DawgTalkers.net Forums DawgTalk Palus Politicus Political Jokes Pt. 4

Putin and trump are scheduled to meet in Alaska on Friday. It will be then that Putin begins trump's employee review. Early indications are that trump will score well.

Joke? How about the course Diddler Nero has the country on? That’s a joke.

Trump's latest post on Truth Social;

People are posting pictures of me with POOP STAINS ON MY PANTS saying I went to BROWN TOWN, baked a KEISTER CASSEROLE, William SHATnered himself, LIQUIFIED my ASSets, squeezed out a FUDGESICKLE, had THUNDER SPLATS, or POOPED MY PAMPERS. I'm hereby issuing an EXECUTIVE ORDER against pictures of me with SKID MARKS because nine times out of ten it's FAKE NEWS! Thanks for your attention to this matter.

Trump Freaks Out After Nobel Peace Prize Form Asks If Applicant Ever Used Troops Against His Own Citizens

Andy Borowitz

Russian Lures Confused Old Man to Alaska in Elder Scam

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—An unscrupulous Russian man has lured a confused septuagenarian to Alaska in an apparent elder scam, concerned associates of the old man reported on Thursday.

According to those associates, the Russian has posed as a friend of his geriatric mark in order to take advantage of him in the remote, icy setting.

“This poor, addled codger isn’t playing with a full deck and hasn’t for some time,” one associate said. “We’re afraid that the Russian will trick him into signing something away.”

The situation is particularly troubling, the associate said, because “he’s a feeble old man who likes to wander around on top of buildings, and the Russian likes pushing people off them.”

Late breaking news out of Moscow. Putin names Trump employee of the month.

Repeat award winner.

Memo to Trump: They didn’t give the Nobel Peace Prize to Neville Chamberlain

“I will tell you this, Ukraine: If you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find the Epstein files that are missing. I think you will probably be rewarded mightily by our press.”

KYIV—Seeking robust security guarantees for his nation, on Tuesday Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy asked Donald J. Trump to “give Ukraine the same protection you have given pedophiles.”

Hoping to flatter Trump, Zelenskyy said, “Mr. President, the Ukrainian people ask you to stand strong with them, just as you have stood strong in your refusal to release the Epstein files.”
“We are not, of course, a nation of pedophiles,” he continued. “But imagine that we were, and protect us accordingly.”

Though Zelenskyy did not specify what sort of protection he sought for Ukraine, he ended his charm offensive by beseeching Trump, “Please give us whatever deal you gave Ghislaine.”

Andy Borowitz

BREAKING: "I, Tiffany Sarah Cornelia Haddish am running for President of the United States of America," Haddish said on "Jimmy Kimmel Live."

"That is right. I've got all the qualifications to be president, mhm," she continued. "I'm rich. I've been arrested a few times and I always say crazy things."

"And I have a vision for this country that will blow your mind. Guillermo, bring me my podium," she said at which point Kimmel's sidekick produced a "Haddish 2028" podium. She then launched into a hilarious bit about her political platform.

"My fellow Americans, when I'm president all profiles on dating sites must include your credit score. If you can't handle your business you ain't touching my business," she said. "Under a Haddish presidency, every Subway sandwich shop will now carry pastrami sandwiches damnit! Just the way the Founding Fathers wanted it to be. They intended it that way."

"I will issue and executive order allowing people to pay their taxes with old gift cards," she continued. "We're gonna run this country, this government, like a company and that company is Sizzler. You can use your old coupons."

"I also will make it a crime to show up on time to dinner party. Who in the hell is walking into my house at 6 o'clock for a 6 o'clock dinner. White people, that's who," said Haddish.

"I'm moving the capital from Washington, D.C. to Hankinson, North Dakota," she went on. "Don't worry, I've been to Hankinson before, there are buffalos everywhere. Best buffalo pastrami sandwiches you ever had."

"Instead of elevator small talk, let's do elevator big talk. Quick: tell me about your divorce before the doors open!" she said.

"And finally, I'm getting rid of those little robots that deliver food. In my America, robots will only be used for sex stuff. No more STDs y'all!" said Haddish.

"And my campaign is built around a very simple idea. America: mind your own damn business," she added. Doesn't that sound nice? Doesn't that sound good? Yeah. If you want to join my movement post on social media with the hashtag #WeMindOurOwnDamnBusiness."

"We’ve had an actor as president, a reality host president, but now it’s time to elect a comedian,” she added. “Finally, a president who’s funny on purpose, most of the time. Who's with me?"

From Jimmy Kimmel Live.

What's the difference between Donald Trump and a transgender soldier?

The transgender soldier actually had enough balls to serve in the military.

I am no fan of Newsom at all, and I hate that there is a race to the bottom when it comes to gerrymandering, although to be fair, he said he would back off if Texas did.

That all being said, holding up a mirror like he is, combined with the tact that South Park is taking, I don’t think anyone in the MAGA caucus can really say this is unfair, unexpected or unwarranted.

WASHINGTON—Complicating Donald J. Trump’s plan to send troops to Chicago, on Tuesday thousands of National Guard members called in sick with bone spurs.

The White House was plunged into chaos after receiving over seven thousand notes from guardsmen’s podiatrists, sources said.

At the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. vowed that he would get to the bottom of the bone spurs epidemic by enlisting the nation’s finest medical minds, including Dr. Oz and Dr. Phil.

“A sudden outbreak of this size is very suspicious,” Kennedy told reporters. “The most likely culprits are COVID-19 vaccinations.”

Andy Borowitz

Headline Washington, D.C - RFK Jr. Accuses CDC Director of Plotting to Control Disease. He has also uncovered a plot by the National Institutes of Health to institute health.

In other news Trump Orders Cabinet to Wear Three Pairs of Tube Socks to Make His Ankles Look Normal

Andy Borowitz

The best hope for America is that Donald Trump is taking all of his medical advice from RFK Jr.