DawgTalkers.net Forums DawgTalk Palus Politicus Political Jokes

Since some get so wound up around here how about a few laughs. Post your political jokes.

Three boys walk through the woods and suddenly hear cries for help.
They follow the sound to the lake and see George W. Bush drowning.
The boys jump into the water and drag him to shore.
Bush asks the boys how he can repay them.
The first boy says, "I want a boat."
The second boy says, "I want a truck."
The third boy says, "I want a nice tombstone."
Bush asks, "Why is that?"
The boy says, "Because when my dad finds out I helped save you, he's going to kill me."


Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road one evening when a pig ran in front of the car.
The driver tried to avoid it but couldn’t.
The pig was killed.
The President told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened.

About an hour later the driver staggers back to the car with his clothes in total disarray.
He was holding a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and smiling happily.
“What happened?” asked the President.
“Well,” the driver replied “the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar, and their beautiful daughter made mad passionate love to me.”
“My God, what did you tell them?” asked the President.
The driver replied: “I’m Bill Clinton’s driver, and I just killed the pig.”

What do you call a woke droid from star wars?

R2-Me2



What do you call a wolf that is woke?

An aware wolf.



What is the difference between the internet and the North Pole?

The internet has more snowflakes.



Why were the environmental activists protesting outside the primary school?

That heard a rumor that the kids were singing "rain, rain, go away."

​

Why did the laundromat have all of their social media accounts cancelled?

Because they kept telling people to separate the white from the colors.



What does a paleontologist and woke people have in common?

They both enjoy digging up the past.

The problem with political jokes is they get elected.

Ex-Gov. Jerry Brown walks into a bar with a frog on his head. He sits down and asks for a drink. The bartender sees the frog on his head and says, “What the hell happened to you?” The frog replies, “It all started with a wart on my ass

I take offense to that...


...on behalf of warts everywhere.

So an IRS agent arrives at a Hebrew tabernacle for an audit. Because he is a big conservationist he begins hassling the rabbi about whether they are doing enough recycling.

So Rabbi, your church buys a lot of candles. What do you do with all those drippings? Well, the Rabbi says, we collect all those drippings and send them to the candlemaker and every once in a while they send us a box of free candles.

Hmm. The IRS agent is impressed. Well, good. We also notice you order a lot of motzah balls. What do you do with all the crumbs and leftovers. Oh we collect them and send them back to the baker and every once in a while he send us a box of free motzah balls.

Well the IRS agent was not done. We notice you do all lot of circumcisions here. What do you do to properly dispose of the foreskins?. Oh we do not dispose of them. We collect them and send them to the IRS. The IRS!!! Why do you send them to the IRS??? Well, we send them to the IRS and every once in a while they send us a [censored] like you.

j/c

Q: What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?

A: In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.

______________________


A thief stuck a pistol in a man’s ribs and said, “Give me your money.” The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said: “You cannot do this, I’m a United States congressman!” The thief said, “In that case, give me my money!”

j/c:

Political jokes/political humor:

After Using FBI To Suppress Son’s Crimes And Raid Political Rival’s Home, Biden Warns Democracy In Danger

https://babylonbee.com/news/after-u...als-home-biden-warns-democracy-in-danger

libtards

(are a joke)

Q: what was the difference between Rush Limbaugh and the Hindenburg?
A: one was a big flaming Nazi gas bag, and the other was a blimp.

Not as hilarious as reDtards though.

One day Jimmy went up to his father and asked, “Daddy, what’s the highest number?”

He replied, “Well, I’m not exactly sure, but I think it’s in the stimulus package.”


Moses was walking down the street when he bumped into George W. Bush. “Hello,” Bush said. “Nice weather we’re having, huh?” Moses took one look at the President, turned, and ran in the other direction.

The next day Moses was walking down the same street and there was Bush. Again he tried to initiate a conversation. Again Moses turned and ran away.

Bush was tired of this bizarre treatment, so the next time Moses ran away from him, Bush followed. When he caught up, he asked Moses what was wrong.

Moses said, “The last time I talked to a bush I spent 40 years in the desert.”

You and 3rd are confused about what a joke is. But at least the two of you showed up. That in and of itself provided a few laughs.

Psst.. while "callin out both sides" you might try OCD's response too.

And the Babylon Bee is pretty funny usually.

Pssst... There's enough of you around here to do that already.

If you dislike my post, why don't you address that with me? I know why you think I should just let her call us that without saying anything in response... You didn't like Biden dropping the big D on the fascists either. Yep, reDtards. That's the new name Eve has earned for right-wing extremists. You can thank her later, and that ain't a joke; reDtards are the only joke in politics today because the crap they are pulling is not remotely funny.

Pssst I'm not the one that beat my chest and indicated I call out BS on both sides like you did.

But you have to live with yourself and the hypocrisy.

I couldn't give two cents about your post. Some people think they are the white knight that stands before the BS calling it out on both sides, but given a chance always fails to do so.

Libtard and reDtards are jokes, it is cheap name calling.

I addressed the instigators. I don't expect people to sit back and not respond to people. You do? Then so be it.

No you continued to play your silly games. OCD can come in dropping all manner of silliness and when someone responds you are sure there to let them know they are wrong.

You think you are moderate. You think you call out both sides, but in the end you don't, you've shown your colors.

At least OCD owns his, that gets respect.

A woman in a hot-air balloon is lost, so she shouts to a man below, "Excuse me. I promised a friend I would meet him, but I don't know where I am."
"You're at 31 degrees, 14.57 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude," he replies.
"You must be a Democrat."
"I am. How did you know?"
"Because everything you told me is technically correct, but the information is useless, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've been no help."
"You must be a Republican."
"Yes. How did you know?"
"You've risen to where you are due to a lot of hot air, you made a promise you couldn't keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."

People who want to share their religious or political views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president but get to chose between 50 for Miss America?

Your respect is the last thing that concerns me. You act as if you are so above all of this when in fact you plant yourself firmly in the middle of it. You're no different than I am. Invest in a mirror. You've either missed it or purposefully ignored it. OCD and I have gone around and around concerning several issues on this board. Get a clue.

You tell me how horrible I am by engaging in felo de se? Enjoy your miserable self.

can we please get back to jokes?

thanks in advance

I'm not stopping you from posting one.

j/c:

Trump Voters Put Biden Signs In Their Yards So That The FBI Will Pass Over Them

https://babylonbee.com/news/trump-v...ards-so-that-the-fbi-will-pass-over-them

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Obamas Construct New Cages At Martha’s Vineyard To Hold Arriving Migrants

https://babylonbee.com/news/obamas-...ving-migrants-at-marthas-vineyard-estate

I have a political joke:

Joe Biden and his illegitimate regime

Ironically, you are a political joke, Trumpian.

Well, GM... it was fun while it lasted.
Thanks for your efforts. I tried to help out, as did any number of others.

Hey- it lasted 10 days. Frankly, it's longer than I'd expected.
BUT- all time frames aside, it did go exactly as I expected it.

Coming up with jokes in a charged atmosphere like we have today requires a little extra effort. It requires extrta effort to find the humor. It requires extra effort to share the humor. And it requires extra effort (on the part of all) to appreciate the humor, with all contributors/contestants agreeing to play the game within the established framework.


Bruh- You were never gonna ever be able to 'herd these cats' into a fun thread that lasted more than one or two pages.
Never.

But I love the idea.

As we've now seen, it didn't take too long for a fun idea to turn itself to the usual pile of ButtDropStank that we so often find at this address.

______________


So... Imma pull out the defibrillator, administer three rounds of 360 joules, and continue applying chest compressions:


A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" The dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mother, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her The Government. We're both here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you The People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him The Future. Now, think about that, and see if that makes sense." The little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that his baby brother has soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks through the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the working class, The Government is sound asleep, The People are being ignored... and The Future is in deep [censored]."

______________

[Thread]: "beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep...______________________________________..."



[Heroic ER Doc, Clem]: "Clear!"
[DONNNNK]
[Heroic Nurse, Lilly White-Loversumclem] "No response, Dr.-"
[Clem]: "Clear!"
[DONNNNK]
[HNLW-L]: "Nothing, sir-"
[Clem]: "Dammit! Again- CLEAR!"
[DONNNNK]


tick,tock,tick,tock,tick,tock,tick-


[HNLW-L]: "-I'm getting a regular sinus rhythm-"

**beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep...**

[Clem, exhausted]: "Damn! That was too close."

[HNLW-L] "- but you brought the thread back from the brink of death, sir-" [bats eyelids furiously at The Thread's most recent hero/savior]


[Clem]: "I can only do what I can. The rest is up to Hospital Support Services-"

BE the solution you want to see.
CONTRIBUTE to the thread, to make it what yawannabe.


just sayin'-

I have never been the sharped knife in the crayon box Clem But I am damn persistent.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common: they should both be changed regularly… and for the same reason.

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter: "Want coffee." The waiter says, "Sure Chief. Coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee..... The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out. The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter: "Want coffee." The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?" The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Training for position in United States Congress. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, Disappear for rest of day."

When an unpopular President completed his presidency, he wanted a special postage stamp issued with his picture on it. He stressed that it should be of international quality. The stamps were duly released and the former President was pleased. But within a couple of days of release of the stamp, he began hearing complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly, and he was furious. So he ordered an investigation into the matter. The investigator checked the problem out at several post offices, and then reported to the former President. The results revealed that there was nothing wrong with the quality of the stamp. The problem was that people were spitting on the wrong side.

Congressman should wear uniforms like NASCAR drivers so we can identify their corporate sponsors.

"Because it would be hilarious," is probably not a good reason to elect someone to be president.

Bill Clinton, George W. Bush, and George Washington are on a sinking ship.
As the boat sinks, George Washington heroically shouts: “Save the women!”
George W. Bush hysterically hollers: “Screw the women!”
Bill Clinton asks excitedly: “Do we have time?

After numerous rounds of, "We don't know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send Ted Kennedy a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Kennedy opened the letter which appeared to contain a single line of coded message, 370HSSV-0773H. Kennedy was baffled, so he e-mailed it to John Kerry. Kerry and his aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. Noone could solve it at the FBI, so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA. With no clue as to its meaning, the FBI finally asked Marine Corps Intelligence for help. Within a few seconds the Marine Corps cabled back with this reply, "Tell Kennedy he's holding the message upside down."

A couple heard that they could determine which direction their infant son would go by putting certain objects in front of him to see which ones interested him the most. So they put a Bible, a bottle of whiskey, and a twenty-dollar bill in front of him. The infant grabbed all three. “Oh Lord,” exclaimed his father, “He’s going to be a politician


A man applied for the job of press spokesman for the legislature. When he went for an interview, the interviewer said, “Your application is full of exaggeration, distortion, and lies. Can you come to work Monday

Who was the President who gave the shortest inaugural address (135 words)? Hint: He was also the only President who didn’t blame all of his troubles on the previous administration? George Washington

The 'Git er done' guy and Kevin Hart similar.

Two aliens were looking down on our planet from their space craft. The first said, “It seems the dominant life-forms on Earth have developed satellite based weapons.” The second alien asked, “Are they an emerging intelligence?” “I don’t think so,” the first alien replied. “They have the weapons pointed at themselves.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

What is the real reason the Ten Commandments have been banned from America’s public buildings? It creates a hostile work environment to post Thou shalt not Steal, Thou shalt not Commit Adultery and Thou shalt not Bear False Witness in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians.

The drinking age should be eighteen. When you’re eighteen you’re old enough to vote. You should be old enough to drink. Look who we have to vote for! You need a drink.

Elections are a lot like marriages. There’s no accounting for anyone’s taste. Every time we see a bridegroom we wonder why she picked him. It’s the same with public officials.

Donald Trump goes on a fact-finding visit to Israel. While he is on a tour of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and dies. The undertaker tells the American diplomats accompanying him,"You can have him shipped home for $50,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land, for just $100." The American diplomats go into a corner to discuss for a few minutes. They return with their answer to the undertaker and tell him they want Donald Trump shipped home. The undertaker is puzzled and asks, "Why would you spend $50,000 to ship him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $100?" The American diplomats reply, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can't take the risk

The pentagon said they had too many generals running around, so they decided to get rid of some of them.
They offered $10,000 in severance pay for each inch of their body to be measured however they chose.
The Air Force general went first.
He said he wanted to be measured from his head to his toe.
He was 69 inches. He received $690,000.
Next up was the Army general.
He wanted to be measured from the tip of his finger to the tip of his other finger.
It was 80 inches. He received $800,000.
The two generals were very happy with their earnings.
Finally the Marine general came up.
He said he wanted to be measured from the tip of his wiener to the tip of his balls.
The man said, "Sir, do you know how much the other generals received?"
The general said no. "Sir, they received $690,000 and $800,000 respectively, are you sure that is what you want measured?"
The general said, "Just do it!"
The man dropped the general's pants and measured his wiener.
When he went for the general's balls, they weren't there.
The man said, "Sir, where are your balls."
The general said, "I left them back in Vietnam."