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This is just kind of a: "What do you think?" type of question.
There are times that I feel like I am really letting my kids down. I currently work 8 hours a day, coach football 2-3 hours a day (Even during offseason work), and currently studying for my teaching license.
This leaves about 3 hours a night for family activity (9-10 hours on weekends.)
Do you feel this is enough time for a father to be around his kids? I am aspiring to be a college football coach, but I don't want to look back in 15 years and wonder where the time went?
Do you believe 3 hours a night on week nights is sufficient time to impact my childrens lives?
Thanks in advance.
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That's more than most fathers spend with their kids, I would think. A daily dose of a few hours of quality dad time will definitely have an impact on their lives.
And into the forest I go, to lose my mind and find my soul.
- John Muir
#GMSTRONG
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Well, for us....we made a decision to stay in a condo in the city as opposed to buying a house in the burbs (we work in downtown Chicago). We can go desk-to-daycare-to-home very quick. We don't waste hours per day commuting. So, outside of the time we're at work...she's with us. Some friends of our lose 2-3 hours per day in a car or train. So that's a big chunk.
I would side with your family.....unless you think the work you're putting in will help you support/spend more time with them in the future. Not easy.
My wifes Dad lost his high-paying job as an engineer when she was in elementary school. So he did the only thing he could at the time, work two full-time jobs to keep her and the rest of the family in the nice neighborhood he dreamed about. He was never around. They stayed in the house and they understood the sacrifice he made. But at the same time, they wish they would have seen him more over those 13-15 years.
Not an easy decision. Your kids ages might help.
And do you really keep all weekend open for them?
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everything is relative. you need to have aggressive goals in order to achieve stability in your career, which helps your family. however, you need to ensure that you don't forget that your family comes first while doing it.
there is no perfect way to do it, but as long as you are conscious of how your decisions effect both sides, then you are thinking along the right path.
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personally, I recently switched companies to one that allows me a better life balance. it will technically hurt my career as I took a couple steps down on the corporate ladder to do it, but it allows me to work sane hours and spend more time with my family. I say technically because it is a much better company with more interesting work and better methodologies in place to do that work.
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I know that, growing up, my Dad was really only around for 3 or 4 hours a night before I went to bed. But, when he was around, he was almost always available to do whatever. Whether it was go play catch, or just sit and watch TV with me and my sisters.
That's really all it took, to be honest. Now, sometimes he wasn't available because of work, but that wasn't very often.
To me, it isn't the amount of time, but the quality of time. I mean, 2 minutes might not be enough, but if it's 2 or 3 quality hours, that could make all the difference.
JMHO
I am unfamiliar with this feeling of optimism
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One opinion only ... it's quality over quantity. If you let them know how you feel and be there for them and then also make it count when you can see them, you will have a lot less difficulty.
When I was growing up my dad was in a management position that was already a 50 hour or so week plus most saturdays ... and for a long time he went to night school to finish up his degree and masters. There was a lot of time that he would be at work by 6 or 7 in the morning, be home for dinner and would help do the dishes, then might be gone again until 8 or 9 at night. Some semesters that happened close to 3 or 4 nights a week.
BUT, I do remember that as busy as he was we did always have opportunities to do stuff with him, go fishing or watch a ball game or whatever. It didn't bother me too much to see him gone, but I would say for your situation just make sure that the time you can spend with them is quality and engaging. Don't think that just because you are home or in the same room that it's fine. Sometimes they might want privacy, but if you make the effort to be involved in their lives then I would say it shouldn't be a problem.
"Believe deep down in your heart that you're destined to do great things."
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How much time will you free up when you get your teaching license and can stop studying for that?
In the end, nobody can answer this but you.. the one thing you didn't mention was your wife. You can't let her down either. How does she feel about all of this? You need to make sure that in between working, coaching, kids, that you set some time apart for her and I'm not just talking about sex.
I'm curious though, if you are worried about this now, how will you make it as a college coach? College coaches work very long and grueling hours in season and out. Plus there is a total lack of job security.
I remember you asking the question a while back about getting into college coaching and the one opinion that kept rising to the top was, make sure your wife is aware of what it will take and that she is on board... Well that is still the biggest factor to me.. if you are pursuing your dream and if your wife is at home supporting that dream, then your kids will look on it with respect as long as you make the time for them when you can... If your wife isn't happy about it, then the kids will pick up on that and they won't be as happy about it.
Like a lot of people on here, my dad worked 1 full time job and 2 part time jobs for as long as I can remember.. 6am to 3pm, then he changed tires a few nights a week in a little shop, then he owned a bar that sometimes kept him working until 2am.. yet I never remember him missing a game of mine because he had to work.. ever. and I played sports in every season from the age of 5 to 18.. and he coached quite a few of my teams when I was younger...
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Quote:
but I don't want to look back in 15 years and wonder where the time went?
I never thought the "old folks" knew what they were talking about but it seems just yesterday that my little girl was playing with dolls and now she is going off to college with me wondering where the years went.
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Quote:
In the end, nobody can answer this but you.. the one thing you didn't mention was your wife. You can't let her down either. How does she feel about all of this? You need to make sure that in between working, coaching, kids, that you set some time apart for her and I'm not just talking about sex.
Agreed. I lost my marriage due to my wife and I not being on the same page with career goals. Make sure she is on board and fully understands your career as well as family goals. I had a big disconnect with my wife on the career aspect - we still get along and I have 50% shared custody of my son but it sucks not being a family and I can tell, regardless of whether my son admits it or not, it still hurts him that we split up.
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Have you discussed this with your kids and wife?
It would seem to me that they are the experts as far as what's happening in your family.
For me .... well, I didn't have my dear old dad around when I was growing up .... so I can't really offer a whole lot other than this ...... if you have enough time to be interested in, and involved with your kids lives, then you're probably OK. If your wife feels that she is not being overwhelmed with unreasonable expectations while you're chasing your dream ..... then you'll probably be OK. Many kids see their dads for only a few hours per day anyway .... as some dads don't get home from work until 7 or 8 in the evening, just in time to see the kids for a little while, then send them off to bed.
I would add to remember to make time for your wife as well. She can't just be "Mom" all the time.
There's my amatuer psychologist take on things.
Micah 6:8; He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God.
John 14:19 Jesus said: Because I live, you also will live.
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Quote:
And do you really keep all weekend open for them?
In season, I don't see them at all on Fridays. Saturdays I see them from noon until 10pm. Sundays I see them from 8am-7pm. In the offseason, if there isn't a coaching clinic (4 or 5 per year) I am with them all day long unless my wife and I go out for supper alone.
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In the end, nobody can answer this but you.. the one thing you didn't mention was your wife. You can't let her down either. How does she feel about all of this?
As long as I am helping when I am at home, she is ok with the 60+ hour weeks. I have certain things she expects me to do around the house and with the kids. As long as I'm keeping up on that and we have some personal time occasionally, she does very well with it.
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'm curious though, if you are worried about this now, how will you make it as a college coach?College coaches work very long and grueling hours in season and out. Plus there is a total lack of job security. I remember you asking the question a while back about getting into college coaching and the one opinion that kept rising to the top was, make sure your wife is aware of what it will take and that she is on board...
Well, coaching at college is my main goal, but ifKI end up as a head coach at the high school level, I'm OK with that, because it's truly all about the young men that I'm coaching and love for the game. From that standpoint, it really depends on where this all leads me. If I end up in college, I will be in my 40's and my kids will be on their own. (Unless they end living with us into their 20's) Before I proposed to my wife, I told her at least a hundred times that I'm a football coach. That's what I do... it's who I am. She had plenty of opportunities to reject me, but she chose to marry me despite the disclaimers. She is with me on this wild and crazy ride!
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Have you discussed this with your kids and wife?
I Have with my wife. My kids at 5 and 2 or not old enough to understand completely. They don't seem to be deprived.
I really appreciate all the help from you guys. I think I have started a similar thread on this before, but not really about my kids. I'm definitely guilty with seeking advice from you guys. Hope it's not too annoying!!!
Last edited by BrownsBigshot; 03/21/11 06:17 PM.
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Quote:
I really appreciate all the help from you guys. I think I have started a similar thread on this before, but not really about my kids. I'm definitely guilty with seeking advice from you guys. Hope it's not too annoying!!!
Most of us have asked for help with a situation (or three) from this board...and will continue to do so. I don't want to sound too cheesy but, "we're here for ya man".
I hope we all helped.
“...Iguodala to Curry, back to Iguodala, up for the layup! Oh! Blocked by James! LeBron James with the rejection!”
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I am glad you posted this. In June my son graduates from high school and I am now looking back at his childhood and wondering what if . . .
I worked in a steel plant on afternoons for most of his childhood just so I could go to school and get my degree. I would barely see him during the week. Just a bit in the morning. I quit school in the spring for three successive years just to coach him in little league. When I left the steel plant and came to this job, it was again afteroons and midnights.
I missed school functions. I missed sitting around the dinner table alot. I missed evenings in front of the t.v. or any activity. We have always been tight on cash, so vacations were far and few between. Very few.
I do have regrets, but as a father to a father let me suggest this:
Do pursue YOUR dream. You may not have the quantity of time to offer, but make the quality count. Don't let meals be ate in silence. Don't let drives to school transpire in silence. When you do have time, even if you are tired, can't think, can't stay awake, have no idea what you are doing . . . play that Xbox or Wii game with your kid. Tell them that you love them. Correct them when they are wrong, praise them when they are right.
By the looks of your schedule you will have more time with them than perhaps it may seem right now. But I think you will do just fine. And if you contemplated this enough to post it. . . . you are doing all right!
For the record. My son, whom I struggled to be around, is a 4.0 NH Society, never been in trouble kid with a full ride to Dana School of Music at YSU, with honors. If a schmuck like me can do it, you can do it!
You will wonder where the time went anyway . . . Pursue your dream. Quality time. And if your dream doesn't work out, at least you tried and won't look back and say DANG! I wish I would have . . .
--I know I am . . . .
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Look man. Spend what you can, but do what it takes to get ahead.
You may miss out a bit now, but as they get older and you are in a position to say "I am taking the afternoon off", it's worth it.
It was for me.
For a long time when mine were young, I left before they woke up....for years I left of work at 5:45 am and didn't get home until it was a hour or so from bedtime, not to mention riding the circuit for 12 years, being gone 2-3 nights a week in some hotel 100 miles or more away.
But, I worked to where I didn't have to do that any longer, was in control of my schedule to the largest degree, was making good money, and was there for the years a dad is really needed...say 13-14 until you die.
There was a 4-5 year period my daughter wished I hadn't gotten ahead, wasn't there to interview her new boyfriend, and wasn't there and awake at 12:00 sharp to turn on the porch light exactly 90 seconds after the car turned in the drive. 90 seconds is ample time to say goodnight, smooch a few times, and maybe a quick grope....but it better be pretty darn quick.
At 12:01 and they hadn't pulled in....I was sitting outside on the porch.
My sons had the same deal. All respectable girls had to be in by 12am, so I insisted that is the time they brought them home to their parents unless her parents demanded earlier. Depending on where she lived, I gave them ample time to drive home from the young ladies house.
If everybody had like minds, we would never learn. GM Strong ![[Linked Image]](http://www.dawgtalkers.net/uploads/small-gator-chomp.gif)
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Odd twist here. My dad was my coach for multiple sports, but football was strongest. He was accomplished. He coached three sports a year when I was growing up (oldest) and my brother and sisters came along. Mom had to work, so I was taken to football summer doubles when she worked part time. He was often not around for some of the quality time; try to find as much as you can. It mattered that he wasn't there a few times, for stuff important to me. The time you describe is worlds more than I got. Buy my Mom just built our family INTO his job demands. We were at all basketball and football games if healthy, I went to practices, or took over the "man work" to help him out, at least best as a kid can do. Playing for him built a wall between us that continues to be taken down slowly. But he has been there when I truly needed him. Time now spent will help in crisis later, with no regrets. Good luck. And do NOT forget yourself; be strong for you, then strong for others.
"Every responsibility implies opportunity, and every opportunity implies responsibility." Otis Allen Glazebrook, 1880
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Well, I guess I'll mention the far end of the spectrum.
My father was a driven, type A personality whose work came first. He did very well, for himself, becoming a millionaire. My childhood was largely spent avoiding him.
My oldest brother left the house with a rifle in one hand and a shotgun in the other. He enlisted shortly after, in 1963, during the Vietnam war. SFAIK, he did not speak to my father any time after 1970, until shortly before his death a few years ago. There are no regrets.
He was invited to my sister's first wedding, but was neither invited nor informed about her next two. She visited when her kids were about 6 and 8. Those kids had nightmares for the next two weeks.
All three of us boys worked at the family business for a few years. In my case the only thing that kept me going was the future possiblity of buying him out and have HIM working for ME. In the end, it was not worth it. I quit, walking away from a near-six-figure income.
I learned a lot of business principles from him, and like him I am self-employed running my own company. I barely make ends meet, and am often relieved to come home and find that the lights are still on. But, I make my own schedule, am dependent on no one, and I enjoy my work.
My son calls me almost every day, he is happy and eager to spend time with his Dad, asks me how my day went, and if he has a problem he comes to me with absolute confidence that I will help him to resolve it.
I do not know if my father was pleased and content with the career choices he made in life, but I know that I am with mine.
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Quality>quantity 
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Quote:
Quality>quantity
Since this is morphing into a bigger conversation I will just state that I do not completely agree with the quality>quantity idea when it comes to spending time with your kids. Quality is important, if you are home 10 hours a day on the couch watching television while your kids are outside playing then yes, you have very poor "quality" in your time at home..
But by the same token, I believe that the notion of "quality time" was developed by baby boomers who wanted to justify working 60 hours a week. I have two kids, neither of them made an appointment with me to take their first step, say their first word, hit their first home run, get in their first fight, get their heart broken by a mean boy, or whatever.. these things just happen and if you don't have enough "quantity" then odds are you won't be there when they do happen, I don't care if you had planned to take them to Dairy Queen and to play putt putt golf on Saturday...... so while I agree that quality is important, so is quantity.
yebat' Putin
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I agree, sometimes the "quality vs. quantity" route is taken to justify a work schedule that may only be necessary to provide material things that a family could honestly live without. But I don't think that's the case here.
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Well, I think it's all kind of related.
How much "quality" can you really possibly have if the "quantity" is so minimal?
IMO, the 2 or 3 hours a day that the original poster mentioned is plenty of time to get good "quality" time in.
I am unfamiliar with this feeling of optimism
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Quote:
Well, I think it's all kind of related.
How much "quality" can you really possibly have if the "quantity" is so minimal?
IMO, the 2 or 3 hours a day that the original poster mentioned is plenty of time to get good "quality" time in.
I agree. If you get home between 6 and 7 pm, like a lot of working professionals, then the kids, depending on age, go to be between 9 and 11 (for older kids).. then you are going to get 2-3 hours..
yebat' Putin
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Do your kids do drugs, smoke, steal, or vandalize? If they have a good sense of right and wrong, respect others and their property, and are active in their own lives, you're doing the right thing. Don't forget that some parenting is setting the example for them to follow. Other than that, I'd say the best person to ask would be your wife, to see if the kids complain about your absences.
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A couple of thoughts here:
You are studying for a teachers license. When that is done - 1 yr? 2 years? - that frees up some additional time as well, correct?
Short term loss for long term gain is just a fact of life.
What do you do with those 2 or 3 hours per night? Helping with homework, playing a game or 2, depending on the kids ages reading to them, having them read to you - those things add up - and it doesn't have to be for the full 2 or 3 hours. Just knowing "dad is home" is a big plus for kids - seeing that "dad is involved with me" is a huge plus.
Just as important, if not more important, is what kind of time do you spend with your wife? Why? Because the best ongoing gift a father can give his kids - or a mother for that matter - is for the kids to grow up in a loving environment. For you, loving your wife and showing it will help your kids as much as anything. (of course you have to be involved with them - no doubt). But for kids, knowing they come from a home where mom and dad are on the same page, and love each other - the dividends are immense.
For the kids, growing up in a safe, loving, secure home is almost as important as anything, in my opinion.
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Also, it's important to protect your kids from ghosts. 
I am unfamiliar with this feeling of optimism
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Something I forgot - if you're doing the best you can to further yourself but also spend time with your kids and wife, knowing it will pay dividends in the future - do it.
Don't become a father that "gives in" in order to make up for lost time if that makes sense. Discipline is important. Not spanking, etc - but rules. I was never easy on my son. I was never rude or mean to him. I was fair. "Here are the rules, here are the penalties. And boy, I have your back if I know the situation and it warrants it."
He's never yet told me that he appreciated it - but he's told my wife (his step mom) "I'm glad dad was like he was". I only mention that because after I got divorced, I had him almost every weekend, but hardly ever during the week. When he chose to move in with us at age 12 - the time I had with him improved - but he left only 6 years later for college. One thing never changed - the rules. He appreciated it.
His friends make fun of him now because when he's asked to do something or go somewhere - his first reply is "I have to see how much money I have because my student loan payments are due...."
It's not the amount of time, it's the quality of time, combined with the example you set - and that's all prefaced on having a safe, secure environment to grow up in.
Kids are amazing - they can deal with a lot - as long as they know they don't have to deal with it by themselves.
Same with my daughter - we were gone for 6 days. She stayed with grandma. I told her last night "time for bed", and she groused and complained. "Grandma let me stay up later....."
I said that's fine, I'm not grandma, I'm dad. You go to bed at 9.
6 days of not seeing my daughter. We missed her basketball tournament, we missed her. I couldn't wait to get home to see her. But the rules didn't change.
Hope that stuff makes sense to you.
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Quote:
Also, it's important to protect your kids from ghosts.
Nice to see you're following along.
Check your pm's in a bit - just a story behind my story. Nothing bad or mean or anything like that.
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I don't know, last time I read about it, I couldn't get to sleep that night!
I am unfamiliar with this feeling of optimism
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Quote:
Do your kids do drugs, smoke, steal, or vandalize? If they have a good sense of right and wrong, respect others and their property, and are active in their own lives, you're doing the right thing. Don't forget that some parenting is setting the example for them to follow. Other than that, I'd say the best person to ask would be your wife, to see if the kids complain about your absences.
I agree Eric.
I am old school.
I think kids need a Father later on when the nurturing is more or less over and you need someone to keep the kid in line.
Sorry gals, but dad pointing a finger in Jr's forehead is different from Mom doing so.
Mom's impact the first 10 years....Dads the next ten.
Here is how it works....simply from a animal basis.
A soon as a male child feels he can dominate his mother, he does...it's in the genes.
Not that he would ever beat her up or anything, but is is unspoken....it's there. He goes his way.
With a father around....again, it is unspoken or wouldn't be done, but most Dad's can kick the crap out of their 15 year old, so it keeps them in line for a few more years..
This isn't putting Moms down,,Dads downs......just the way it is IMO
If everybody had like minds, we would never learn. GM Strong
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I think you're right, 'Peen. I respect my mom as much as I can respect anyone, but I knew somewhat early that I could take advantage of things with her. She just was more sympathetic, lenient.
With my Dad, I felt like I would NEVER get away with anything, so I didn't even try.
Like you said, it's not a bad thing. It's just the way it is.
That all being said, no matter if it was mom or dad, the worst thing I could have ever done was disappoint my parents. I could handle them yelling at me or knocking me around (when I deserved it), but the worst punishment I ever got was when they both looked at me and said, very quietly, "we're disappointed in you."
Needless to say, that only happened once (and it was a relatively minor offense of not getting very good grades because I didn't try very hard).
I am unfamiliar with this feeling of optimism
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It was interesting, I could manipulate my mom more as a teenager .. the goal was to find that point where she caught on and got dad involved and I learned to stop right before I got to that point. I see this is my own family but my mom (and my wife) have 1000 rules. Do this, don't eat that, don't go over there, don't wear that with those, it was non-stop... my dad (and I) have very few rules but the ones we have are very serious. Don't disrespect your elders, take your education seriously, don't do drugs, don't drink and drive, and if you play practical jokes, don't get caught.... and if you do get caught, I don't know you.
yebat' Putin
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Joined: Sep 2006
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Hall of Famer
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Hall of Famer
Joined: Sep 2006
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It was the opposite in our house. We could get away with so much more with Dad. He wasn't around as much and didn't pick up on the warning signs that my sis and I were up to something. Mom knew those signs and she had a temper (she liked to yell). Plus, Dad was (and still is) a big ole softie. The only time we feared Dad was if Mom decided we needed to be spanked. Dad's hand was much harder than Mom's (and Mom's still hurt like hell). But those were rare instances. We weren't spanked a lot. Mom would say "just wait til your Dad gets home and I tell him what you did" we knew that meant a butt-whoopin'. We had to do something REALLY bad for that to happen though. And I mean really bad, or else Mom took care of it.
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Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 2,224
Dawg Talker
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Dawg Talker
Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 2,224 |
Quote:
I see this is my own family but my mom (and my wife) have 1000 rules. Do this, don't eat that, don't go over there, don't wear that with those, it was non-stop... my dad (and I) have very few rules but the ones we have are very serious. Don't disrespect your elders, take your education seriously, don't do drugs, don't drink and drive, and if you play practical jokes, don't get caught.... and if you do get caught, I don't know you.
This. Good lord ... this.
There are no sacred cows.
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Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 15,015
Legend
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Legend
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 15,015 |
jc.
I was raised in a single parent home, where my mother worked 2-3 jobs to keep a roof over our head and food on the table. it was the 70's and early 80's with no child support coming in. My mom did what she had to do.
But I had aunts and uncles that lived nearby that I would spend most of my time at their houses with my cousins, who were my best friends growing up. They were very instrumental in instilling values into me as much as any parent. My father took my sister and I on occasional weekends until I was about 7, then I didn't hear from him again until I was 14 or 15.
In the situation I was in I was expected to take care of myself for day to day needs. And learned responsibility early on in life. Mom kept up with my school work, and what I was doing, sometimes through the grapevine. But she also had an open door policy, and the company she worked at was cool about me dropping in (She worked in the town I grew up and I could ride my bike there at anytime).
I was mowing lawns and shoveling snow by the time I was 10 or 11, and buying my own extras (bicycles, records, toys). I became a Plain Dealer carrier for 2 routes when I was 13. I learned the value of hard work from my mother, and giving your best effort at all times.
It wasn't until later in life that I really got an understanding of the sacrifices my mom made so my sister and I could have a comfortable childhood. And I respect her for it. I also don't know if I would change anything. I am who I am because of all of it. I learned to be independent and responsible early on.
I never felt abandoned, alone, neglected or anything. It just was what it was. We lived in a small town, so the fears of a bigger city were not present where we were, and I couldn't go more than 10 houses without knowing the kids and/or adults living there.
So I don't always feel it is quality or quantity TIME, as much as knowing your loved, and being taught that you are held accountable for your actions.
We don't have to agree with each other, to respect each others opinion.
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Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 30,825
Legend
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Legend
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 30,825 |
Quote:
j
So I don't always feel it is quality or quantity TIME, as much as knowing your loved, and being taught that you are held accountable for your actions.
And, once again, someone else said what I was trying to say - except they said it much better.
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Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 664
All Pro
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OP
All Pro
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 664 |
After much input from several people here with more life experience than I, I have decided to stay the course. I'm going to continue to push for my dreams. I love this game. I think this game is a wonderful tool to help reach out and better young men. I think this world is slowly losing men with true character. Through football, I can help combat this and make a difference. I feel that's my calling in life.
With that being said, I have vowed to my family that I will set and follow a strict schedule that includes QUALITY family time every single day of the week. If that means going to bed later and getting up earlier so I can get the game film study in, so be it. I'll sleep when I'm dead.
I have talked to the head coach of my current team, and he has encouraged me to bring my son to practices as long as he's capable of keeping himself busy. That in itself will teach my son lessons that he will never forget.
Thanks again for all the input. I may not ever become a great head coach and worlds greatest dad/husband, but I'm going to fight like hell to make them all happen!
"The Browns are a club contenders probably don't want to face right now. Their physicality cannot be questioned."
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Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 30,825
Legend
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Legend
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 30,825 |
And as long as your wife supports this - have at it! Don't half ass it.
Best of luck to you!
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DawgTalkers.net
Forums DawgTalk Tailgate Forum Balancing Career Goals and Family
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