As I see it, it's time to ask her where she sees this thing heading.
It sounds as if you are open to the idea of further exploring this relationship if she seems amenable. You have to find out if that's where she might want to go, as well.
Without a clear understanding of where each of you may be, it's impossible to chart the next few steps.
Ask her, up-front. Don't be bold or confrontational about it, just tell her where you are, where you think this might go, and ask her if she feels the same.
Let her answer guide your next 2 or 3 steps.
I can't see any other way to approach this, if I found myself in the same sitch.
Just have an honest conversation with her about what she is looking for.
Her intentions.
Dont put the pressure on. Just ask what dating goals she has. What she wants for her life.
Good in theory but how do you ask that without putting pressure on her? Especially after the awkward situation they had. She will feel pressured, there is no way around it.
The only way I can see it from the perspective of being asked that question before is to say something like: and as I type it out I am already feeling awkward and pressured.
Would love for you to share more details on how you would initiate that conversation without making her feel pressured.
Don't blame the clown for acting like a clown. Ask yourself why you keep going to the circus.
Just have an honest conversation with her about what she is looking for.
Her intentions.
Dont put the pressure on. Just ask what dating goals she has. What she wants for her life.
Good in theory but how do you ask that without putting pressure on her? Especially after the awkward situation they had. She will feel pressured, there is no way around it.
The only way I can see it from the perspective of being asked that question before is to say something like: and as I type it out I am already feeling awkward and pressured.
Would love for you to share more details on how you would initiate that conversation without making her feel pressured.
Well, it depends on how they met. Context means everythings.
Its totally different if:
They met at the gym.
They met at the bar.
They met at work.
They met at church.
They met on a dating site.
Context is every thing. They could just be hanging out as friends. Maybe he has different ideas than she does. I been there.
So he should just ask her about what she is looking for in life. And relationships.
He said that they have been seeing each other fr a couple months so I think how they met isn't so significant. But I would take any one example that works. Then I could reverse engineer it to fit the other situations.
The only way I see this conversation not creating pressure is if the person you broach the subject with has had this on their mind already and she is wondering where this is going and just waiting for you to bring it up.
Unfortunately, you don't know that they are waiting on it, otherwise you really wouldn't need to ask.
Not trying to give you a hard time. I truly would love to know. And if we want tastybrownies to have this conversation with her without making her feel pressured, then I think we should give him some guidance on how to do so. I am fairly experienced with women and don't have a clue on how to do that. Tasty says that he is inexperienced. How do we expect him to just know how to do it?
Don't blame the clown for acting like a clown. Ask yourself why you keep going to the circus.
He said that they have been seeing each other fr a couple months so I think how they met isn't so significant. But I would take any one example that works. Then I could reverse engineer it to fit the other situations.
The only way I see this conversation not creating pressure is if the person you broach the subject with has had this on their mind already and she is wondering where this is going and just waiting for you to bring it up.
Unfortunately, you don't know that they are waiting on it, otherwise you really wouldn't need to ask.
Not trying to give you a hard time. I truly would love to know. And if we want tastybrownies to have this conversation with her without making her feel pressured, then I think we should give him some guidance on how to do so. I am fairly experienced with women and don't have a clue on how to do that. Tasty says that he is inexperienced. How do we expect him to just know how to do it?
It makes a big difference how they met.
What if they met at work? Or at church? Or via friends? Or a dating site?
Each has different considerations.
Its ok to ask what the other is looking for in life.
Without pressuring them for a certain answer.
He doesnt have to pressure, but she will know his intentions by asking and that could be good enough. So she can get a hint.
I'll give you this. Meeting on a dating app does change a few things.
1st, no way she doesn't know these were dates 2nd, it decreases the likelihood that she is struggling with a #metoo issue 3rd, it significantly increases the likelihood that she is dating multiple guys
It is generally understood though mostly an unsaid rule that if you meet on a dating app that you both are meeting multiple people. Though being a couple months in is confusing.
When I meet a girl on a dating app. I like to prep for these conversations in a few ways. Sometimes one, sometimes the other, sometimes all. On the 2nd date I might say something like, so we met on a dating app, I am sure a lot of guys are trying to match with you. I just want you to know that if you are out on a date with another guy and I walk into the bar with my buddies, I'll just give you a head nod and head to the other side of the bar. I won't make scene or do anything to make you feel uncomfortable. Depending on how playful our relationship is, I might throw in a, I can't say I won't be bummed out about it, but I'd understand and be cool about it. Implied in this is that she might walk in on you on a date with another girl and she should act the same way.
On the 3rd or 4th date, I will say something like, I'm really enjoying hanging out with you and I am going to be taking down my profile because at this point I am not interested in meeting anybody new. I don't ask her to take her profile down, I just say it matter of factly. But I can't think of a time that I have done this and she hasn't volunteered that she was going to take hers down too. After this you do take your profile down. If you don't she will notice. I can almost guarantee that she will have her friends try and find you on there. This isn't for tasty because he seems like a standup dude, but more just for the conversation. I have several female friends who have been dating a guy they met on a dating app and they think things are going well and think they are exclusive despite not having had the conversation about it but the guy still has his profile active and the girls want to know what this means. They have not had a talk about taking their profiles down but the guys give them the strong impression that they are the only one. The girls will frequently ask their guy about it and invariably they say, oh, I forgot to take it down. Any single girls reading this, know that they didn't forget to take it down. For you married guys who have never been on a dating app, these things send you frequent reminders even if you haven't been active on it. And some of them let people know when you were last active. Or the girl will have her friend message you from that friends profile and see how you respond.
Several points with this statement. I say not interested in meeting anyone new not I am not interested in dating anyone else. This does a couple things. One, it lets her know you are interested but doesn't jump to an exclusive relationship so it doesn't pressure her. Second, if she says that she is taking hers down too, or even if she doesn't it lets you know where you stand with her. 3rd, there may be a 2nd girl that you are still trying to sort things out with and this gives you a little time. Because let's be frank. Dating apps are designed for you to meet a lot of people. If you want, you could have a date every night of the week with a different girl. But doing that sabotages all the relationships because you never get the chance to really develop any of them. But "meet" gives you time to clean things up. If there is a 2nd or a 3rd girl you will want to break things off with them if the girl you said this too also takes down her profile. If she doesn't then you might want to re-evaluate how you view the girls. Lastly, it also eases your way to the exclusivity discussion down the road.
I feel like I am rambling and losing focus. I feel like I am trying to help out tasty (both now and in the future) and explain somethings to the older married guys who are not familiar with dating apps and I am crossing my streams (just watched Ghostbusters last night).
Last edited by Jester; 08/04/2006:57 AM.
Don't blame the clown for acting like a clown. Ask yourself why you keep going to the circus.
So we're still both talking to each other in a friendly manner, which I think is a positive sign. She seems willing to continue and we both agreed to meet tomorrow in person and have a discussion.
At this point she seems friendly, but after what happened I have trouble trusting whether or not their words match their actions. We shall see....I think it's important to talk about what happened and why she felt uncomfortable about it. If there is a prior issue I don't want it to stand in the way of us possibly developing a healthy relationship.
I plan on letting her speak first but I will bring it up if she doesn't.
make sure you break the ice first by showing up in a speedo.
“To announce that there must be no criticism of the President, or that we are to stand by the President, right or wrong, is not only unpatriotic and servile, but is morally treasonable to the American public.”
As I see it, it's time to ask her where she sees this thing heading.
It sounds as if you are open to the idea of further exploring this relationship if she seems amenable. You have to find out if that's where she might want to go, as well.
Without a clear understanding of where each of you may be, it's impossible to chart the next few steps.
Ask her, up-front. Don't be bold or confrontational about it, just tell her where you are, where you think this might go, and ask her if she feels the same.
Let her answer guide your next 2 or 3 steps.
I can't see any other way to approach this, if I found myself in the same sitch.
This. Just dont pressure her.
I agree. It's there or it's not.
You can't manufacture a relationship. It happens or it doesn't. If the other person, woman or man isn't feeling it, it just isn't going to happen.
Relationships are as much about timing as anything else. Both people have to be ready. I don't buy this idea that there is only 1 person in the world for you. My wife and I love each other, but had we not had like minds at the time we met, it wouldn't have happened. We might have found somebody 3 blocks away.
There are millions of women who would have loved me....a joke, but in a way it's true. It's all about timing. It's about a Guy and Gal who are ready to settle in, and they find somebody they like, thinks the same, meets their needs.....you get it.
If you live in NY and your "real" match is in Tokyo it's not like you are going to go through life alone unless you choose, and it isn't even taking 2nd best.
There are a lot of great people in this world. Most of us find a match. You just have to sift around until you find a person of right mind who is a good completion of the process.
As Males and Females, I believe we are only half human. Only until we bond do we complete the circle of life and become complete humans.
I am only half a person without my wife. I need her rudder. I think she needs mine. Sometimes the woman needs to set the direction, sometimes the man does.
A true union understands that. Sometimes it's best for the woman to make the call, sometimes it's best for the man to make the call. We have to understand that. We think differently.
It takes both of us to get it right. Without the other side, we'll both have it balled up one way or the other. Work together in union, you might have a shot.
It takes both. It's why men and women need each other.
If everybody had like minds, we would never learn.
I think the most important thing to ask is if you want to be with her for the rest of your life... if that's the case then you need to be in it for the long haul... if it's more just dating then that's different
I actually had a very similar situation when I was in my early 20s... had a strong relationship with a girl but when we got physical the first couple of times she flipped out... at the time I had no idea what was going on and eventually I broke up with her before we had a chance to talk... looking back I realize now that she was sexually abused and I wasn't mature enough to see it at the time or have the patience to talk to her about it...
when I was dating my wife she was actually similar... this time I recognized it and we talked about it... we didn't go into details at the time (she still hasn't shared all the details but I don't need to know them all). While we were dating I told her I wanted to hug her, hold her hand, and kiss her but we would wait for anything more until we were married and she was ready... we probably still don't have as physical a relationship as I would like... but I never want to do anything to make her uncomfortable... and frankly its just one piece of our relationship
so if you want a long term relationship you need to talk about it somewhat... but don't push her... she obviously was extremely traumatize by some asshat... just tell her that you want to have a strong relationship, you'd like to be more physical but the relationship is more important... so when she's ready to talk or be physical you'll be there for her...
[color:#FFCC66] I'll give you this. Meeting on a dating app does change a few things.
1st, no way she doesn't know these were dates 2nd, it decreases the likelihood that she is struggling with a #metoo issue 3rd, it significantly increases the likelihood that she is dating multiple guys
1st point I totally agree on...
2nd point I disagree.... just because she's on a dating site doesn't mean that she's dealing with past trauma... it's ignorant to think so
3rd point I disagree.... she might be talking to lots of guys and going on a date... but not 'dating' a lot of guys.... I guess its more of a distinction for me... on dating sites you talk with a lot of people but you're not dating a lot (like going on multiple dates).
And for background... I met my wife on a dating site...
2, I said less likely not saying that she definitely isn't 2, also said that she is less likely still struggling - meaning that it could have happened but is at least far enough back and dealt with internally enough for her to feel ready to get back into it - though she could have thought she was ready and actually isn't
3, When I said "dating multiple guys" I meant dating Tasty and a 2nd guy. I should have been more clear. And again, i said increases the likelihood. None of this is definitive. At this point it is just trying to figure out the odds of which tasty is going to be dealing with.
Don't blame the clown for acting like a clown. Ask yourself why you keep going to the circus.
I think the most important thing to ask is if you want to be with her for the rest of your life... if that's the case then you need to be in it for the long haul... if it's more just dating then that's different
Agree with a slight tweak. I don't think he has to know that he wants to be with her the rest of his life. After all, they have only known each other a couple months. I think the question should be, does he think he could potentially want to spend the rest of his life with her.
From tasty's earlier posts, I get the impression that his answer would be yes.
Don't blame the clown for acting like a clown. Ask yourself why you keep going to the circus.
great post... I read awhile back that marriage isn't 50/50... it's 100/100... it takes two fully committed and willing to work on the relationship...
I love that quote. I first heard in a radio interview of Dan Reeve's about his book. My recollection is of him saying something along the lines of:
If anyone tells you marriage is a 50/50 proposition, they're lying. It's 100%/100% because marriage is hard and if both people are not completely committed it won't work out
Don't blame the clown for acting like a clown. Ask yourself why you keep going to the circus.
For the second point I still disagree somewhat... I think we are both on same page... but I still think that just because someone is dating that doesn't mean that they aren't dealing with past hurts.... you are probably right that they have dealt with or buried those feelings... but that's lifelong trauma and you never know when it gets brought up
my wife and I have a great relationship...we've worked hard at it... she also has had a lot of counseling to deal with her rape.... but there are still times when a smell or touch will bring her right back to that moment....
yeah it was eye opening the first time I heard it... we went through a program called Re-Engage a few years back that was really great too... really talked about how each spouse really needs to focus on themselves and (since it was Christian based) his/her relationship with God... as my relationship with God and focus on what I can do better improved... our marriage improved...
yeah I agree... I went back and re-read a few of your posts and think we basically believe the same thing...
back to the primary post... hope the chat goes well... agree with what eve said above though... don't push her... think you need to be honest and open but can't push her... also, again, need to know what you want out of the relationship....
I think at some point during your conversation, you will feel the urge to ask her if there is another guy. Resist that urge - JMO
I agree. I’d say you should assume there’s another guy she’s “talking with” and is probably deliberating ... but don’t bring it up
"First down inside the 10. A score here will put us in the Super Bowl. Cooper is far to the left as Njoku settles into the slot. Moore is flanked out wide to the right. Chubb and Ford are split in the backfield as Watson takes the snap ... Here we go."
Again, I just wanted to say thanks for everyone's input on the subject and I really appreciate it. I met with the girl this past Wednesday and we had a heart to heart conversation where we both talked about our feelings after what happened that night. That I wanted to make sure she knew why I wanted to kiss her and how I felt in that moment and afterwards.
She also shared her feelings and some personal things that happened in past relationships, one in particular that was a catalyst to her spiritual awaking and how she realized she needed to kind of a new beginning, or to turn her life around.
We talked about a few other things and I came away from our date that the conversation was healthy, productive, and honest. I didn't really know how it would go so I used some advice in this thread and it generally went pretty well.
Thanks again everyone for your thoughts. Maybe some day I'll meet some of you in person..Wouldn't that be weird. I've been a board member since 2007, so think of that, its been thirteen years that I've seen some of your usernames. Its an interesting environment where members are on a site for that long. I don't think it happens many places on the Internet today. I am so thankful of the board we have here and the nice members.
Good to hear it went well. Hoping it works out for the best either way.
And yes, I want to at least be an usher
"First down inside the 10. A score here will put us in the Super Bowl. Cooper is far to the left as Njoku settles into the slot. Moore is flanked out wide to the right. Chubb and Ford are split in the backfield as Watson takes the snap ... Here we go."
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