Since some get so wound up around here how about a few laughs. Post your political jokes.
Three boys walk through the woods and suddenly hear cries for help. They follow the sound to the lake and see George W. Bush drowning. The boys jump into the water and drag him to shore. Bush asks the boys how he can repay them. The first boy says, "I want a boat." The second boy says, "I want a truck." The third boy says, "I want a nice tombstone." Bush asks, "Why is that?" The boy says, "Because when my dad finds out I helped save you, he's going to kill me."
Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road one evening when a pig ran in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn’t. The pig was killed. The President told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened.
About an hour later the driver staggers back to the car with his clothes in total disarray. He was holding a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and smiling happily. “What happened?” asked the President. “Well,” the driver replied “the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar, and their beautiful daughter made mad passionate love to me.” “My God, what did you tell them?” asked the President. The driver replied: “I’m Bill Clinton’s driver, and I just killed the pig.”
Ex-Gov. Jerry Brown walks into a bar with a frog on his head. He sits down and asks for a drink. The bartender sees the frog on his head and says, “What the hell happened to you?” The frog replies, “It all started with a wart on my ass
So an IRS agent arrives at a Hebrew tabernacle for an audit. Because he is a big conservationist he begins hassling the rabbi about whether they are doing enough recycling.
So Rabbi, your church buys a lot of candles. What do you do with all those drippings? Well, the Rabbi says, we collect all those drippings and send them to the candlemaker and every once in a while they send us a box of free candles.
Hmm. The IRS agent is impressed. Well, good. We also notice you order a lot of motzah balls. What do you do with all the crumbs and leftovers. Oh we collect them and send them back to the baker and every once in a while he send us a box of free motzah balls.
Well the IRS agent was not done. We notice you do all lot of circumcisions here. What do you do to properly dispose of the foreskins?. Oh we do not dispose of them. We collect them and send them to the IRS. The IRS!!! Why do you send them to the IRS??? Well, we send them to the IRS and every once in a while they send us a [censored] like you.
Q: What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
A: In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
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A thief stuck a pistol in a man’s ribs and said, “Give me your money.” The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said: “You cannot do this, I’m a United States congressman!” The thief said, “In that case, give me my money!”
One day Jimmy went up to his father and asked, “Daddy, what’s the highest number?”
He replied, “Well, I’m not exactly sure, but I think it’s in the stimulus package.”
Moses was walking down the street when he bumped into George W. Bush. “Hello,” Bush said. “Nice weather we’re having, huh?” Moses took one look at the President, turned, and ran in the other direction.
The next day Moses was walking down the same street and there was Bush. Again he tried to initiate a conversation. Again Moses turned and ran away.
Bush was tired of this bizarre treatment, so the next time Moses ran away from him, Bush followed. When he caught up, he asked Moses what was wrong.
Moses said, “The last time I talked to a bush I spent 40 years in the desert.”
If you dislike my post, why don't you address that with me? I know why you think I should just let her call us that without saying anything in response... You didn't like Biden dropping the big D on the fascists either. Yep, reDtards. That's the new name Eve has earned for right-wing extremists. You can thank her later, and that ain't a joke; reDtards are the only joke in politics today because the crap they are pulling is not remotely funny.
If you dislike my post, why don't you address that with me? I know why you think I should just let her call us that without saying anything in response... You didn't like Biden dropping the big D on the fascists either. Yep, reDtards. That's the new name Eve has earned for right-wing extremists. You can thank her later, and that ain't a joke; reDtards are the only joke in politics today because the crap they are pulling is not remotely funny.
I couldn't give two cents about your post. Some people think they are the white knight that stands before the BS calling it out on both sides, but given a chance always fails to do so.
Libtard and reDtards are jokes, it is cheap name calling.
I addressed the instigators. I don't expect people to sit back and not respond to people. You do? Then so be it.
No you continued to play your silly games. OCD can come in dropping all manner of silliness and when someone responds you are sure there to let them know they are wrong.
You think you are moderate. You think you call out both sides, but in the end you don't, you've shown your colors.
A woman in a hot-air balloon is lost, so she shouts to a man below, "Excuse me. I promised a friend I would meet him, but I don't know where I am." "You're at 31 degrees, 14.57 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude," he replies. "You must be a Democrat." "I am. How did you know?" "Because everything you told me is technically correct, but the information is useless, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've been no help." "You must be a Republican." "Yes. How did you know?" "You've risen to where you are due to a lot of hot air, you made a promise you couldn't keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."
People who want to share their religious or political views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president but get to chose between 50 for Miss America?
Your respect is the last thing that concerns me. You act as if you are so above all of this when in fact you plant yourself firmly in the middle of it. You're no different than I am. Invest in a mirror. You've either missed it or purposefully ignored it. OCD and I have gone around and around concerning several issues on this board. Get a clue.
Well, GM... it was fun while it lasted. Thanks for your efforts. I tried to help out, as did any number of others.
Hey- it lasted 10 days. Frankly, it's longer than I'd expected. BUT- all time frames aside, it did go exactly as I expected it.
Coming up with jokes in a charged atmosphere like we have today requires a little extra effort. It requires extrta effort to find the humor. It requires extra effort to share the humor. And it requires extra effort (on the part of all) to appreciate the humor, with all contributors/contestants agreeing to play the game within the established framework.
Bruh- You were never gonna ever be able to 'herd these cats' into a fun thread that lasted more than one or two pages. Never.
But I love the idea.
As we've now seen, it didn't take too long for a fun idea to turn itself to the usual pile of ButtDropStank that we so often find at this address.
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So... Imma pull out the defibrillator, administer three rounds of 360 joules, and continue applying chest compressions:
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" The dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mother, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her The Government. We're both here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you The People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him The Future. Now, think about that, and see if that makes sense." The little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that his baby brother has soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks through the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the working class, The Government is sound asleep, The People are being ignored... and The Future is in deep [censored]."
I have never been the sharped knife in the crayon box Clem But I am damn persistent.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common: they should both be changed regularly… and for the same reason.
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter: "Want coffee." The waiter says, "Sure Chief. Coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee..... The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out. The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter: "Want coffee." The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?" The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Training for position in United States Congress. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, Disappear for rest of day."
When an unpopular President completed his presidency, he wanted a special postage stamp issued with his picture on it. He stressed that it should be of international quality. The stamps were duly released and the former President was pleased. But within a couple of days of release of the stamp, he began hearing complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly, and he was furious. So he ordered an investigation into the matter. The investigator checked the problem out at several post offices, and then reported to the former President. The results revealed that there was nothing wrong with the quality of the stamp. The problem was that people were spitting on the wrong side.
Congressman should wear uniforms like NASCAR drivers so we can identify their corporate sponsors.
"Because it would be hilarious," is probably not a good reason to elect someone to be president.
Bill Clinton, George W. Bush, and George Washington are on a sinking ship. As the boat sinks, George Washington heroically shouts: “Save the women!” George W. Bush hysterically hollers: “Screw the women!” Bill Clinton asks excitedly: “Do we have time?
After numerous rounds of, "We don't know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send Ted Kennedy a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Kennedy opened the letter which appeared to contain a single line of coded message, 370HSSV-0773H. Kennedy was baffled, so he e-mailed it to John Kerry. Kerry and his aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. Noone could solve it at the FBI, so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA. With no clue as to its meaning, the FBI finally asked Marine Corps Intelligence for help. Within a few seconds the Marine Corps cabled back with this reply, "Tell Kennedy he's holding the message upside down."
A couple heard that they could determine which direction their infant son would go by putting certain objects in front of him to see which ones interested him the most. So they put a Bible, a bottle of whiskey, and a twenty-dollar bill in front of him. The infant grabbed all three. “Oh Lord,” exclaimed his father, “He’s going to be a politician
A man applied for the job of press spokesman for the legislature. When he went for an interview, the interviewer said, “Your application is full of exaggeration, distortion, and lies. Can you come to work Monday
Who was the President who gave the shortest inaugural address (135 words)? Hint: He was also the only President who didn’t blame all of his troubles on the previous administration? George Washington
Two aliens were looking down on our planet from their space craft. The first said, “It seems the dominant life-forms on Earth have developed satellite based weapons.” The second alien asked, “Are they an emerging intelligence?” “I don’t think so,” the first alien replied. “They have the weapons pointed at themselves.
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
What is the real reason the Ten Commandments have been banned from America’s public buildings? It creates a hostile work environment to post Thou shalt not Steal, Thou shalt not Commit Adultery and Thou shalt not Bear False Witness in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians.
The drinking age should be eighteen. When you’re eighteen you’re old enough to vote. You should be old enough to drink. Look who we have to vote for! You need a drink.
Elections are a lot like marriages. There’s no accounting for anyone’s taste. Every time we see a bridegroom we wonder why she picked him. It’s the same with public officials.
Donald Trump goes on a fact-finding visit to Israel. While he is on a tour of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and dies. The undertaker tells the American diplomats accompanying him,"You can have him shipped home for $50,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land, for just $100." The American diplomats go into a corner to discuss for a few minutes. They return with their answer to the undertaker and tell him they want Donald Trump shipped home. The undertaker is puzzled and asks, "Why would you spend $50,000 to ship him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $100?" The American diplomats reply, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can't take the risk
The pentagon said they had too many generals running around, so they decided to get rid of some of them. They offered $10,000 in severance pay for each inch of their body to be measured however they chose. The Air Force general went first. He said he wanted to be measured from his head to his toe. He was 69 inches. He received $690,000. Next up was the Army general. He wanted to be measured from the tip of his finger to the tip of his other finger. It was 80 inches. He received $800,000. The two generals were very happy with their earnings. Finally the Marine general came up. He said he wanted to be measured from the tip of his wiener to the tip of his balls. The man said, "Sir, do you know how much the other generals received?" The general said no. "Sir, they received $690,000 and $800,000 respectively, are you sure that is what you want measured?" The general said, "Just do it!" The man dropped the general's pants and measured his wiener. When he went for the general's balls, they weren't there. The man said, "Sir, where are your balls." The general said, "I left them back in Vietnam."
Hillary Clinton didn't take the loss to Trump very well. So I said to her, Cheer up! At least you won't have to work at the same desk that Monica spent so much time under.
On his deathbed, a lifelong Republican supporter suddenly announced that he was switching to the Democrats. “I can’t believe you’re doing this.” said his friend. “For your entire life you’re been a staunch Republican. Why would you want to become a Democrat now?” “Because I’d rather it was one of them that dies than one of us.
At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. “Isn’t it true,” he bellowed, “that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?” The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn’t heard the question. “Isn’t it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?” the lawyer repeated. The witness still did not respond. Finally, the judge leaned over and said, “Sir, please answer the question.” “Oh,” the startled witness said, “I thought he was talking to you.”
A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the church was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little talk at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited “I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss’s wife; had sex with his boss’s 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity and gave VD to his sister in-law.
I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk: “I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,” said the politician. “In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.”
What do you get it you ask a politician to tell 'the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth'? 3 different answers
A bunch of politicians were on a road trip... ....when their bus rolled over into a ditch. The top collapsed and killed a number of them, leaving the rest to die of their injuries. A farmer was the first on the scene and of course called 911 to report the accident.
About 30 minutes later, the local sheriff rolled up with an ambulance to find the farmer putting the last scoop of dirt on too of a massive hole. No bodies were to be found in the wreckage and the sheriff asked, "What the hell did you do?!"
The farmer wiped his brow and said, "They was dead so I sez to me, 'They deserves a proper burial they does,' so I digs them a grave."
The sheriff said, "There were no survivors? At all?"
The farmer coughs and spits, then says, "Well, one a dem said he's not dead but you knows how dem politicians lie."
A large group of Russian soldiers in the border area last week were moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a small hill: "One Ukrainian soldier is better than ten Russian". The Russian commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the hill where Upon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence. The voice once again calls out: "One Ukrainian is better than one hundred Russian." Furious, the Russian commander sends his next best 100 troops over the hill and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again Silence. The calm Ukrainian voice calls out again: "One Ukrainian is better than one thousand Russians. The enraged Russian commander musters 1000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the hill. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought... Then silence. Eventually one badly wounded Russian fighter crawls back over the hill and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men...it's a trap. There's two of them."
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They will never allow change, even if it makes the world a brighter place.
A politician visited Sex Workers Anonymous in order to get more information about how these women in his community were doing. He meets three poor prostitutes and speaks to them that their lifestyle is hurting them and that depending on how often they were engaged in the business, he would provide them with safe and affordable housing.
The first prostitute says that she hasn’t had a client in two months, and being impressed, he gives her the keys to her own two bedroom apartment. The second prostitute says she hasnt seen a client in one month, and so he gives her the keys to a studio apartment. The third prostitute says she still sees clients, and so he gives her the keys to his room.
The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and which ever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms. The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it. When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog. The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. 'We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves." "That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."
This is the kind of post that got them banned from Twitter before Elon re-instated them. Shameful using a child as political fodder. It's kind of funny, but in a mean way toward her, so not so much. But I'm sure there are plenty who laughed too hard at it. Ignorance is bliss.
You should let people know that is a satire site like the onion. Some people on the right are easily fooled by rumors, innuendo, conspiracy theories, and satire.
You should let people know that is a satire site like the onion. Some people on the right are easily fooled by rumors, innuendo, conspiracy theories, and satire.
Okay.
The babylonbee is a satire site like the onion. 'Fake news you can trust.'
You should let people know that is a satire site like the onion. Some people on the right are easily fooled by rumors, innuendo, conspiracy theories, and satire.
Okay.
The babylonbee is a satire site like the onion. 'Fake news you can trust.'
It's in the political jokes thread and people are asking that posters clarify it's a satire site.
Sites like this don't make it easier on their fragile minds.
And telling people they need to clarify a political joke website on a political joke thread is as fragile as it gets.
I see what you are saying and the humor and irony in it, but as usual, you are just wrong. Even in stupid joke threads, those who can't decipher truth from fantasy need to be given a heads-up or else they start repeating satire as fact. It happens a lot with the right.
Actually I thought he was quite gracious in his concession speech. Probably the most cognizant group of words he has strung together since his campaign began.
So is voting 100 percent Repub. or 100 percent Dem. Just because they have a R or a D next to them on the ballet, when the voter has ZERO clue about the individual running. No wonder so many people laugh at politics.
Where else to put but here. Home Remedies are bad, not to be trusted they told me, yet am I going to ignore that when the battery acid fell on the ground, they handed me a box of regular baking soda, labled regular baking soda and when it went on the acid, that appeared to be just li@uid there, it fizzed and bubbled in a reaction that clearly was neutralizing the acid.
Now, the regular baking soda was not a drug named and provided by a billion dollar drug company like Pfizer, so their politics are a joke.
The pentagon said they had too many generals running around, so they decided to get rid of some of them. They offered $10,000 in severance pay for each inch of their body to be measured however they chose. The Air Force general went first. He said he wanted to be measured from his head to his toe. He was 69 inches. He received $690,000. Next up was the Army general. He wanted to be measured from the tip of his finger to the tip of his other finger. It was 80 inches. He received $800,000. The two generals were very happy with their earnings. Finally the Marine general came up. He said he wanted to be measured from the tip of his penis to the tip of his balls. The man said, "Sir, do you know how much the other generals received?" The general said no. "Sir, they received $690,000 and $800,000 respectively, are you sure that is what you want measured?" The general said, "Just do it!" The man dropped the general's pants and measured his penis. When he went for the general's balls, they weren't there. The man said, "Sir, where are your balls." The general said, "I left them back in Vietnam."
ahead of time, 8 to fifteen years ago. nobody else would buy a wild joke of an idea, annex mexico, to solve the border crisis because the border at the bottom of Mexico is not ten thousand miles wide. Well the political joke's on me because 8 to fifteen years later the story yesterday was the cartels are stronger than the government in Mexico. so, now one might guess, annex? war with cartel? liberate? call it what you want, eventually>> in the future, for the USA to remain safe annexing Mexico my be inevitable. like it or not, .. as.. that is what inevitable means. unavoidable, like it or not. the point is this crazy mind is ahead of its time and everyone who was ever ahead of their time was almost always mocked. That mockery makes this a political joke. .. joke? alright, let's try to make one up.
two politicians walk into a bar. They both ask for a drink. The bartender says to the politician on the LEFT, " I can't serve those politicians on the right. and the then the bartender says to the politician on the RIGHT "I can't serve those politicians on the left. but he gives them both a drink. well first my mind asks? who is the bartender? what is the name of the drink? and.. are they left or right from the view behind the drinkers, or the view behind the bartender? ...
Well here goes.. political joke, unfunny. the bartender would be named Ralph Nader? the drink would be so strong it would make you see not straight which would make left=right and right= left.
and 3rd, and of course, the bartender can serve them both a drink because somebody holds up a mirror, behind the drinnkers, or 2 mirrors or 3, whatever it takes to make the drinker on the left appear to be also on the right and the other one the other way. now? who held the mirror? of Course it was the K.G.B. so
Two politicians walk into a bar, the bartender says to the one on the left, I don't serve those politicians on the right and the bartender says to the one on the right, I don't serve those politicians on the left, but then he hands them both a drink. Why? because the KGB was standing behind them holding up a mirror. 'between them' holding up a mirror.
Two politicians walk into a bar holding a double sided mirror between them Bartender says "what's with the double sided mirror dumbcenssored's" they answer in unison " I don't/didn't want to appear to be on the" and one says LEFT, and the other says RIGHT.
Kamala Harris Assures Public No One Has Given Her Single Classified Document
WASHINGTON—Stressing that there was a “zero-percent chance” she had mishandled sensitive information, Vice President Kamala Harris assured the American public Friday that no one had given her a single classified document. “Not to look at, not even to hold—frankly, I couldn’t even tell you where they’re kept,” said Harris, who held a press conference to announce that even if she had had access to classified government documents, she wouldn’t dream in a million years of taking her work home with her, and that most of the binders in her office were empty anyway.
“Please take comfort when I say I have no security clearance, on any level. My key fob doesn’t even work most days, and I have to text someone on my staff to come let me in. Yesterday, I stood outside the White House in the cold for 15 minutes before anyone came to get me.” At press time, Harris admitted that she had once taken home a roll of paper towels.
Kid: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up. Dad: Are you insane? Have you completely lost your mind? Are you a moron? Kid: Forget it. There seems to be too many requirements.
Bill Clinton, George W. Bush, and George Washington are on a sinking ship. As the boat sinks, George Washington heroically shouts: “Save the women!” George W. Bush hysterically hollers: “Screw the women!” Bill Clinton asks excitedly: “Do we have time?
HEY!!! Where the jokes at? I came here for the jokes. I can get this garden variety snarky back & forth in any number of current threads in this forum.
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1. This one's a classic- and might already have been posted here:
A woman in a hot-air balloon is lost, so she shouts to a man below, "Excuse me. I promised a friend I would meet him, but I don't know where I am." "You're at 31 degrees, 14.57 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude," he replies. "You must be a Democrat." "I am. How did you know?" "Because everything you told me is technically correct, but the information is useless, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've been no help." "You must be a Republican." "Yes. How did you know?" "You've risen to where you are due to a lot of hot air, you made a promise you couldn't keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."
2. "Because it would be hilarious," is probably not a good reason to elect someone to be president.
3. The worst part about working for the department of unemployment is when you get fired, you still have to show up the next day.
4. The NSA: a government organization that actually listens to you!
5. Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 100? A: Your Honor. Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? A: Senator.
6. Politics is the most accurate word in the English language. Poly = many. Ticks = blood sucking parasites.
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Hey, GM: This is now my second attempt at CPR/defibrillation. I keep trying, but these fools ain't helpin' us one bit.
If this same patient comes into my ER one more time, I'm skipping the pretense. I'm invoking 'no heroic measures,' coding this b# out, calling time of death- and sending the corpse directly to the hospital morgue. Let the ME sort out the details. ER Junkies with a death wish are stealing valuable time/talent/resources from other more deserving ER patients.
Amazing. The fights. The beef. The drive-by put-downs and gotchas.
What is the problem with the right and left political movements? They are like divorced parents who care more about getting the kids to hate the other one than they are their well-being.
Actually I thought he was quite gracious in his concession speech. Probably the most cognizant group of words he has strung together since his campaign began.
He sure was... Can't believe he can actually be classy...
John, the mayor of a small town in California had been in a coma for almost a year. Suddenly, when the doctors had almost given up hope, John miraculously awoke from his coma. Naturally the media came to the hospital and asked John what he attributed his sudden awakening from the coma to if anything. John gave Tucker Carlson all the credit. After speaking to the attending nurse he realized the nurse had come into his room and changed the TV channel to FOX News. The Tucker Carlson show was on at the time. As soon as she had done that, John immediately awoke and changed the channel.
I have to say that if you want to post stuff from the Babylonbee or the onion, that is satire, not really a joke.
^ A most geniously presented ..ingeniously?.. spoof on the nature of reading the DTMB in general, and therefore very funny imo.
see because what we have here is a statement that satire is not technically a joke and therefore doesn't belong in a topic about jokes a.k.a. funnieness, when satire is funnieness, haha,hehehe, b/c it's so much like, well everything else you might read on DTMB over the years, so as a spoof, spot on and very funny.
A State Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp. "This would look nice on my mantelpiece," he thinks, so he takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes. "I wish for an ice cold diet Pepsi right now!" POOF! A Pepsi appears before him on his desk, so he picks it up and guzzles it all at once. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island where beautiful nymphomaniacs reside." POOF! Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully. He then tells the genie his third and last wish: "I wish I'd never have to work ever again." POOF! He's back in his government office.
A politician is visiting the local mental asylum, and asks "How do you decide whether someone should be admitted here?"
"Well," says the director, "We fill up a bath with water, then give the patient a teaspoon, a mug, and a bucket, and ask them to empty the bath as quickly as possible."
"I see," says the politician, "and if he's got any sense he'll choose the bucket."
"No," says the director, "If he's got any sense he'll pull the plug out. Would you like a room with a view?"
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Representative George Santos hastily removed an entry from his résumé indicating that he had worked at a biological laboratory in Wuhan, China, the congressman’s office has confirmed.
The entry, which said that Santos worked at the lab in late 2019, disappeared with no explanation in the early hours of Monday morning.
Speaking to reporters on Capitol Hill, Santos said that he had “no idea” how the Wuhan job wound up on his C.V.
“I haven’t even spent time in China since 2007, when I invented the iPhone,” he said.
If republicans are so hellbent on stopping drag queens from performing in public, why are they still allowing Marjorie Taylor Greene to speak before congress?
If republicans are so hellbent on stopping drag queens from performing in public, why are they still allowing Marjorie Taylor Greene to speak before congress?
A reporter heard Bush and one of his underlings talking in the hallway: "Mr President, how do we know for sure Iraq has weapons of mass destruction?" Pres says "You think we’re stupid boy?" "We made copies of all the receipts!"
If republicans are so hellbent on stopping drag queens from performing in public, why are they still allowing Marjorie Taylor Greene to speak before congress?
If republicans are so hellbent on stopping drag queens from performing in public, why are they still allowing Marjorie Taylor Greene to speak before congress?
Not sure how that is a joke.
It would be sick, disgusting, and you would be a traitorous misogynistic pig... if you made the comment about someone on the left.
But, you know, outrage is a different animal in the DT circle jerk.
Uh, I won't reply again because we all know your m.o. Just pointing out the hypocrisy, because I would bet my house Frank would get attacked if the shoe were on the other foot. And yes, you and your clan are 100% PC when you can fake some outrage.
Now you can predict what someone would have done? I don't really get outraged until people do stupid things like trying to portray 24 women as all being prostitutes to excuse one man of being a sexual predator. And even then I expect that from certain people. I've got your li'l doggy for you.
If republicans are so hellbent on stopping drag queens from performing in public, why are they still allowing Marjorie Taylor Greene to speak before congress?
Not sure how that is a joke.
I didn't expect you would.
You had two choices. Be the normal nasty person you normally are or try to explain how drag queens are akin to an actual woman.
You chose the former because you are you and you don't know why what you posted would be funny other than "I said Marjorie Taylor Greene, I am soooooooo funnier"
I ask again, how was that response being nasty? You're the one who made the accusation.
I don't think anyone has any problem understanding it. I think everyone is capable of understanding it. It was an obvious joke that you took exception to. That's why they didn't ask the ridiculous question you did.
You made an accusation and then when shown to be wrong you claim I'm the one deflecting? That's pretty rich.
I ask again, how was that response being nasty? You're the one who made the accusation.
I don't think anyone has any problem understanding it. I think everyone is capable of understanding it. It was an obvious joke that you took exception to. That's why they didn't ask the ridiculous question you did.
You made an accusation and then when shown to be wrong you claim I'm the one deflecting? That's pretty rich.
You've shown nothing other than you can't explain it and you want to hide behind "well, I didn't expect you would".
Pointed question: What do YOU think it is funny to compare MTG to drag queens?
Let's see, it seems if republicans are offended by seeing drag queens in public they should be just as offended by the things MTG says. Or maybe she's actually a man. Who really knows for sure?
Let me guess, you don't see the humor in that either.
Let's see, it seems if republicans are offended by seeing drag queens in public they should be just as offended by the things MTG says. Or maybe she's actually a man. Who really knows for sure?
Let me guess, you don't see the humor in that either.
Who really knows for sure is about right. You don't know what is funny about it. Maybe you just don't do humor.
We saw how badly you tried to interpret what trump said when you claimed he had conceded. It looks like you're doing the same thing here. It seems to be a pattern with you.
We saw how badly you tried to interpret what trump said when you claimed he had conceded. It looks like you're doing the same thing here. It seems to be a pattern with you.
We see you can't some thing but can't own it either. You love implying you are smarter than everyone then you show you can't even exposing a simple joke, instead you deflect. It's really pathetic.
I'm only smarter than some of you. You're included in that group. There are people much smarter than me on this board. Sometimes they do allow their political and personal alliances to get in the way of that however.
I'm only smarter than some of you. You're included in that group. There are people much smarter than me on this board. Sometimes they do allow their political and personal alliances to get in the way of that however.
You can't even explain your own "joke" and you think you are smarter than people here? That does boarder on humorous.
Just because you didn't like the explanation doesn't mean I didn't give one.
You remind me of a friend of mines ex-wife. She would follow him around and badger him about everything. Asking for explanations for everything he said and did. And even after explaining things to her she just kept nagging on and on. Of course he divorced her.
Just because you didn't like the explanation doesn't mean I didn't give one.
You remind me of a friend of mines ex-wife. She would follow him around and badger him about everything. Asking for explanations for everything he said and did. And even after explaining things to her she just kept nagging on and on. Of course he divorced her.
And yet you still are unable to explain why you thought the "joke" was funny, instead you care about other people's grammatical mistakes. I'd say I'm surprised but I am not.
I explained it. You just didn't like the explanation. Have you ever noticed that you seem to be the only one who has a tendency not to be able to grasp what I'm saying? I mean there are a number of others who disagree with me but somehow they manage to understand what I'm saying. Then there's you. Yet you still can't seem to understand that it's a you problem.
Let's see, it seems if republicans are offended by seeing drag queens in public they should be just as offended by the things MTG says. Or maybe she's actually a man. Who really knows for sure?
Let me guess, you don't see the humor in that either.
Originally Posted by PitDAWG
I explained it. You just didn't like the explanation. Have you ever noticed that you seem to be the only one who has a tendency not to be able to grasp what I'm saying? I mean there are a number of others who disagree with me but somehow they manage to understand what I'm saying. Then there's you. Yet you still can't seem to understand that it's a you problem.
Your explanation does seem to make it funny, other than using women as a joke, which we've seen you do from time to time.
How do we really know for sure MTG is a woman? I mean we know she identifies as one because she uses the name Marjorie, but otherwise who is really to say?
How do we really know for sure MTG is a woman? I mean we know she identifies as one because she uses the name Marjorie, but otherwise who is really to say?
So basically you were again bashing women because you disagree with her. THAT'S why I didn't see the funny, cause it is more sexist nonsense from you.
How do we really know for sure MTG is a woman? I mean we know she identifies as one because she uses the name Marjorie, but otherwise who is really to say?
So basically you were again bashing women because you disagree with her. THAT'S why I didn't see the funny, cause it is more sexist nonsense from you.
He sure goes from martyr to chauvinist in a hurry. #fakesnowflake
Don’t you love it when the trump brigade always comes to the rescue of just maga Goper women?
So misogany is ok if a woman doesn't agree with your views.
The trump brigade on women equality. Lol I’ve heard it all now.
You keep using this "trump brigade" bit like it is some incantation... do you shake a chicken foot when you do it? Is there a circlet you wear? Maybe a magical decoder ring?
They stomp on women's rights then point the finger at others. They have the thinnest skin an American history. They actually attack women's rights the get offended by a joke? You couldn't make that $#!+ up if you tried.
They stomp on women's rights then point the finger at others. They have the thinnest skin an American history. They actually attack women's rights the get offended by a joke? You couldn't make that $#!+ up if you tried.
#snowflakes
Oh buttercup did no one give you praise for your attempted joke and now you have to stomp about.
Do you need some cookies and a nap?
And show me where I have attacked women's rights. Please, show me. I'll wait. Go on.
They stomp on women's rights then point the finger at others. They have the thinnest skin an American history. They actually attack women's rights the get offended by a joke? You couldn't make that $#!+ up if you tried.
#snowflakes
Oh buttercup did no one give you praise for your attempted joke and now you have to stomp about.
Do you need some cookies and a nap?
And show me where I have attacked women's rights. Please, show me. I'll wait. Go on.
Yeah, who is "they", Pit?
How 'bout some names to fill in the blanks of your little fairy tale.
When you support a party that attacks women's rights you are complicate.
So you have nothing and you want us to buy that.
You've used women's as the butt of jokes, your word means nothing. Show us who has attacked women. Please. Quote the posts. Go on now. Should be easy for a mental giant such as yourself.
When you support a party that attacks women's rights you are complicate.
I'm a registered Democrat.
But that would be a deflection. I've shown you use women as a joke but you can't show where I attacked them. Come on mental giant, it's easy, just pull up those posts where I attacked women. With the big brain on you I am sure you can quote it chapter and verse.
No? Yeah, more projection from you. You think because you attack women everyone does.
Once again, you drone on because you don't like the explanation given. It seems to be a theme with you. Just like my friends ex-wife.
A wolf in sheep's clothing doesn't make the wolf a sheep.
There it is. "Just like.a woman"
It's not that I don't like your explanation per se, it is because it is a flat out lie. But we expect you to lie, it's whatcha do. Well, that and use women as jokes and insults.
![[Linked Image from humoropedia.com]](https://humoropedia.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/funny-political-jokes.jpg)
But I am damn persistent. 
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