Putin and trump are scheduled to meet in Alaska on Friday. It will be then that Putin begins trump's employee review. Early indications are that trump will score well.
Intoducing for The Cleveland Browns, Quarterback Deshawn "The Predator" Watson. He will also be the one to choose your next head coach.
People are posting pictures of me with POOP STAINS ON MY PANTS saying I went to BROWN TOWN, baked a KEISTER CASSEROLE, William SHATnered himself, LIQUIFIED my ASSets, squeezed out a FUDGESICKLE, had THUNDER SPLATS, or POOPED MY PAMPERS. I'm hereby issuing an EXECUTIVE ORDER against pictures of me with SKID MARKS because nine times out of ten it's FAKE NEWS! Thanks for your attention to this matter.
Intoducing for The Cleveland Browns, Quarterback Deshawn "The Predator" Watson. He will also be the one to choose your next head coach.
Russian Lures Confused Old Man to Alaska in Elder Scam
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—An unscrupulous Russian man has lured a confused septuagenarian to Alaska in an apparent elder scam, concerned associates of the old man reported on Thursday.
According to those associates, the Russian has posed as a friend of his geriatric mark in order to take advantage of him in the remote, icy setting.
“This poor, addled codger isn’t playing with a full deck and hasn’t for some time,” one associate said. “We’re afraid that the Russian will trick him into signing something away.”
The situation is particularly troubling, the associate said, because “he’s a feeble old man who likes to wander around on top of buildings, and the Russian likes pushing people off them.”
Intoducing for The Cleveland Browns, Quarterback Deshawn "The Predator" Watson. He will also be the one to choose your next head coach.
“I will tell you this, Ukraine: If you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find the Epstein files that are missing. I think you will probably be rewarded mightily by our press.”
Intoducing for The Cleveland Browns, Quarterback Deshawn "The Predator" Watson. He will also be the one to choose your next head coach.
KYIV—Seeking robust security guarantees for his nation, on Tuesday Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy asked Donald J. Trump to “give Ukraine the same protection you have given pedophiles.”
Hoping to flatter Trump, Zelenskyy said, “Mr. President, the Ukrainian people ask you to stand strong with them, just as you have stood strong in your refusal to release the Epstein files.” “We are not, of course, a nation of pedophiles,” he continued. “But imagine that we were, and protect us accordingly.”
Though Zelenskyy did not specify what sort of protection he sought for Ukraine, he ended his charm offensive by beseeching Trump, “Please give us whatever deal you gave Ghislaine.”
Andy Borowitz
Intoducing for The Cleveland Browns, Quarterback Deshawn "The Predator" Watson. He will also be the one to choose your next head coach.
BREAKING: "I, Tiffany Sarah Cornelia Haddish am running for President of the United States of America," Haddish said on "Jimmy Kimmel Live."
"That is right. I've got all the qualifications to be president, mhm," she continued. "I'm rich. I've been arrested a few times and I always say crazy things."
"And I have a vision for this country that will blow your mind. Guillermo, bring me my podium," she said at which point Kimmel's sidekick produced a "Haddish 2028" podium. She then launched into a hilarious bit about her political platform.
"My fellow Americans, when I'm president all profiles on dating sites must include your credit score. If you can't handle your business you ain't touching my business," she said. "Under a Haddish presidency, every Subway sandwich shop will now carry pastrami sandwiches damnit! Just the way the Founding Fathers wanted it to be. They intended it that way."
"I will issue and executive order allowing people to pay their taxes with old gift cards," she continued. "We're gonna run this country, this government, like a company and that company is Sizzler. You can use your old coupons."
"I also will make it a crime to show up on time to dinner party. Who in the hell is walking into my house at 6 o'clock for a 6 o'clock dinner. White people, that's who," said Haddish.
"I'm moving the capital from Washington, D.C. to Hankinson, North Dakota," she went on. "Don't worry, I've been to Hankinson before, there are buffalos everywhere. Best buffalo pastrami sandwiches you ever had."
"Instead of elevator small talk, let's do elevator big talk. Quick: tell me about your divorce before the doors open!" she said.
"And finally, I'm getting rid of those little robots that deliver food. In my America, robots will only be used for sex stuff. No more STDs y'all!" said Haddish.
"And my campaign is built around a very simple idea. America: mind your own damn business," she added. Doesn't that sound nice? Doesn't that sound good? Yeah. If you want to join my movement post on social media with the hashtag #WeMindOurOwnDamnBusiness."
"We’ve had an actor as president, a reality host president, but now it’s time to elect a comedian,” she added. “Finally, a president who’s funny on purpose, most of the time. Who's with me?"
From Jimmy Kimmel Live.
Intoducing for The Cleveland Browns, Quarterback Deshawn "The Predator" Watson. He will also be the one to choose your next head coach.
I am no fan of Newsom at all, and I hate that there is a race to the bottom when it comes to gerrymandering, although to be fair, he said he would back off if Texas did.
That all being said, holding up a mirror like he is, combined with the tact that South Park is taking, I don’t think anyone in the MAGA caucus can really say this is unfair, unexpected or unwarranted.
Blue ostriches on crack float on milkshakes between the sidewalk titans of gurglefitz. --YTown
WASHINGTON—Complicating Donald J. Trump’s plan to send troops to Chicago, on Tuesday thousands of National Guard members called in sick with bone spurs.
The White House was plunged into chaos after receiving over seven thousand notes from guardsmen’s podiatrists, sources said.
At the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. vowed that he would get to the bottom of the bone spurs epidemic by enlisting the nation’s finest medical minds, including Dr. Oz and Dr. Phil.
“A sudden outbreak of this size is very suspicious,” Kennedy told reporters. “The most likely culprits are COVID-19 vaccinations.”
Andy Borowitz
Intoducing for The Cleveland Browns, Quarterback Deshawn "The Predator" Watson. He will also be the one to choose your next head coach.
Headline Washington, D.C - RFK Jr. Accuses CDC Director of Plotting to Control Disease. He has also uncovered a plot by the National Institutes of Health to institute health.
In other news Trump Orders Cabinet to Wear Three Pairs of Tube Socks to Make His Ankles Look Normal
Andy Borowitz
Intoducing for The Cleveland Browns, Quarterback Deshawn "The Predator" Watson. He will also be the one to choose your next head coach.
Gavin Newsom passed the Montreal Cognitive Assessment today by reciting the words..... "Person. Woman. Man. Camera. TV. Where. Are. The Epstein. Files." and said, "Doctors had never seen anything like it!"
In other news; Worm Leaves Scathing Yelp Review of RFK Jr.’s Brain
Intoducing for The Cleveland Browns, Quarterback Deshawn "The Predator" Watson. He will also be the one to choose your next head coach.
The White House just leaked a rumor to Breitbart that the Epstein list is in Hillary's emails which are stored in Hunter's laptop which is hidden somewhere in Joe Biden's garage.
Oh, and Breitbart? If you can work Obama's name in there somewhere it would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you for your attention to this matter.
Intoducing for The Cleveland Browns, Quarterback Deshawn "The Predator" Watson. He will also be the one to choose your next head coach.
I so, I'll see your Borowitz- and raise you a Huppke:
Florida is right to end school vaccine mandates. Kids should fistfight measles.| Opinion Rex Huppke USA TODAY
Florida officials plan to do away with all vaccine mandates for children, and as a self-proclaimed health expert who has read many things on the internet, I couldn’t be happier.
For far too long, Americans have been forced to follow “proven medical science” and “basic public health policies” and “common sense.” But not anymore, at least not in the free state of Florida.
The state’s surgeon general, Dr. Joseph Ladapo, stood alongside Gov. Ron DeSantis recently and – inspired by Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., who also reads things on the internet – said the plan is to do away with all rules that require children to be vaccinated. “Who am I to tell you what your child should put in their body?” said Ladapo, a vaccine critic whom I trust because a majority of the medical community thinks he’s a nut. “Your body is a gift from God.”
Amen to that. If God wanted us to have vaccines, He would have created scientists smart enough to develop them, test them, prove they are safe, then use them to save a staggering number of lives and … oops, scratch that. Sorry, that was Satan trying to sneak logic into my brain. OUT, SATAN! OUT!
Anyhoo, for far too long, Americans like me have had to stand back and watch as vaccines deny our children the chance to combat viruses and bacteria the natural way, either with firearms or in hand-to-microbe combat. This has led to soft and overly alive children, which is fundamentally un-American. It’s clear DeSantis and Ladapo have the courage to change that, and as long as Florida lawmakers follow through, parents across the Sunshine State will be able to send their unvaccinated kids to school, safe in the knowledge the youngsters will have a chance to shoot or physically subdue any illnesses they help proliferate.
Did I mention all children will need to carry guns? The governor and surgeon general didn’t mention that part, but obviously, we’ll have to arm all Florida children so they can swiftly open fire on any airborne infectious diseases, thus protecting the state’s older population from infection. While other forms of physical combat would be appropriate – karate, fisticuffs, various wrestling moves – most of the studies I’ve read on websites that align with my scientific beliefs say a firearm is the most reliable way to defeat everything from COVID-19 to polio. And what if Florida’s armed and unvaccinated children aren’t sure if any potentially deadly diseases are present? It’s simple. They just walk the halls of their school shouting: “SHOW YOURSELF, MEASLES!” By the laws of nature, the virus must respond, and then you blast it.
Predictably, there are people who disagree with Florida’s “only the strong survive, maybe” approach to public health. Democratic state Rep. Anna Eskamani wrote on social media: “This is a public health disaster in the making for the Sunshine State.” Former Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius told CNN: “I can’t imagine what I would do if I were a parent in Florida thinking about sending my child to a school where you have no idea if there could be a measles outbreak or, God forbid, even polio will reappear. So, we are in uncharted territory.”
That’s right, you sheep. The uncharted territory is called “freedom.” And we need more bold leaders like Kennedy, DeSantis and Ladapo who are unafraid to stand up to people who know what they’re talking about and say, “Whatever, dude! We’d rather let our kid go full mixed-martial-arts on measles, mumps and rubella viruses than be told to administer a safe and effective ‘vaccine’ that has saved nearly 100 million lives. Natural selection can’t get us if we’re packing heat!”
I’m proud of Florida, which is why I’m selling “The Sunshine State: More guns, fewer vaccines!” T-shirts on the website where I promote unregistered supplements guaranteed to boost your mitochondrial vitality.
I grew up in a small farming community. The next time you think every kid with long hair wearing a plaid shirt is stupid, play this....................
I'm not sure if it qualifies as a joke or not but there wasn't any other thread it fit into.
Intoducing for The Cleveland Browns, Quarterback Deshawn "The Predator" Watson. He will also be the one to choose your next head coach.
Only one day after suspending Jimmy Kimmel’s show over the host’s comments about Charlie Kirk’s assassin, Disney’s ABC has already found a replacement. By all appearances, it looks like the network has gone all-in on appeasing the right: ABC just invited President Trump to be the first guest on their new late night show, The Kid Rock Christian Prayer And Bigotry Hour.
Wow…ABC has gone full sycophant mode. They’re pulling out all the stops to placate President Trump!
As if replacing Jimmy Kimmel Live! with The Kid Rock Christian Prayer And Bigotry Hour isn’t enough proof that ABC has been brought to heel by right-wing influence, the network also publicly invited President Trump himself to serve as the late night show’s first-ever guest. ABC issued a statement about the show, set to premiere next week in Jimmy Kimmel’s former time slot, explaining that viewers who tune in can expect Kid Rock “leading a studio audience in Bible study between monologues presenting the most bigoted interpretations of the day’s news stories—with plenty of gut-busting laughs along the way.”
According to insiders at the network, Kid Rock is already planning a variety of potential segments for himself and President Trump to participate in, such as taking communion, as well as taking turns reading black-on-white crime statistics directly into the camera. Kid Rock has also reportedly named his very own sidekick: a masked, unidentifiable ICE agent, who will occasionally step away from his role as Kid Rock’s straight man to arrest anyone in the studio audience he suspects is an illegal immigrant.
Yikes. ABC isn’t just pivoting—they’re flat out kowtowing to the far right, conservative agenda.
What a scary moment for free speech. Whether you agree with what Jimmy Kimmel said or not, it’s disconcerting that ABC was willing to replace him with a Christianity- and bigotry-themed variety hour so swiftly. Whether Trump will accept Kid Rock’s invitation to praise Jesus and do karaoke versions of ‘Swing Low, Sweet Chariot’ on late night TV remains to be seen, but regardless, the power he’s wielding over the media is something everyone who values the First Amendment should be concerned about.
Trump secures Nobel Peace Prize he is so desperate for after ending non-existing war between Armenia and Cambodia !! Also invents new word as he talks about this great feat.
Last edited by mgh888; 09/22/2507:53 AM.
The more things change the more they stay the same.
The newest and most refreshing scent for men is coming out in November. Just in time for the holiday season for the man in your life. It's was inspired and approved by none other than RFK Jr.
Polio by Ralph Lauren.
Intoducing for The Cleveland Browns, Quarterback Deshawn "The Predator" Watson. He will also be the one to choose your next head coach.
MINNEAPOLIS—According to a new study published on Monday, there is a strong link between Donald Trump being president and increased use of Tylenol.
The study, which was published by the University of Minnesota Medical School, reports that consumption of the pain reliever has increased by nine thousand percent since Trump’s Inauguration in January.
Professor Davis Logsdon, who supervised the study, called the data “surprising,” adding, “We expected the increase to be much greater.”
Logsdon said that the medical school would soon release additional findings linking Trump’s presidency to an increased use of alcohol, marijuana, and crack.
Andy Borowitz
Intoducing for The Cleveland Browns, Quarterback Deshawn "The Predator" Watson. He will also be the one to choose your next head coach.
