DawgTalkers.net Forums DawgTalk Everything Else... The joke thread!

Don't know if this has ever been done.

But how about a thread where we all can post jokes that we've heard (even old ones you like).

Board appropriate jokes that is

#1 - A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. He sits down and the bar tender comes over and says "Hey you know you've got a steering wheel in your pants?" and the pirate sighs for a moment and replies "argghhh I know and it's driving me nuts".

#2 - Helen Keller walks into a bar....and then a chair, and then a stool.

#3 - My grandfather has the heart of a lion.....as well as a lifetime ban from the zoo.

Funny Facebook status I once posted:

"My girlfriend bought an electronic can opener for our apartment the other day. This is actually pretty great cause now I can easily open a can of whoop ass anytime I want."

Let's keep it going!

Two elderly men were playing a round of golf and were on the 18th green. One of them was in the process of lining up his putt when a funeral procession appeared on the road that runs along the hole. The golfer stood, removed his hat and bowed his head until the entire procession was out of sight. Then, without a word, replaced his hat and went back to lining up his putt.

His friend said, "Wow, George. That was one of the most moving gestures I have ever seen."

George replied, "Well, hell, we were married for over 50 years."

A great dane walks into a bar and calls to the bartender,

"I'll have a scotch and ……………….. water."

The bartender looks at the dane and says, "why the long pause?"

"These?" he asks, looking down at his feet.

"I've had them all my life".

I heard that Wal-Mart is giving away dead batteries...free of charge!

Blonde walks into the ER complaining of chest pains. The attending Doctor gives her a complete exam.

Doctor: Miss, you have acute angina.

Blonde: I know that Doc, but is there anything wrong with my heart?

Three friends -- two straight guys and a gay guy -- and their significant others were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned, and next thing you know, they're standing before St. Peter.

First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly. "I can't let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny."

Then came the second straight guy. "Sorry, can't let you in, either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!"

The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously, "It doesn't look good, Dick."

The dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa.

So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere.

Some of these jokes have me laughing out loud! Just in case you couldn't hear me.

Some of them. Your joke sucked, though.

You are supposed to wait till after I tell one.

And here I thought you were trying to be sarcastically obtuse.

Quick somebody tell another joke!

Two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.

Bubba goes in first, and the professor advises him to take math, history and logic.

"What's logic?" asked Bubba.

The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed-whacker?"

"I sure do," answered the redneck.

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.

"That's real good," the redneck responded in awe.

The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also have a house."

Impressed, the redneck shouted, "AMAZING!"

"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."

"Betty Mae! This is incredible!"

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.

"You're absolutely right! Why, that's the most fascinating thing I ever heard of! I can't wait to take this here logic class."

Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where Cooter waswaiting.

"So, what classes are ya takin?" he asks.

"Math, history and logic," replies Bubba.

Cooter asks, "What's logic?"

"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed-eater?"

"No."

"You're gay, ain't ya?"

My wife and I were having a serious discussion one day. I told her that if I died, I wanted her to sell all my stuff.

Wife: Why do you want me to sell all your stuff.
Me: I don't want some jackass using it.
Wife: What makes you think I'd marry another jackass?

It is always hard to explain metaphors to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar. It was tense.

What if soy milk was just regular milk trying to introduce itself in spanish?

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

The short fortune teller that escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

I have friends that are married. One is a dentist, the other a manicurist. They fight tooth and nail.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you can get repossessed.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

A guy walks into a bar with a 12-inch pianist.....



....on second thought, this one might not be board appropriate.

Husband heaven had 2 lines at the gates. One line for hen pecked husbands and another for non-henpecked.

The henpecked line was completely full and the other line had one husband.

St. Peter asked him why he was in that line and he said, "I don't know. My wife told me to stand here".

2 guys walk into a bar and the third one ducks.

You guys read the new anti-gravity book? I can't put it down...

Why did the boy blush when he opened the refrigerator door? Because he saw the salad dressing.

Why did the car blush when driving through a traffic light? Because he saw it changing.

Topical:

"Miley Cyrus can pose naked with a farm pig and it's okay. Whenever I pose naked with a farm pig I get kicked out of the petting zoo. What's with that, America!?"

there was a fisherman named Fisher

who fished for some fish in a fissure

till a fish with a grin

pulled the fisherman in

now they’re fishing the fissure for Fisher

That is just cold Mr...

Mahatma Gandhi was a unique individual. He walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that soles of his feet became tough as shoe leather. He often went on hunger strikes, and even when he wasn't on a hunger strike, he did not eat much, and became quite thin and frail. He also was a very spiritual person. Finally, because he didn't eat much and when he did his diet was peculiar, he developed very bad breath.

He became known as a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis

A skeleton walks into a bar, and says to the bartender: "Hey, bartender... gimme a beer- and a mop."

I began to read it and immediately starting cracking up! Brilliant!

Kelso you came up with a fantastic thread. Congrats.

Have I ever told you guys about the three holes in the ground?


well, well, well

St. Peter was directed to interview the folks that showed up at the Pearly Gates, to find out about their last moments on Earth.

Three guys show up at the same time. St. Peter calls one over and asks him about his last minutes.

"I sneak home from work early because I am convinced my wife is cheating on me. I enter the apartment and there is soft music and candles and she is in a little nightie. I tear the place apart looking for him and can't find him anywhere. Then I see hands holding on to our balcony. I go out there and see him hanging on. I stomp on his hands until he lets go. But he falls through a tree, hits an awning and lands in some bushes. He's still alive! In anger I drag our refrigerator to the balcony and push it off. I guess the strain gave me a heart attack because here I am."

St. Peter shakes his head and sends him along. He calls over the next guy.

"This is embarrassing. I noticed the light was out on my balcony. I climb on the chair to change the bulb and lose my balance. I fall over but managed to grab the ledge of the apartment below me. As I thanking my lucky stars some lunatic comes outside and stomps on my hands. I fall but somehow survive. I am there, laying in some bushes thinking about how lucky I am when out of nowhere a refrigerator lands on me."

St. Peter waves the man through and calls the last one over. He asks him what happened.

"Get this, I am naked and hiding in a refrigerator ..."

Why did the Cowboy chose a Dachshund as a pet?

Because he always wanted to get a long little doggie

Knock Knock...

Whose there?

Daisy...

Daisy who?

Daisy me rollin'....they hatin'....

Knock Knock?

Whose there...?

Little old lady...

Little old lady who?

I didn't know you could yodel!


Why did the policeman stink so bad? Because he was on DUTY.


A sandwich walks into a bar and sits down and looks at the menu. The bartender comes up and says "sorry but we don't serve food here".


Corny...I know

I knew this young man who lost an eye in a terrible accident.
They tried to give him a glass eye but they all looked so fake
and ugly, he just couldn't bare it.

His Doctor, who enjoyed wood working in his spare time took it
upon himself to craft an eye made of wood for the young man.
When he showed him the wooden eye, the kid was surprised how
natural it looked and had it put in. It was the best eye he had
seen but he was still very self-conscious of the eye and became
very shy.

He refused to date anyone due to his fear of someone noticing his eye.
I eventually convinced him to go to a school dance. I told him to just
pick out the ugliest girl he could find and ask her to dance, making him feel less self-conscious of his eye.

The young man went to the dance but stood in a corner most of the night, too afraid to chance any embarrassment when he observed a girl, standing in another corner by herself. The poor thing had a large cleft lip that had never been repaired. He thought to himself this was it! I will ask her to dance!

He nervously approached the girl and smiled at her saying "Would you like to dance?" The girl excitedly said "Would I, Would I!" To which the horrified young man shouted "Hare Lip, Hare Lip!!!"

Why can't a baby duck lay eggs?

It's quack's to little.

Back in February I asked my daughter if she had school on Presidents day, she said she didn't. Then I asked if she knew what President's day was about and she said she did. I was expecting some information on Lincoln, Washington, and Jefferson... so I said, tell me what it's about. And she said, that's the day that the President walks out of the White House and if he see's his shadow, we get 6 more months of bull.

Thanks for the reads/jokes!

I guess I should contribute something. Hmm... something quick.

What's worse, ignorance or indifference?

I DON'T KNOW AND I DON'T CARE!!

I was waiting for some political jokes to pop their heads out.

This one was funny.

Stephen A. Smith

There were three men in the town who always claimed to be the best. No matter the topic, subject, or competition, each one of them were not shy to proclaim themselves the superior man. As a result, the town decided to hold a competition to settle the issue. Finally the best man would be crowned.

On Sunday at noon the whole town gathered around the three men and the competition was announced. Each man had one week to gather as many ping pong balls as possible. They could go anywhere in the world, by any means necessary, to collect them. Whoever had the most would be deemed the winner. However, they only had one week. They had to return by noon the next Sunday to win.

So the three men took off. Day and night they searched. They went everywhere and exhausted themselves.

At 11:30 the following Sunday the first man appeared with a dump truck and the townspeople were impressed. He bragged and they weighed the cargo. He collected 50,000!

At 11:45 the second man appeared with two dump trucks and the people gasped with excitement. He smiled, waved his fists, and proclaimed his excellence. They weighed the cargo. He had collected 100,000!

The town anxiously awaited the third man. What would he be able to collect? But as noon approached there was doubt ... Until 11:59 when they saw him approach the town. He was exhausted, sweating, and nearly dead. He was carrying two huge, enormous, substantial bags. The town gasped and whispered with wonder, he got to the crowd, dropped the bags, and collapsed in a pool of sweat.

The judges were exhilarated and one man yelled, "My god! How many ping pong balls did you get?!"

The man, exhausted, looked up with bewilderment. "Ping pong balls?!? ... I thought you said King Kong's balls!!"

The week-long national Amateur Poetry Conference was winding down to its last last few hours. As per tradition, the final event was in full swing... a "come one/come all" poetry contest. Each contestant delivered prepared poems on a variety of traditional topics: love, war, Good vs. Evil, the nature of Man's existence, etc. From a list of 150 contestants, the preliminary rounds had culled the number to two- an English Literature doctoral student from Yale, and a redneck from West Virginia.

As the two took the stage for the finals, the MC made an announcement:

"Ladies and gentlemen, you see before you the final two contestants in the annual poetry challenge. They've prevailed against all odds and every one of their competitors. The count is so close, that we've decided to change the format for the final round. Instead of presenting a prepared poem, the contestants will be challenged to construct a poem on-the-spot. The rules are simple: They must construct a poem in strict meter. It must rhyme, and it must contain the 'secret word.' The secret word must appear at the very end of the poem. Extra credit will be given for the most creative word usage, and the last word must NOT be spoken. Speaking the secret word will be the sole province of the audience in attendance. A coin will be tossed to determine which contestant recites first. May the better man win."

The coin was tossed, and the Yale student would go first. The Moderator said: "Sirs... the secret word is.... 'Timbuktu.' "

A gasp was heard throughout the hall... never before had such a dramatic turn of events been encountered. The audience was rapt in their attention. The tension was palpable.

After the mandatory 90 seconds of dead time, he was required to recite the poem he'd created. The Yale grad stood, stiff-backed and confident at the microphone. He cleared his throat, and recited:

"All across the burning sand,
Rode the lonely caravan.
Men on camels, two-by-two-
Destination- ********."

The crowd went wild. No way could the redneck beat this. The Title was in the bag.

The redneck sauntered to the mic. He cleared his throat and recited:

"Me and Tim a-campin' went.
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They was ripe, and we was too,
So I buck one, and ********. "

Today, the National Amateur Poets Society trophy resides in Wheeling.