Historians generally agree that at least 42 known assassination attempts or plots were made on Adolf Hitler's life between the 1930s and 1945. These attempts ranged from solitary gunmen and poison plots to complex, high-level military conspiracies, with many failing due to unexpected changes in Hitler’s schedule, faulty equipment, or luck.
Another swing and a miss!
Intoducing for The Cleveland Browns, Quarterback Deshawn "The Predator" Watson. He will also be the one to choose your next head coach.
Trump announced from The White House today that he has officially appointed Captain Jack Sparrow in charge of opening the Strait of Hormuz. He said he was going to appoint Hannibal Lecter as Sparrow's top aid and advisor on opening the strait until he remembered that Lecter had died.
Intoducing for The Cleveland Browns, Quarterback Deshawn "The Predator" Watson. He will also be the one to choose your next head coach.
Xi and Putin Reach Agreement on Joint Ownership of Trump
BEIJING (The Borowitz Report)—Calling it a landmark deal, on Monday Presidents Xi Jinping of China and Vladimir Putin of Russia inked an agreement to jointly own Donald J. Trump.
According to sources familiar with the deal, the two leaders crafted a timeshare arrangement under which each will have the right to use Trump when the other is not.
Putin and Xi scooped up Trump at a bargain price since they acquired him in distressed or “as is” condition, sources said.
Both presidents were reportedly offered joint ownership of Eric Trump but passed.
A parish priest was being honored at a dinner on the twenty-fifth anniversary of his arrival in that parish.
A leading local politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed in traffic, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
“You will understand,” he said, “the seal of the confessional can never be broken. However, I got my first impressions of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I can only hint vaguely about this, but when I came here twenty-five years ago, I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first chap who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a television set, and when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. Further, he told me he had embezzled money from his place of business and…
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies for being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk.
“I’ll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived in this parish,” said the politician. “In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession.”
QUEENS, NEW YORK—In what has become a Memorial Day tradition for him, on Monday Donald J. Trump laid a wreath at the Tomb of the Unknown Podiatrist.
Trump made his annual pilgrimage to pay homage to the heroic doctors who issued bogus diagnoses to ensure that their privileged patients never answered the call of duty.
In an emotional tribute, Trump thanked the fallen foot specialists who bravely risked their medical licenses so that others facing military service could be free.
Choking back tears, he said, “They gave everything so people like me could give nothing.”
Andy Borowitz
Intoducing for The Cleveland Browns, Quarterback Deshawn "The Predator" Watson. He will also be the one to choose your next head coach.
RFK Jr. is preparing himself for his future career as a snake handling preacher in The Appalachian Mountains once the Trump administration term has ended.
Good luck Bobby!
Intoducing for The Cleveland Browns, Quarterback Deshawn "The Predator" Watson. He will also be the one to choose your next head coach.
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