Back in my HS days, there was such a thing as telephone books. In our local book was a name that never failed to elicit a chortle in response. That name:
Harry Dangler
There really was a urologist in Toledo named Richard Tapper.
My sis in-law lives on the east side of the state. For years, she talked about a gynecologist named V.D. Nipple
There was a squirrel that used to torment the heck out of my uncle's dog. It knew exactly how far that dog could go on its lead ...... and would sit about 2 feet outside of that, munching on acorns, while the poor dog barked itself silly.
There are a lot of squirrels in my yard, and the surrounding yards. There are a bunch of old oak trees in the 3-4 yard area, and there will be dozens of squirrels running up and down trees at any given moment. Recently we've had black squirrels move in with the brown and gray ones. There is one beautiful black squirrel that loves to torment my dog Dobby. Dobby sees him, and tenses ..... and explodes into action ..... and practically climbs the tree ..... and this squirrel gets just out of reach ... and chatters at him. lol I pity the day he's a step slow though ..... because Dobby's pretty darn quick.
Squirrels definitely have big personalities. Oh, and they always cleaned out my squirrel proof bird feeder when I used to put it out too.
Micah 6:8; He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God.
John 14:19 Jesus said: Because I live, you also will live.
I have two feeders hanging from a double shepherd hooks and the squirrels like to go up the pole, hang from the top, and grab the bottom of the feeder to tilt it and dump the birdfood on the ground. I tried spraying the pole with aerosol silicon and it works for a day or so - the squirrels get a couple feet up the pole and slide back down, pretty funny - but it either wears off too quickly or they just learn to dig in their claws a little more to get up the pole. I've been thinking of rigging up one of those dog shock collars by taping the receiver to the pole so the electrodes are in contact with the metal pole. I'm just not sure the metal pole would conduct enough of the low voltage zap when I pressed the transmitter button for it to matter. Finally I just said the hell with it and started throwing some sunflower seeds on the ground for the squirrels, chipmunks, and birds too large for the feeders (mourning doves).
My wife is the expert on feeding birds. We keep the squirrels off the feeders by throwing corn and shelled peanuts on the ground. We also buy the cheapest bird seed we can find....the kind with lots of cracked corn and millet....and spread this on the ground also. This keeps the less desirable birds like starlings, grackles, cowbirds, mourning doves, house sparrows, etc. off of the feeders. In the many feeders, we use a quality songbird mix, sunflower oilers, nyjer based finch food, meal worms for the bluebirds, grape jelly for the orioles and suet cakes. We also have a couple hummingbird feeders and make our own nectar (sugar water) for those.
And into the forest I go, to lose my mind and find my soul. - John Muir
My wife was also a bird aficionado, and at one point we had 6 regular feeders, 2 finch feeder socks, and a hummingbird feeder. Until about 15-20 years ago we had woods behind our house, before the housing development was put in. I was going through her Audubon Field Guide recently and she had a list of about 50 different types of birds that she had spotted in our back yard. Now, with the woods gone, all I ever see are sparrows, chickadees, cardinals, blue jays, mourning doves, and grackles. Its still worth feeding them, but I might hang a finch feeder too, because I miss the goldfinches and purple finches.
The madam opened the brothel door in Miami and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking old man in his late sixties or early seventies: “May I help you, sir?” She asked. The old man replied. “I want to see Valerie.” “Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else.” Said the madam. He replied. “No, I must see Valerie.” Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $10,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the old man pulled out ten thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs. After an hour, the old man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. “There are no discounts. The price is still $10,000.” Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the old man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie said to the old man. “No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?” The old man replied. “St. Louis.” “Really.” She said. “I have family in St. Louis.” “I know.” The old man said. “Your sister died and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $30,000 inheritance.”
Two best friends, Jim & Dave decided to spend the weekend at the beach. They rented a bungalow right at the shore, and took off to meet girls where the sand met the surf.
Jim says to Dave, "Dude- let's split up. That way we can double our chances to get those phone numbers. Meet back here in an hour." "Good idea, bro!"
When the hour was up, the bros got back together. Jim had nabbed 6 phone numbers, while Dave struck out swinging. That evening, they discussed their differing luck over steak dinners.
Jim tells Dave, "Here's what you do. You take one of those potatoes over there, and you put it in your Speedo. Them digits will start pouring in!"
Next day, they split up again. When the hour was over, they met up again.
"How'd you do, Dave?" "Unbelievable. It was worse than yesterday. Matter of fact, it was awful. They actually ran away from me all up and down the beach!"
"Dude- you were supposed to put the potato in the front of your suit...."
Did ya'll hear about the deaf gynecologist? Everyone was afraid of his impairment he would have trouble doing his job. Things turned out fine. Come to find out was very good at reading lips.
Intoducing for The Cleveland Browns, Quarterback Deshawn "The Predator" Watson. He will also be the one to choose your next head coach.
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