Jesus......................there can't even be one thread where we just laugh. Everything has to be contentious.
I was being funny.
I laughed.
There is no level of sucking we haven't seen; in fact, I'm pretty sure we hold the patents on a few levels of sucking NOBODY had seen until the past few years.
My neighbors came around the neighborhood this morning with flyers complaining about how someone stole their delivered dinner from their front stoop last night. If you ask me, it feels like an overreaction for some poorly seasoned vegetables, overcooked salmon, and the lemon-tinged green beans, all of which had already gone cold anyway.
My neighbor complained my dog's barking is disturbing him. I told him that I am also bothered by his bed squeaking when he's at work.
A guy went to the doctor and complained: "Doctor, my girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the condom never broke. How is it possible?"
"Well, let me tell you a story. There was once a hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took his umbrella instead of his gun and went out. A lion suddenly jumped in front of him. In order to scare the lion, the hunter used the umbrella like a gun, shot the lion and killed it!"
"Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the lion."
"Exactly!"
One morning at a doctor's clinic a patient arrives complaining of serious back pain.
The doctor examines him and asks him:
"Tell me what happened to your back...?"
The patient replies: "Sir, I work for a local night club. This morning I went to my apartment early and heard some noise in my bed room.
On entering I knew someone had been with my wife and the balcony door was open.
I rushed out of the balcony door and did not find anyone.
As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man running out and he was dressing himself.
I was very angry. I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him.
It was very heavy...
That is how I strained my back.!"
Later that day, a second patient arrives as if he has been in a car wreck.
The doctor said: "My previous patient looked bad..
But you look terrible..
What the hell happened to you ?"
He replied: "You know I have been unemployed for a while now.
Today was the first day at my new job...
I forgot to set my alarm and I was late...
I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time.
And you won't believe it but I was hit by a fridge.
I don't know how and where from this fridge fell on me...!!!"
Before closing hours, the third patient comes. He looks like he was punished in hell.
The doctor is shocked.
He asks: "What the hell happened to you..??"
The patient replies:
"Well, It started like this, I was in a fridge.........."
Intoducing for The Cleveland Browns, Quarterback Deshawn "The Predator" Watson. He will also be the one to choose your next head coach.
So, vacation this week. Pulling my daughter and her boyfriend on a tube, behind the boat. 4 person tube, but just the 2 of them on it. Figure 8ts. (eights). Got it just perfect, and whipped them out into the turmoil I had created.
Tube was (not a tube - it was about 5 feet wide, and maybe 3 1/2 feet long) Launched them. Tube went up out of the water about 4 feet. Boyfriend fell off. He was new to tubing.
Daughter was able to hold on. Bottom of the tube was 4 feet over the water, top of the tube was 8 feet over the water. I saw my daughters head over the top of the tube, but the wild action was flipping her, and I saw her feet over the tube next. Head, then feet. 8-9 feet over the water. It was awesome. So was vacation.
Evander Holyfields sister was posting on Instagram. She said her brother Evander was having a hard time keeping his Covid mask on. She said that they went to the grocery store together and as he got out of the car she heard him mumble, "Thanks Mike Tyson".
Intoducing for The Cleveland Browns, Quarterback Deshawn "The Predator" Watson. He will also be the one to choose your next head coach.
I saw this earlier today and got a kick out of it. Young music fans listening to the classics for the first time is never a bad thing!
It used to be kinda cool, but man, now there are somewhere in the range of 7.5 million of them on YouTube.
Micah 6:8; He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God.
John 14:19 Jesus said: Because I live, you also will live.
Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons. One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble. One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek. Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred. Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes. Then he started looking in and under cars until a police man approached him and asked, "What are you doing?" "Playing a game," the boy replied. "What is your name?" the officer questioned. "Mind Your Own Business." Furious the policeman inquired, "Are you looking for trouble?!" The boy replied, "Why, yes."
I mash it anyway, even though I know it doesn't work.
There is no level of sucking we haven't seen; in fact, I'm pretty sure we hold the patents on a few levels of sucking NOBODY had seen until the past few years.
A fellow was being sold a very cheap suit. “But the left arm is a lot longer than the right arm,” he complained.
“That’s why the suit is such a bargain,” the sales clerk explained. “Just [censored] your left shoulder up a little, like this, and tuck this left lapel under your chin a bit, like this.”
“But the right leg is way too short,” argued the customer.
“No problem,” the sales clerk answered. “Just keep your right knee bent a little at all times, walk like this, and no one will notice. That’s why this suit is only $30.”
Finally, the fellow bought the suit, cocked his left shoulder into the air, tucked the suit’s left lapel under his chin, bent his right knee, and limped out of the store toward his car. Two doctors happened along and noticed him. “Good heavens,” the first doctor said to the second, “look at that poor crippled fellow.”
“Yeah,” answered the second doctor. “But doesn’t that suit fit great?”
An altar boy goes the priest to confess his sexual relations.
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have had relations with a girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans. I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but..." "Look at what kids your age make in China!"
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That's great.
