Turning Point U.S.A.'s Alternative Half Time Show!
Sponsored by Sister Wife brand Bathtub Meth...............
"You think your brother in law is crazy but he's just methed up!"
Headlined by Kid Rock who will be bringing his automatic rifle and a case of Bud Light for the grand finale'!
The National Anthem will be performed by Rosanne Barr!
Featuring the kissing cousin cam!
There will be a catalytic converter collection competition held in the parking lot during the event run by George Santos. All catalytic converters will be donated to trump's secret rare earth mineral stash if Santos can manage to deliver them without stealing them first!
Kanye was scheduled to perform but claims he can't make it because by some miracle he found his sanity.
Intoducing for The Cleveland Browns, Quarterback Deshawn "The Predator" Watson. He will also be the one to choose your next head coach.
Turning Point U.S.A. officially announced today that next years alternative halftime show will be titled "The Whites Only DEI Halftime Show".
Where only white artists with a fraction of the sales of the real halftime show will be allowed to perform. Because we all know only the best, most qualified people should be performing. No, wait....
Intoducing for The Cleveland Browns, Quarterback Deshawn "The Predator" Watson. He will also be the one to choose your next head coach.
Mark Kelly Records Video Telling Bartenders They Are Allowed to Refuse Hegseth's Orders
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Senator Mark Kelly released a new online video on Thursday reminding the nation’s bartenders that they are allowed to refuse Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth’s orders.
Staring stonily into the camera, the former astronaut warned that, if Hegseth appears to be above the legal blood-alcohol limit, any additional drink request would constitute an illegal order.
“Our laws are clear: you can refuse illegal orders,” he told the bartenders. “You must refuse illegal orders.”
Kelly concluded the video with one final urgent plea to the mixologists: "If Hegseth’s behavior is belligerent, his words are slurred, and his makeup is smeared, you must refuse his orders."
Trump Explodes With Rage After Bad Bunny Wins Nobel Peace Prize
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a series of furious Truth Social posts late Wednesday night, Donald J. Trump blasted the Norwegian Nobel Committee for awarding its Peace Prize to the Puerto Rican rapper Bad Bunny.
Trump claimed that he had been “treated very unfairly” by being passed over for the award despite having ended “between forty and fifty wars.”
“Bad Bunny could Never end even One War because he speaks a Language no one Understands!” Trump thundered.
In another setback for Trump, Bad Bunny’s birthday will be honored each year with a new national holiday in Greenland.
Barron Trump Bursts Into Tears After Podiatrist Finds No Sign of Bone Spurs
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Barron Trump burst into tears on Monday after an examination by a prominent Washington, DC podiatrist found no evidence of bone spurs.
“I’m totally screwed!” the young Trump reportedly shrieked, hurling himself to the floor of the doctor’s office in anguish.
At the White House, Donald J. Trump said that the podiatrist’s x-ray equipment had treated his son “very unfairly,” adding, “This should never be allowed to happen in this country.”
"This is what happens when you trust a real doctor," he said. "I should have just sent the kid to my new Surgeon General."
Intoducing for The Cleveland Browns, Quarterback Deshawn "The Predator" Watson. He will also be the one to choose your next head coach.
Trump talks about drapes, future ballroom construction at Medal of Honor ceremony..... Very important. More important than talking about the loser and sucker veterans.
The Party told you to reject the evidence of your eyes and ears. It was their final, most essential command.
![[Linked Image from i.ibb.co]](https://i.ibb.co/7D5bFcM/dow.jpg)
