I've mentioned in the last few posts I've made that two people very close to me died in a very short time. A span that felt like a snap of the fingers waking me up, jarring, but incomprehensible in the first few groggy blinks of morning.
I spent a lot of time alone, in airport bars, on planes, in cars, alone thinking.
And at some point, I started doing cocaine, something I haven't danced with or glanced at in over ten years. Something that almost destroyed me once.
Something that threatens to do so again.
I've stayed away for two days now, which is enough time to provide clarity as to why its insane, but also enough to want to scratch an itch.
Addiction has nothing to do with what type of person you are, or how smart you are, or how talented you are, or etc., etc., etc.
Remember that the next time you're faced with someone who is dealing with that type of thing.
I've probably been Josh Gordon's biggest critic on this board, and i kind of want to take that back now.
(But not Johnny. I didn't like him because he's not suited for the NFL :p)
Anyway...I like my anonymity...but I don't know where else to say this to other human beings right now except here.
We are all human with our own addictions, and I strongly believe that. We are all susceptible and vulnerable to our own vices, whether that be drugs, alcohol, exercise, or even work.
It's how our brains are wired and it's almost unexplainable.
It takes a lot to be that forthright, and I'll pray for your health and welfare
"First down inside the 10. A score here will put us in the Super Bowl. Cooper is far to the left as Njoku settles into the slot. Moore is flanked out wide to the right. Chubb and Ford are split in the backfield as Watson takes the snap ... Here we go."
Wow dude, that took some courage. I don't know what to say other than this. I don't know what your first frend died of, but your second friend (I know you don't need reminding, I hope) died of an overdose.
Like you said, it almost destroyed you once. Don't let it have a secnd chance at it.
WE DON'T NEED A QB BEFORE WE GET A LINE THAT CAN PROTECT HIM my two cents...
Been dealing with my own addiction problems this year. It's tough. Sometimes I think it gets easier as time passes, but other days make me think I'm foolish for having hope.
I know it's not the same thing, but a buddy of mine has this fear of flying and wicked altitude sickness (and both are new to him in the past few years). Unfortunately, his favorite pastime is skiing. We just went to Vail on our annual guys trip. Each morning he'd wake up on the verge of vomiting and in cold sweats. He'd force himself out knowing he feels better as the day goes on. Every run made him feel ~7% better (at least that's how I figured it out). We'd get done with a run and I'd say, "that's another 7% buddy, let's notch another 7%." By the end of each day, he'd be faster than me.
Again, not the same thing, but focus on every bit that makes you stronger. Notch another 7% every minute, hour, or day.
“...Iguodala to Curry, back to Iguodala, up for the layup! Oh! Blocked by James! LeBron James with the rejection!”
My father died from overdosing on drugs, I know, the pain, the heart ache the regrets first hand. I used to be angry, very angry but now that i am older I understand that sometimes something very small can turn into something very big. I wish i could say so many things to my father but I can't because he made a choice and now I have to live with it.
Just remember that there are people in your life that are looking up to you, and are looking forward to talking to you, they need you. You can't let them down. I know you don't believe in God but my pastor always sad that when ever you are in bad spot just sing gospel and you WILL feel better.
This is the song that helped me in one of the darkest times of my life and gave me strength when I had none. It gave me hope when I gave up. I hope you listen to it and it gives you encouragement.
I've got evidence I've got confidence I'm a conqueror I know that I win I know who I am God wrote it in his plan for me
Oh, Oh-Oh, Oh, Oh, MY NAME IS VICTORY (2X)
God gave me AUTHORITY To conquer THE ENEMY He wrote in MY DESTINY That my name is VICTORY He said that I've OVERCOME I know I've ALREADY WON He wrote in my DESTINY That my name is VICTORY
I have known several people who struggled with addictions. Fortunately, that I know of, none of them have been beaten by that addiction.
I will say that I changed my opinion about addiction and such not that long ago. I have never become addicted to anything, but I did have my medication changed by my doctor a while back. By the 2nd day on this new medication, I went on an emotional roller-coaster, and darn near threw myself out a 2nd story window. Fortunately, in the midst of all of this, I heard a voice. (God's or my own subconscious, you decide for yourself. I know what I believe) This voice told me to call my mom immediately. Fortunately, I did so. She said that I needed to call my doctor, which I also did. My doctor's office would not let me off the phone until my mom got to my house. They told me that I needed to get to the hospital.
I got to the hospital, and they pumped my full of fluids, and also something to help counteract the drug in my system. It was the single most frightening experience of my life.
It wasn't addiction, but it was almost total control by a drug. It was a completely legal drug, one prescribed by my doctor, but it was still a nightmare. I have never felt anything like that before, and I pray that I never do ever again. I was almost completely out of control, and easily could have been a story on the 6 o'clock news. It changed my mind on the impact drugs can have on the human mind. It really did change my mind on how a substance could so severely impact a person's mind, and what they think, and do. I thank God every day that He pulled me through that.
You said that you invited a demon back into your life after you had managed to hold at bay for a long time. The great thing is that you know that you can beat this demon on a daily basis. It took a completely horrible set of circumstances to force you back into using that drug. The great thing is that you know that you have defeated it enough to hold it at bay for a long time.
I hope that you have a support system that you can turn to for help with this problem. Have you gone to a help group for those who fight the same battle you face? I would think that it would be better to have that support behind you as you fight this fight. Have you talked to your family and friends about this? A burden that is shared is a burden that is lighter.
You and I have disagreed on a great number of things, but I absolutely hope for your complete recovery, and victory over this problem. I also know that you don't believe in it, but I am going to pray for you, and will continue to pray for you. I think that prayer can work miracles, and even you have to admit that it can't possibly hurt.
Once more, I hope that you have someone you can reach out to if the temptation returns and seems to hard for you to withstand. If you don't feel that you have anyone you can reach out to, I am sure than many here would be willing to do whatever they can to help you. If there is no one else, let me know and I'll give you my number if you feel that you need someone to talk to. Please get whatever help you can get wherever you are now, and please, reach out to your friends for help. I think that we all respect your willingness to tell us about this, and I am sure that your friends will feel the same way. They will also want to help you.
Micah 6:8; He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God.
John 14:19 Jesus said: Because I live, you also will live.
Been dealing with my own addiction problems this year. It's tough. Sometimes I think it gets easier as time passes, but other days make me think I'm foolish for having hope.
Be like Da Hamma young man. I will pray for you also.
“To announce that there must be no criticism of the President, or that we are to stand by the President, right or wrong, is not only unpatriotic and servile, but is morally treasonable to the American public.”
PDR... Get rid of that stuff right now... don't think about it..don't contemplate doing it... just stay the hell away from it...
The loss of the 2 people who were close to you might have saddened you and put you in a place where you felt alone . But the place that stuff is going to put you is a hell of a lot worse... YOU know you have a good life ahead of you..NOTHING can bring yourself down but Yourself...and only you can put yourself in a better place...
Now put yourself in that better life... start now.. be strong... we are all here for you...
You had a weak moment... now move on put it behind you please...
Hey, don't let yourself get to far off your path of sobriety, while you might have had a little hiccup in your years of being clean, it's important to understand that you recognized that you were straying from your sobriety, and you took the steps to get back on the str8 and narrow....
I know the temptation, as I found myself straying a bit in recent days as well.....though my addiction was opiates, namely, heroin, and I found myself using all through February after dealing with a very traumatic new year....
More specifically, my gf is still fighting stage IV throat cancer, I totaled my automobile in an accident, and my neighbor, one of my close friends step dad, who was like another father to me; he inexplicably went missing, and was found murdered several weeks later, bludgeoned to death for no frigging reason whatsoever.....
It was enough to push me right over the edge and off the path, the important thing is that you recognize it, and do something about it.....
I realized a little late and saw a lot of progress evaporate in front of me, as I burned through what little savings I had built up while trying to care for my ailing gf....and really hurt her in the process as I had to step away from her to spend the past couple weeks forcing myself through withdrawal so I can once again get healthy enough to care for her on a daily basis without that awful monkey on my back....
Yea, I know the struggle very well pdr, just be thankful you recognized where you were headed and stopped yourself before you got too far off the path....
PDR, God bless you. Please know there is tremendous respect for you and your words. Thanks for sharing your issue. I, for one, am honored to be part of your "let's get confessional".
You seem to know what you have to do since you've been there done that.
In the words of Theodore Roosevelt, "Do what you can, with what you have, where you are."
This day is a beautiful room that has never been seen before. Open the door.........
I rarely open up much about my personal life on the board. At least not deeply personal, but now may be the time.
I can honestly say that I've never had a physical addiction to drugs or alcohol. I dabbled with most drugs when I was younger, including cocaine. Smoked weed for over three decades and was a heavy drinker for a long time. But as time passed I simply lost my interest in such things. The desire to do them simply decreased in a natural way. The desire disappeared.
But addiction has had a dramatic impact on my life. I once had a brother, yes had, who developed very strong addictions. Being an addict he gravitated towards other addicts. So he met, dated and married another addict. They had two children together. My brother was 10 years younger than me.
First, his wife overdosed leaving my brother with two young children. This was a very troubling time for my entire family knowing these two children would grow up without a mother. Around the time these boys were 12 and 14, my brother overdosed leaving these children without parents.
And just a few short months ago, the oldest boy, who was then 20, also died from an overdose. So out of a family of four, three have already died by overdosing on drugs. The younger brother, who just turned 19, is currently in jail and has been for some time now. He was raised by his aunt in a rural area and graduated high school. As soon as he was old enough to leave and hang out with his brother, he too began to use on a regular basis. We have no idea how his life will turn out when he gets out of jail. But I believe you can see just how much addiction has impacted my life.
But the bigger point in all of this is the impact and ramification death can have on us all. You see, my dad died before I turned 40. It was proof positive to me how differently such an impact can make. The effect his death had on me was a catalyst. In order to honor the death of my father, it inspired me to try to be a better person. To be the man he was and someone he would be very proud of and would admire. While I believe he held these views already, it simply inspired me to do better.
My brother who died from an overdose had the opposite reaction. My father's death caused him to feel pity, doubt and fall much deeper into the addiction that slowly lead to his death.
So it appears you are at such a crossroads. You have lost two people in your life. Make no mistake, the choice is yours here. To allow bitterness and pity, sadness and sorrow, to rule your life which could cause you to be just another statistic. Or look at their life, learn from that and use their death as a positive in your life. Let's face it, there is nothing positive about the way they died or positive about the impact it will make unless you make it a positive. And isn't that what they would want for you?
From my perspective, to allow this situation to destroy your life, in no way honors the death of your friends. Quite the opposite in fact. It's only a continuation of devastation in the life of your own family and friends. Do you really want to put the rest of your friends and your own family through what you yourself just had to endure? Because those are your choices. I've lived it.
Now some of this may sound pretty harsh. But the truth and the consequences of that truth are as harsh as it gets. So now the choice is yours. Get the help you need to be victorious over this blight known as addiction, or continue the path of destruction that will not only have a huge negative impact on yourself ending in death, but also a huge loss, sadness and sorrow on everyone who knows and loves you as well.
You're a smart guy, I think you know which way to go from here.
Intoducing for The Cleveland Browns, Quarterback Deshawn "The Predator" Watson. He will also be the one to choose your next head coach.
Not trying to horn in on your significant trials Pit, but I believe you have just shown how addiction is often a health issue more than a behavior issue.
Some are able to dabble and escape. Other are not. Both choices are behaviors, but addiction goes beyond behavior.
The fact that your family had a generation lost to it shows the effect of environment. The brains of children raised in particular environments often become altered as a coping mechanism. They become desensitized to certain behaviors and often create ways to "normalize" their experiences.
Addiction is a health issue and should not be something that shame prevents seeking treatment.
Nobody should be ashamed of addiction or be shamed because of it. That would only hinder the likelihood and ability of addicts to come forward with the problem and get the help addicts so desperately need.
Intoducing for The Cleveland Browns, Quarterback Deshawn "The Predator" Watson. He will also be the one to choose your next head coach.
Hey Phil - I recall reading your post recently where you admitted to a former problem with cocaine. So I'm wondering if maybe somebody helped you through it at that time - a professional counselor or a trusted friend. And if maybe you should call that person again, asap. I don't usually offer unsolicited advice because it seems presumptuous, but you have people that value you here - including me - and we don't want to see anything bad happen to you. Please think about it.
I can only offer my experience, I too battled addition to coke, lived with a dealer so it was readily available and relatively cheap.
I spent over two years living in what we lovingly called the underbelly of society... held steady jobs and spent what money we made on drugs, alcohol and women... frankly we considered it the good life.
Then one Sunday morning I awoke to realize I had spent over $700 shooting coke ...that was dealer costs so probably close to 1500 to 2000 to most.... It started sometime Friday night.
It was at that time... I guess I had what you call an epiphany and I decided to change... I went cold turkey... Bam my coke use was over...
Prior to that IMO, no amount of outside intervention, no one could have convinced me to stop... it had to come from inside... it was all about want to. I did not become a saint... I still smoked, I still chased women, I still lived with my dealer and friends and went to bars.
That was 30 years ago... I still get cravings... hell when I have blood taken I have flashbacks, I get the itch. Every computer monitor I have had D-724 on it... the first initial of the woman that kicked off my spiral and the dollars I spent when it ended
all I know is that somewhere inside, it has to come from there, is what it takes to walk away, I believe you have it, I believe we all have it, I am no stronger than anyone else.. I just knew what I wanted.
I think you want the same or else your story would not have been shared...so I implore you to look deep inside... the strength is there my friend... you WILL find it...
There is no one event to turn too, there is more than one way and the future is not written in stone.
Decide today to write your future. PM me if you need someone to talk to
Full disclosure.... I've worked in the foodservice industry for well over 20 years now. When I was in my 20's, it was customary to have a few drink after the shift to "wind down." A few years later, it was the only way to get my joints to stop hurting enough to go to bed. Currently, I know that I am a full blown alcoholic (I pass out on the couch on a near nightly basisi) who barely makes it through a day to welcome vodka into my poor liver. I know that my behavior is probably going to kill me. However, I can't stop and haven't been strong enough to ask for help. Thank you, PDR. You may have saved my life with this post as well. Soon, I will go ask for help so that I can watch my kids grow up.
Interesting post from one of the more interesting posters on here . Every time I fly ( which is often for work ) I close my eyes and smile a little bit knowing that it wouldn't matter to me if things turned bad . I take risks that normal people don't , push limits all the time and have developed the most amazing apathetic point of view . My worst fear is outliving my wife . Only fear in fact . That kind of pain destroys everything that was once good .
Full disclosure.... I've worked in the foodservice industry for well over 20 years now. When I was in my 20's, it was customary to have a few drink after the shift to "wind down." A few years later, it was the only way to get my joints to stop hurting enough to go to bed. Currently, I know that I am a full blown alcoholic (I pass out on the couch on a near nightly basisi) who barely makes it through a day to welcome vodka into my poor liver. I know that my behavior is probably going to kill me. However, I can't stop and haven't been strong enough to ask for help. Thank you, PDR. You may have saved my life with this post as well. Soon, I will go ask for help so that I can watch my kids grow up.
Man, I didn't see this.
Please go talk to someone. You can beat this, but it is much harder to do so on your own.
I will make the same offer to you. I don't know what I can do, but if you feel you need someone on the "outside" to talk to, let me know.
I pray that the Lord helps you to win the battle against this demon.
Micah 6:8; He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God.
John 14:19 Jesus said: Because I live, you also will live.
I've mentioned in the last few posts I've made that two people very close to me died in a very short time. A span that felt like a snap of the fingers waking me up, jarring, but incomprehensible in the first few groggy blinks of morning.
I spent a lot of time alone, in airport bars, on planes, in cars, alone thinking.
And at some point, I started doing cocaine, something I haven't danced with or glanced at in over ten years. Something that almost destroyed me once.
Something that threatens to do so again.
I've stayed away for two days now, which is enough time to provide clarity as to why its insane, but also enough to want to scratch an itch.
Addiction has nothing to do with what type of person you are, or how smart you are, or how talented you are, or etc., etc., etc.
Remember that the next time you're faced with someone who is dealing with that type of thing.
I've probably been Josh Gordon's biggest critic on this board, and i kind of want to take that back now.
(But not Johnny. I didn't like him because he's not suited for the NFL :p)
Anyway...I like my anonymity...but I don't know where else to say this to other human beings right now except here.
Thanks for reading if you made it this far.
PDR I think it’s great that you're seeking help and not trying to go through your pain alone. God said it was not good for man to be alone so he made us women. Then man sinned and messed things up and we lost the true life God intended for us. He saw how much the pain of living caused us so he sent his son to us to bring us comfort and certainty.
I can't even imagine loving people enough to make my kids suffer so that they don't have to. I know I would rather die myself then to let them ever suffer. God is greater than us though and is always seeking to help us.
"So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall! No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it."
“Be careful or anxious for nothing; but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your request be made known to God; and the peace of God which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.”
“God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.” Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings. And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen."
To all who suffer, rest assured that when you reach that breaking point where you just can't take it anymore God has not abandoned you. Get down on your knees and pray with all of your heart for God to ease your pain and to remove your temptation and he will.
Pray like your life depends on it and not a half lazy effort. Be sincere and humble. Sometimes we are giving pain and suffering that is more than we can bear so that we will stop looking down at our own two feet and instead look up from the pits of darkness to see the light.
Get down on your knees and pray with your full heart seeking God. Then look up with open and innocent eyes and he will be there to comfort and guide you. It doesn't matter if you’re saved or not. God your father will hear your cries and like any good father will swoop in to save you. You just need to ask him to.
I know from personal experience that it works. The pain does not always go away but I have gained rest from it long enough to keep going on and make it to that next day. You pray. You make it to the next day. You pray some more. Then another day goes by. You keep praying. Eventually enough days will go by that the pain begins to fade and the temptation wears itself out. Then you pray some more and finally a new dawn rises and your OK. Not great but OK. Sometimes feeling OK in a very bad situation is good enough to get you through it.
One day at a time brother that's all we can do. Let’s get through it together. Here are two songs that I find help me get through tough days.
You can't fix stupid but you can destroy ignorance. When you destroy ignorance you remove the justifications for evil. If you want to destroy evil then educate our people. Hate is a tool of the stupid to deal with what they can't understand.
Don't really want to talk, but the response has meant a lot, and you all deserve that much.
WVDawg54 - that not only made me cry, but gave the strength to grit my teeth and bare it in that 15 minutes-24 hours we all need to grind through.
I would suggest talking to the kids you want to quit drinking for about why drinking has been the Kryponite to their Superman.
Batman was always more interesting to me than Superman because he was vulnerable and damaged, but was still just as brave as the perfect Superman when he was called for
Don't really want to talk, but the response has meant a lot, and you all deserve that much.
WVDawg54 - that not only made me cry, but gave the strength to grit my teeth and bare it in that 15 minutes-24 hours we all need to grind through.
I would suggest talking to the kids you want to quit drinking for about why drinking has been the Kryponite to their Superman.
Batman was always more interesting to me than Superman because he was vulnerable and damaged, but was still just as brave as the perfect Superman when he was called for
YES!!! It is a good day, one day at a time. Keep up the good fight PDR!
march 22 i will celebrate 25 years of sobriety. it is a very special milestone for me. in that time i have lost some VERY close loved ones and influential people in my life and actually lost everything i owned and had to start over again. i dealt with each and every situation with only the tools i was given early in my sobriety. i've only made it this long by living one day at a time. god i used to hate that cliche to tears but it's the one cliche that has brought me this far. god bless and keep coming back.
tradition can only carry you so far, then you have to start winning again.
![[Linked Image]](http://www.dawgtalkers.net/uploads/Punchsmack/punch.gif)
) I have a new found respect for who you are and what you've been through.
hang in there