The last political joke thread is well into page 13 so it's soon to be locked. I certainly didn't want this little gem to get buried......
WASHINGTON—Donald J. Trump warned Iran on Monday that any members of its Revolutionary Guard who use violence against protesters will immediately be recruited by ICE.
“If Iran thinks they can get away with cracking down on protesters without us recruiting the people doing the cracking down, they’re kidding themselves,” Trump warned.
Trump said that he had dispatched Kristi Noem to Tehran, adding, “If Kristi sees anyone murdering protesters, she will immediately swoop in and tell them about ICE’s benefit package.”
Responding to Trump’s threat, Iran’s Supreme Leader said he was raising the Revolutionary Guard signing bonus to $55,000.
Andy Borowitz
Intoducing for The Cleveland Browns, Quarterback Deshawn "The Predator" Watson. He will also be the one to choose your next head coach.
WASHINGTON—In a daring daytime mission on Monday, aircraft from the European members of NATO flew over the White House and sprayed its airspace with antipsychotic medication.
All NATO leaders signed off on the plan with the exception of the UK’s Keir Starmer, who proposed inviting Donald Trump to yet another state dinner.
Explaining the rationale behind the mission, Norwegian Prime Minister Jonas Gahr Stoere said, “We saw his letter to me as a cry for help.”
On the decision to deploy antipsychotic meds, Stoere added, “We were uniquely qualified to do this because our drug prices are far lower than in the U.S.”
Stressing that the NATO members did not take their decision lightly, the Norwegian PM said, “We had been hoping that Congress would intervene, but we were left with no other choice.”
Andy Borowitz
Intoducing for The Cleveland Browns, Quarterback Deshawn "The Predator" Watson. He will also be the one to choose your next head coach.
I found this somewhat amusing but not as much of a joke as I thought after thinking it over................
The story below explains everything:
Two economists are walking in the countryside when they come across a pile of horse manure. One economist says to the other: “If you eat that pile of manure, I’ll pay you $10,000.” The second economist thinks for a bit — it’s disgusting, but $10,000 is a lot — so he eats it. The first economist pays up. They continue walking. After a while, they come across another pile of manure. The second economist says: “Now it’s your turn. If you eat that one, I’ll give you $10,000.” The first economist, not wanting to lose out, eats it. The second pays him $10,000. They walk on in silence for a bit. Then one says: “Wait a second. We both ate poop… and we both ended up with the same amount of money as before. What was the point?” The other replies: “Well, we increased GDP by $20,000.”
Intoducing for The Cleveland Browns, Quarterback Deshawn "The Predator" Watson. He will also be the one to choose your next head coach.
Once again you obviously haven't been paying attention. I'm pretty sure Newsom knows the difference between Greenland and Iceland. Or try these..............
Intoducing for The Cleveland Browns, Quarterback Deshawn "The Predator" Watson. He will also be the one to choose your next head coach.
You didn't find that video of trump funny? I thought it was hilarious! You can now rent or lease a sense of humor at your nearest Home Depot or Sunbelt Rental location.
Intoducing for The Cleveland Browns, Quarterback Deshawn "The Predator" Watson. He will also be the one to choose your next head coach.
Some comedy is just veiled hate used by the extremely small minded. They giggle when others suffer even when that suffering serves ZERO real world interest for the victims or the fascist committing these insane acts of violence. Deport MAGA!
Viewer comments reviewing the Melania Trump movie have been coming in from ticket purchasers...........
"It was the Cybertruck of Movies!"
One man said he noticed that "Texas Gov. Abbott got up and walked out in the middle and Dan Crenshaw moved his eye patch over to his good eye."
"Even Abe Lincoln said his last theater experience was better."
After seeing the movie one woman said the theater was almost empty and claimed,"If the title had been more accurate I think the ticket sales would have been better. Maybe 'Me Love You Long time For Green Card' or 'From Hooker to First Lady'".
One man said "It would have been better as murder mystery where a women kills her husband."
The Hollywood Reporter said in its review, "It's destined to be a cult classic."
"Being played as an on flight movie it had people running for the exits. The pilot had to turn the plane around."
Donald Trump has already made the claim that the Oscars will be rigged.
Intoducing for The Cleveland Browns, Quarterback Deshawn "The Predator" Watson. He will also be the one to choose your next head coach.
Turning Point U.S.A.'s Alternative Half Time Show!
Sponsored by Sister Wife brand Bathtub Meth...............
"You think your brother in law is crazy but he's just methed up!"
Headlined by Kid Rock who will be bringing his automatic rifle and a case of Bud Light for the grand finale'!
The National Anthem will be performed by Rosanne Barr!
Featuring the kissing cousin cam!
There will be a catalytic converter collection competition held in the parking lot during the event run by George Santos. All catalytic converters will be donated to trump's secret rare earth mineral stash if Santos can manage to deliver them without stealing them first!
Kanye was scheduled to perform but claims he can't make it because by some miracle he found his sanity.
Intoducing for The Cleveland Browns, Quarterback Deshawn "The Predator" Watson. He will also be the one to choose your next head coach.
Turning Point U.S.A. officially announced today that next years alternative halftime show will be titled "The Whites Only DEI Halftime Show".
Where only white artists with a fraction of the sales of the real halftime show will be allowed to perform. Because we all know only the best, most qualified people should be performing. No, wait....
Intoducing for The Cleveland Browns, Quarterback Deshawn "The Predator" Watson. He will also be the one to choose your next head coach.
Mark Kelly Records Video Telling Bartenders They Are Allowed to Refuse Hegseth's Orders
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Senator Mark Kelly released a new online video on Thursday reminding the nation’s bartenders that they are allowed to refuse Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth’s orders.
Staring stonily into the camera, the former astronaut warned that, if Hegseth appears to be above the legal blood-alcohol limit, any additional drink request would constitute an illegal order.
“Our laws are clear: you can refuse illegal orders,” he told the bartenders. “You must refuse illegal orders.”
Kelly concluded the video with one final urgent plea to the mixologists: "If Hegseth’s behavior is belligerent, his words are slurred, and his makeup is smeared, you must refuse his orders."
Trump Explodes With Rage After Bad Bunny Wins Nobel Peace Prize
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a series of furious Truth Social posts late Wednesday night, Donald J. Trump blasted the Norwegian Nobel Committee for awarding its Peace Prize to the Puerto Rican rapper Bad Bunny.
Trump claimed that he had been “treated very unfairly” by being passed over for the award despite having ended “between forty and fifty wars.”
“Bad Bunny could Never end even One War because he speaks a Language no one Understands!” Trump thundered.
In another setback for Trump, Bad Bunny’s birthday will be honored each year with a new national holiday in Greenland.
Barron Trump Bursts Into Tears After Podiatrist Finds No Sign of Bone Spurs
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Barron Trump burst into tears on Monday after an examination by a prominent Washington, DC podiatrist found no evidence of bone spurs.
“I’m totally screwed!” the young Trump reportedly shrieked, hurling himself to the floor of the doctor’s office in anguish.
At the White House, Donald J. Trump said that the podiatrist’s x-ray equipment had treated his son “very unfairly,” adding, “This should never be allowed to happen in this country.”
"This is what happens when you trust a real doctor," he said. "I should have just sent the kid to my new Surgeon General."
Intoducing for The Cleveland Browns, Quarterback Deshawn "The Predator" Watson. He will also be the one to choose your next head coach.
Trump talks about drapes, future ballroom construction at Medal of Honor ceremony..... Very important. More important than talking about the loser and sucker veterans.
The Party told you to reject the evidence of your eyes and ears. It was their final, most essential command.
I heard someone play Trump's radio call in to a radio show on 9/11 after the world trade center came down.... bragging about how his building was now the tallest building in NYC (which of course was a lie in and of itself).
BREAKING NEWS! The U.S. has threatened to drop it's latest and largest bomb on Iran. B-52 Stratofortress jets are currently being loaded and prepared to deploy over Ian with DVD's of the documentary ""Melania".
This would provide the biggest single blow to the nation of Iran since this war began said unnamed White House officials.
Intoducing for The Cleveland Browns, Quarterback Deshawn "The Predator" Watson. He will also be the one to choose your next head coach.
"Democrats Condemn Trump Administration For Taking Billions of Dollars From USAID Which Fed Starving Children Around the Globe and Use It In the War With Iran Instead."
Intoducing for The Cleveland Browns, Quarterback Deshawn "The Predator" Watson. He will also be the one to choose your next head coach.
WASHINGTON—In a testy Oval Office meeting on Monday, Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy rejected Donald J. Trump’s desperate pleas for military aid.
Referring to Iran’s ability to shut down the Strait of Hormuz, Zelenskyy said, “Iran has cards. You don’t have any cards.”
“You’re gambling with World War III,” he added.
Turning to Vice President JD Vance, Zelenskyy scolded, “Ukraine has kept Russia from attacking NATO for four years, and you haven’t said ‘thank you’ once.”
Andy Borowitz
Intoducing for The Cleveland Browns, Quarterback Deshawn "The Predator" Watson. He will also be the one to choose your next head coach.
Markwayne Mullins while testifying before congress today said that anyone claiming he has anger issues will be kicked directly in the face.
He then took issue with Sen Rand Paul’s characterization of him as someone who advocates political violence, stating, “Say that again, Four Eyes, and I’ll step on your stupid wire-rimmed goggles and make you eat the glass.”
Andy Borowitz
Intoducing for The Cleveland Browns, Quarterback Deshawn "The Predator" Watson. He will also be the one to choose your next head coach.
I've gotten a few of the strangest robocalls this week. It sounds like some unhinged lunatic asking me if I have any naval vessels I'm willing to contribute to help open the Strait of Hormuz.
Anyone else been getting these kind of calls?
Intoducing for The Cleveland Browns, Quarterback Deshawn "The Predator" Watson. He will also be the one to choose your next head coach.
Trump made it official today. "I am removing secretary of Transportation Sean Duffy and appointing Tiger Woods to take his place. With all of Tiger's experience in the field of vehicle crashes it make him more qualified to hold the position than Sean Duffy could ever possibly be. Thank you for your attention to this matter."
Intoducing for The Cleveland Browns, Quarterback Deshawn "The Predator" Watson. He will also be the one to choose your next head coach.
Iran Agrees to End War Only if There is Regime Change in U.S.
"Such a madman must not be allowed to possess nuclear weapons," the Ayatollah said. Iran’s ultimatum gained the support of Greenland, Canada, and the rest of NATO.
Andy Borowitz
Intoducing for The Cleveland Browns, Quarterback Deshawn "The Predator" Watson. He will also be the one to choose your next head coach.
WASHINGTON—In what experts are calling one of the most remarkable comebacks for a convicted sex offender in recent memory, on Thursday Donald J. Trump announced that he was replacing Attorney General Pam Bondi with Ghislaine Maxwell.
Explaining his decision, Trump said, "Pam said there’s a client list, and Ghislaine said there isn't. So I have decided Ghislaine would be better at this job than Pam."
In another stunning reversal of fortune, Trump announced that Bondi would be taking Maxwell’s place in prison, adding, “I wish her well.”
He said he was confident that Maxwell would receive speedy confirmation by Senate Republicans, noting, “If they confirmed Hegseth they’ll confirm anyone.”
Andy Borowitz
Intoducing for The Cleveland Browns, Quarterback Deshawn "The Predator" Watson. He will also be the one to choose your next head coach.
WASHINGTON—Furious about the Supreme Court’s refusal to approve a number of his executive orders, Donald J. Trump complained on Thursday that he has been treated “very unfairly” by the people who wrote the United States Constitution.
“If the Constitution prevented me from doing one or two things, I’d chalk that up to bad luck,” he said. “But when literally everything I want to do is magically a violation of the Constitution, that’s very unfair and bad treatment.”
Lashing out at the document’s authors, Trump said that “America is a great country, but we have maybe the worst constitution writers in the world.”
“Russia has much better constitution writers than we do,” he said. “I talked to Putin, and he said their constitution never gives him problems.”
In an ominous warning, Trump said that he was putting the writers of the U.S. Constitution “on notice” and would have the DOJ investigate them for mortgage fraud.
Andy Borowitz
Intoducing for The Cleveland Browns, Quarterback Deshawn "The Predator" Watson. He will also be the one to choose your next head coach.
Adm. Arun Prakash on X: "Irony. US Army chief, Gen George, rose from Private to distinguished 4-star rank, via West Point, only to be fired by a former National Guard Major who rose to cabinet rank via Fox News & Trump’s patronage.
Karoline Leavitt announced yesterday at the regularly scheduled White House press conference that the Fake news media was at it again! That they had falsely misspelled and misquoted the name of trump's newly formed 'Board of Peace' which changed the context of its entire intent. She said had they have spelled and stated the name correctly its intention would have been clear from the start.
"The media spelled it and claimed the name is 'The Board of Peace' when actually it's 'I'm Bored With Peace'." So far trump has requested 200 billion dollars to fund it.
Intoducing for The Cleveland Browns, Quarterback Deshawn "The Predator" Watson. He will also be the one to choose your next head coach.
The EPA administrator became the first agency chief to speak at the Heartland Institute's annual gathering of people who say climate change benefits humanity.
The Party told you to reject the evidence of your eyes and ears. It was their final, most essential command.
Trump was sitting at the poker table with Iran. Trump looked down at his cards and saw he had two pairs. Thinking he had the hand to beat he looked up from his hand and told Iran, "You are holding no cards." Little did he seem to know that Ian was holding s strait.
Intoducing for The Cleveland Browns, Quarterback Deshawn "The Predator" Watson. He will also be the one to choose your next head coach.
A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
Bill Clinton and the Pope both died on the same day. Due to a minor clerical error, the Pope went to Hell, while Clinton went to Heaven. When the Pope arrived in Hell, everyone realized the mistake. Due to an issue with the union, they couldn't swap the two until the next day, and the Pope had to spend the night in Hell, while Clinton spent the night in Heaven. The next day the paperwork got worked out. On his way up to Heaven, the Pope ran into Clinton. Clinton asked the Pope, "How was your night in Hell?" "Very educational," responded the Pope. "I've learned a lot from the experience, but now I'm glad I'm going to Heaven. I've been waiting all my life to meet the Virgin Mary." "Ooh, sorry," said Clinton, "you should have been there yesterday."
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Escalating his attacks on Pope Leo XIV, Donald J. Trump claimed on Thursday that the pontiff’s election last year was “totally rigged.”
“There were a lot of ballots cast against him that were just burned,” he said. “You could see the smoke coming from the Vatican.”
Trump blasted Leo as “a terrible person and very ungrateful, quite frankly,” arguing that “he never would have become Pope without my help.”
“It was my idea to send JD to Rome in 2025,” Trump explained. “If he hadn’t gone, Pope Francis would still be alive and Leo would still be a crummy cardinal.”
Intoducing for The Cleveland Browns, Quarterback Deshawn "The Predator" Watson. He will also be the one to choose your next head coach.
Why don’t politicians play hide and seek? They can’t stop announcing where they stand. Why did the voter cross the road? To get away from both candidates. Why did the politician bring a ladder to work? To reach new lows. What’s a politician’s favorite game? Monopoly — with your money. Why did the campaign hire a magician? To make promises disappear. Why don’t politicians ever get lost? They always follow the polls. Why did the senator stare at an orange? It reminded him of the next debate. Why are politicians like bad comedians? They repeat the same lines and still bomb
The Trump family has officially bought out Kool-Aid
The Trump family has officially bought out the Kool-Aid brand in honor of America's 250 birthday. They changed the brand name to Trump-Aid. They are packaging it in cans. They also changed the formula and ingredients so that now no matter which flavor you buy it all tastes like crap. But then again all of the Kool-Aid they've been selling since Donny took office has tasted like crap so nothing really new here.
Intoducing for The Cleveland Browns, Quarterback Deshawn "The Predator" Watson. He will also be the one to choose your next head coach.
A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.
"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."
"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."
The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him.
By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.
No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him.
Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.
Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.
"Ah, so you've come back for the story," says the owner.
"No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze politician."
Historians generally agree that at least 42 known assassination attempts or plots were made on Adolf Hitler's life between the 1930s and 1945. These attempts ranged from solitary gunmen and poison plots to complex, high-level military conspiracies, with many failing due to unexpected changes in Hitler’s schedule, faulty equipment, or luck.
Another swing and a miss!
Intoducing for The Cleveland Browns, Quarterback Deshawn "The Predator" Watson. He will also be the one to choose your next head coach.
Trump announced from The White House today that he has officially appointed Captain Jack Sparrow in charge of opening the Strait of Hormuz. He said he was going to appoint Hannibal Lecter as Sparrow's top aid and advisor on opening the strait until he remembered that Lecter had died.
Intoducing for The Cleveland Browns, Quarterback Deshawn "The Predator" Watson. He will also be the one to choose your next head coach.
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