure Harley can too...
yebat' Putin
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Yes, I understand were your coming from, but your approach at expressing your point is like PITA shooting people coming out of the grocery store with ground beef. It doesn't exactly get your opinion seriously considered amongst the anger and trash it's wrapped in.
We don't have to agree with each other, to respect each others opinion.
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